An Open Letter to the Ladies

Dear ladies,

Hi, my name’s Ryan. What’s going on? I’m 24, employed, and 100% satisfied with my life. (<– I also like to play “Two Truths and a Lie,” so have fun figuring that one out.) I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m difficult to read, so I just want to clear some things up for you gals.

A lot of people — men and women — have commitment issues. I wouldn’t exactly say that’s what is going on with me, but it’s a possibility. Nobody likes to jump into anything without having an idea of how they’re going to get out. Or maybe it’s just me? Personally, I always like to have an escape plan before entering a situation. It’s a terrible way to live, I’m sure, but it’s what I have to do to feel comfortable.

Occasionally, these “commitment issues” stem from intimacy problems. I’ll go on record and say that is not the case with me because I love to talk about myself. Very often, men will hesitate with emotional and spiritual intimacy, whereas women will hesitate to advance the physical aspect of a relationship.

I’m writing this letter to let everybody know there are just certain things I won’t do until I feel comfortable with someone. Now, it varies on a person-to-person basis; so it might be a few dates, a few months, or even a year before I succumb to the pressure. I know women have needs. I know many women think about it more than men do. I know you talk about it with your friends and are never completely satisfied without it.

But just so you know, I absolutely refuse to use emojis until I feel like I can trust you. Until I’m totally comfortable with you and know you won’t go parading my emoji usage around to your friends or on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat, don’t expect any happy faces, kissy faces, winky faces, or even those little smiling piles of poo.

I’m not that easy. Yeah, there might be stories going around about how it only took me a few weeks with the last girl I was seeing. Yeah, I know you use emojis with me all the time. And yeah, I know I use periods to end most of my texts and you always think I’m mad at you or something.

But there are just some things I’m not comfortable with… And using emojis is one of them.

So don’t mistake my lack of emojion for unhappiness or lack of interest. If I’m not interested or if I don’t like you, I’ll let you know about it. Also, don’t let my texting issue get in the way of our physical relationship. Believe me, I would still very much like to express my feelings for you through physical, X-rated activity — just don’t expect a *thumbs up* text afterward.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I hope you have a better understanding who I am. Also, there are plenty of other things you won’t be able to pinpoint about me, so I figured I’d throw you a bone.

Stay beautiful,
Ryan

You can find more of Ryan’s work in Human Parts, The Coffeelicious, Absurdist, and The Bigger Picture. You can follow him on Twitter here or check out his website here. He’d love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!