A Man Who Just Woke Up from a 24-Year Coma Reviews ‘Jurassic World’
By Ryan Shattuck
Thank you for arranging for me to watch Jurassic World from my hospital bed. When do we need to return this movie to Blockbuster? Why are you laughing? Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore?! What the hell? So how do people rent movies? What do you mean, they download them from iTunes? Or stream them from Netflix or Hulu? What’s a “website”? What’s “the Internet”? What do you mean, it’s a “series of tubes”?
I obviously need to get caught up on everything I missed. Does this hospital have a set of Encyclopedia Britannica or something I could read? Encyclopedia Britannica has stopped printing encyclopedias?! So how do you look anything up? What’s a Wikipedia? Could I at least get today’s newspaper? Nobody reads newspapers anymore?!
So wait, is George Bush even still president? What do you mean, “which George Bush”? His SON was also president? And now his OTHER son wants to be president? But who’s the current president? Are you serious: the current president is a guy named Barack Obama? Haha, where is he from, Kenya?
He’s black?!
I bet SNL must have a lot of fun with that one. Wait a minute, is SNL still on the air? Why? The guy who played Stuart Smalley is a U.S. Senator now?
I don’t understand, when did everything change? What do you mean, 9/11 changed everything? And that’s why you have to take your shoes off when you go to the airport? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Is that a new GameBoy you’re holding? It’s… an “iPhone”? What’s that? You can make VIDEO PHONE CALLS WITH IT?! But nobody ever does it, because it’s really awkward? Yeah that’s fine, you can take a picture with me. What do you mean, you want to “tweet” a “selfie”? Why does everything in 2015 sound like it was invented by a 12-year-old girl?
I can’t believe how much has changed in only 24 years. Haha, next you’re going to tell me that men are marrying men and women are marrying women. WHAT?!
Oh right, I’m supposed to review Jurassic World. It was okay. But I hope they don’t make any sequels. I don’t think we need more than one movie about dinosaurs eating people. That would just be stupid.
There are four of them?!
