Advice from Greek Gods: Aphrodite
Oh my Gods! Look at all of you, precious little beings! You’re so cute and fragile and short-lived! I mean, you’re kind of a hot mess, but an endearing hot mess!
Ugh, how rude. I didn’t even introduce myself. My name is Aphrodite, Goddess of love, beauty, pleasure, and procreation. No pressure, right?! Good thing I’m not the Goddess of perfection, because even I have my hang-ups. Surely you sensed that. After all, a lot of you are my children — all those one night Earth stands! — and you probably inherited some of my, ahem, tendencies.
But let’s not talk about me — how boring — let’s talk about you. Oh yes, I know all about your dirty little secrets. Don’t be ashamed, though! We Gods love some human gossip. Being a Goddess isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Just think of the complexities! Finding a wedding venue big enough to invite a Cyclops; having Poseidon to dinner who’s always on a new diet and complaining about his “water weight”; understanding which celebrations are toga-optional… Nightmare!
Here I’ve gone again, talking about myself! I did actually have a purpose for writing you. It’s been a slow day on Mt. Olympus’s Facebook — no pregnancies or weddings or nymph parties — so I decided to use this time to share some advice with you; little things I’ve picked up here and there about relationships, self confidence, etcetera, during my eternal life. Enough intro, let’s jump right in, with love from me!
1. Go to bed angry. You know your friends who say they never “go to bed angry” with their partners? Ugh, seriously, if I stayed up late working through all my problems with my husband, I wouldn’t get any beauty sleep. I don’t mean to bash your friends. More power to them. At the same time, it’s okay to go to bed angry, because anger is one of those emotions that doesn’t easily go away. Like the bubonic plague. Or Hermes. Or obsessed worshipers. All you need to say is: “Hey, I’m feeling angry, and I’m really tired. I love you, and I want to work this out, but can we talk about it in the morning?” Trust me, you’ll be better prepared to find resolution after a good night’s sleep. Plus, you’ll have more energy for makeup sex.
2. Feel beautiful no matter what. The great thing about being a Goddess is I don’t need to do anything in the morning — not makeup, or hair, or juicing — and people still worship me. I know you think Daenerys Stormborn woke up like that, but trust me, that girl spends hours in the hair and makeup trailer to get her “I-just-walked-across-the-desert-and-still-look-gorgeous” look. The point is, no matter how much time you spend doing your hair, do you feel like a Khaleesi? Do you rock your sweatpants as hard as you rock your Karen Millen dress? That’s the key to beauty: feeling beautiful. And it’s something you can practice! It’s also doesn’t hurt if people sacrifice small animals in your name to make you feel special. Unless, of course, you’re a vegan…
3. Snapchat doesn’t look good on you, or anyone, myself included. Just saying…
4. Cheating is not — and never is — a good idea. I know, you’re all, “Aphrodite, who are you to be talking about cheating?” Point. I won’t get into my childhood trauma — mostly, I didn’t have a childhood because I emerged out of the sea a fricken adult — but seriously. This is important advice from your best girl. If you’re unhappy in your partnership, you have a responsibility to talk to your partner. Cheating is only exciting because you’re stealing excitement from your committed relationship. You’re sneaking away, feeling electrified, at someone else’s expense. I don’t care who you are, or who your partner is. No one deserves that. Read How to Be a Person in the World for all the advice you’ll ever need. I asked Polly if she’d adapt version for Gods. She said we’re beyond saving.
5. Children are not accessories. A few of you needed the reminder. You probably have attachment issues because your mother deserted you to live in her kingdom on high. I get it. Still, children won’t fix your problems. Marriage won’t either, for that matter. Gods, if Artemis didn’t agree to do my therapy sessions in exchange for surfing lessons, I don’t know where I’d be.
6. Make a big entrance. You have to admit, emerging from the sea was pretty badass. No matter what you’re doing, no matter how under qualified you feeling doing that thing, make a big entrance. Announce to the world that you are that! A writer, an actor, an accountant, a mother/father, a farmer. Don’t be shy! Don’t discount yourself! Ride that seashell like it’s a chariot on fire, Katniss Everdeen-style. THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER! KARPEDIEM! ALL THOSE OTHER AWESOME TATTOOS YOU WANT TO GET!
(6.5 Get a tattoo)
7. Lovers: Don’t underestimate the power of a picked wildflower, a sweet note, homemade dinner, or a shared Pokemon GO adventure. It’s truly the little things. Corvettes aren’t bad, though, either.
8. Get comfortable with your naked self. Your life will improve immensely when you feel comfortable in your own naked skin. Even if people depict you in thousands of statues, paintings, or drawings, and give you really weird-looking boobs, you won’t be offended. You’ll just sit on your chaise lounge, naked, smiling at the fact that you’re (eternally) alive.
9. Love each other. I know it can be hard. I’m the Goddess of love, for crying out loud, and even I throw tantrums or get competitive, leading to, oh, I don’t know, the Trojan War, or something. But at least try. Try to love everyone. Why else do you think you’re here? I mean, yes, for our entertainment. But even we love happy endings.
If you missed my “father” Zeus’s advice (depends on who you ask), you can read it here! https://medium.com/the-coffeelicious/how-to-be-a-better-person-with-love-from-zeus-a682256aec2f#.cud6wogzt
