An Open Rant to the Millennials and their Praise-Singers

So here we have yet another self-reflective presumptuous confessional-disguised-as-article written by a Millennial, about Millennials and for Millennials.

It’s been over 10 years since I first heard the term applied to this generation. So it’s been over a decade now that we’ve been reading about how different it is, how purpose-driven, how mission-focused, how change-oriented, how yada-yada-yada (there’s your Seinfeld reference — so enjoy that). And it’s been over a decade that I’ve been waiting to see *any* actual evidence of any of those claims.

Here’s a freebie for you: When the mainstream media jumps on something and declares it the latest cause célèbre, it does so because that is its raison d’être and not because it means anything. So as not to distract you from this comment, allow me to elaborate: The mainstream media isn’t in the business of truth, it’s in the business of selling. And one of the things it’s been selling pretty hard is that the Mills are somehow special. Different. Unique. To use the vernacular of the day — a big fat whatevs.

Let’s rewind a bit — because there is an explanation here. For purposes of discussion, let’s say that the author of this article, in his tone and his argument, is a solid choice to serve as a poster child for the Mills. (Straight reppin’, bruh.) The author’s twenty-six — half my age. I’ve been working longer than he’s been alive. I remember 26. I remember 36, and 46 too — and I remember realizing how embarrassing it was to realize how presumptuous my 26-yr-old worldview was, once I lived long enough to actually learn — and earn — some real-life, real-world experience. But, there’s that ugly generation gap thingy…ugh…old people and their accumulated knowledge and experience…what a drag, right?

But I digress. I first began to notice a change when the Gen Xers started entering the workforce. Yeah — remember the Gen Xers? They were your older siblings and their annoying friends. The All-Knowing Ever-BS-Generating Mighty Media tends to describe them as “structured and punctual and linear” and “living to work” — two things, incidentally, that I’ve only observed in a very few Gen X employees. Much more common has been their demonstrated willingness, bordering even on eagerness, to present themselves as being up to any challenge, regardless of how ill-prepared they are to handle it. If they’re prepared at all.

If there’s a common link between the X and Y groups here — at least in America — it’s our educational system. What “No Child Left Behind” accomplished quite well was to condition young adults to see no difference between telling the truth and giving the right answer. In other words, by teaching students how to take tests instead of how to think for themselves and problem-solve, we’ve created two generations who have become very adept at pretending to know things that they don’t. So, if you ask one of them a question, the answer they give you will largely depend upon what they think your answer would be — not what the answer really is. They get that we want them to actually know things — but they’ve found that they usually can make the grade by appearing to know something. Actually knowing it isn’t really relevant. I think it’s unwitting on their part, in many cases — but they seem to think that an answer that an adult likes is acceptable, regardless of whether or not it’s true. This is a problem.

It’s not entirely your fault. You were conditioned by the culture you grew up in to believe this. You’re not as independent-thinking as you think. You see, it’s tricky — a lot trickier than you’ve been led to believe by well-intentioned parents. You’ve been told since you were a child that you’re special (who isn’t?), that everything you do is terrific (it’s not), that there’s no one else like you in the world (there are). That you’re unique. But you aren’t. I mean, look around. You’re all nearly identical.

But don’t fault your parents — they just love you. It’s their job, sure, but it’s also true — no one’s going to take that away from you. But you should be angry at the media — for the whole Millennial misnomer thing. They got that all wrong. Some trend-watching corporate shill, likely a mid-level ad agency research type, all hopped up on generational marketing, came up with the term. In reality, you’re the t-ball generation. You’ve been taught that you get a trophy just for joining the team. You don’t even have to play, let alone be good. In Millennial-land, you deserve an award just for gracing the ball field — or the bench, even — with your presence.

So, you really never should have been called Millennials. The media just got all caught up in that inevitable changeover of the centuries. The result (of letting the media just run amock) is that you now wear this mantle that is completely inaccurate. Much more descriptive today would be “The Entitle-heads.” Or “Posers.” Or “Copiers.” Because if you’ve practiced to be good at anything, it’s identifying trends — and then copying them. You’re really, really good at that! Today, we have entire geographic regions where, strangely, everyone has a beard and is wearing a flannel shirt with skinny jeans. And smoking. (Incidentally, cigs are so 1980s. At least vape.)

Well, here’s the dealio, Mercutio — in the real world, you can’t just make things up and call them real when they aren’t. You don’t have experience until you earn it. You don’t get good without practice, and you aren’t an expert just because you call yourself one.

But you’ll keep trying. Because it’s all you’ve learned how to do, so far. Good luck with that.

Or, rather — good lookin’ out and shit. Later.

Part II

I hadn’t planned on this, but the deep thinkers at Mashable seem to have committed themselves to making this a thing. I was compelled to respond.

Surprisingly, the most annoying thing about this article isn’t the topic — which is vacuous at best.

No, the real stick-a-pencil-in-my-eye moment for me came very early — at the tenth word, really. The first mention of “y*ccie.”

It’s not a word. And it’s not a thing. It’s something a fellow Mashable writer wants to think he “invented” yesterday. Go ahead — do a Google search on the non-term. You’ll see that it didn’t exist before yesterday.

So, it was really interesting to read the supposed quote from e-commerce site École founder Jorge Cosano, who allegedly said, “The hipster was all about being anti-establishment and doing everything that was against corporate culture. But now we’re seeing that the new millennials, these ‘yuccies,’ are working in non-traditional environments where they can wear what they want to” — really? A non-word that a 26-yr-old internet staff writer “coined” *yesterday* has already made it into the vernacular? Wowee-zowee. We really are fast learners.

This raises so many questions for the reader — not the least being does Mr. Cosano or does he not wear a beard? And is he planning to shave it? I call BS. Either the quote is faked, or forced. Is Mr. Cosano perhaps a personal acquaintance of the writer? In that case, one could imagine that maybe he was sharing a lobster roll with his writer friend, and they talked about the article that ran on Mashable yesterday in which our culture was first assaulted with this new nonsense word.

Then, if that’s not bad enough — the writer uses said word as a tag for his article? UGH!! Because presumptuous self-aggrandizement! Because audacity! #sharethenonsense, right?!

Talk about completely making something up to make gains. Do you guys even have editors there at Mashable?? #StoptheMadness already.

Part III

Can you believe it? So, one reader’s response to my Part I was so robust that I felt he deserved as response of this own.

@Justin Hickman I enjoyed your response, Justin. You obviously took the time to make sure it was well-written, and I appreciate that.

And you’re definitely entitled to your opinion, and your feelings. That said, suck it up and deal. Many of your points are solid, if obvious; for instance, most people “want to do meaningful work that contributes to the world in a positive way.” And there’s not a thing wrong with being recognized for your contributions.

So — make some already. That’s what I’m looking for. I’ve been hearing for over ten years now how much you guys are going to change the world, make it a better place, hold the Powers That Be accountable! Well, dayum! — I live here, too! I approve! ‘Cuz I ain’t seen nuthin yet.

I perhaps was unclear in making my point that I don’t think you came up with this particularly annoying commitment to fluffing yourselves up — I tried to say that, imo, the Gen Xers started this mess, largely because they were conditioned by their parents and the school system to avoid negativity of any kind — physical, intellectual and certainly emotional — which led them to default to acting like they were up to any task, regardless of any actual training, experience or in many cases even aptitude. Because throughout their entire lives, the one thing they’ve been able to bank on is that no matter what they attempted — learning to ride a bike, a 3rd-grade entry in the Science Fair, a particularly ambitious attempt to represent Plato’s “Cave” through a shadow box, going on a European walkabout, renting their first apartment — someone would be there to walk them down the path, help them up when they stumbled, kiss their booboos, fix their mistakes — you get the pic.

Someone to rescue them, in other words.

Some constructive criticism, since you’ve presented yourself as a rational albeit passionate representative of Your Generation: Quit blaming your parents for messing up the world. This bit —

We seem to be tasked with fixing the biggest problems the world has ever faced, ones we had little part in creating. A lop-sided country in America with a government more dysfunctional than ever, paired with global environmental disasters on a scale we have never seen. The short-sighted leadership of our parent’s generation, and the generation before them, have put the world in such a state that serious people are talking about human extinction in our lifetimes. What do you call that kind of irresponsible flaunting of privilege?

Oy veh. You’ve been tasked with fixing the biggest problems the world has ever faced? Really? Who tasked you with that? Really, 5% of the entire American population pretty much calls the shots. I could be wrong, but odds are on my side when I say that I’m pretty sure your parents aren’t among that 5%. I know mine weren’t, and neither am I. Best any of us can do, at least in America, is pay attention, and vote our consciences. And hope the election isn’t rigged. (My apologies for the cynicism, b/c I know how much it makes all y’all’s skin crawl!)

That said, while most of your life may have been characterized by grown-ups rapidly retreating if at any point a Young Person indicated that they were experiencing hard feelings — you don’t get that break from me. Certainly not here. You are free to be as passionate and as melodramatic as you like — I care not. This is not high school debate class. This is the public space. You want to run with the big dogs, you gotta learn to pee in the tall grass.

A point of correction: You characterize me as a Boomer, presumably based on the rough definition that I was born between 1946 and 1964. (Here’s a great article, if you’re interested.) Fair enough. I was born in ‘62, which according to the charts makes me barely a Boomer. For better or worse, I typically find myself on the cusp of things, so this is familiar territory for me. According to the Census Bureau, the only generation they define are the Boomers — because counting. That’s what they do. Interestingly, they also report that 2015 marks the year that the Mills will outnumber the Boomers. So, there’s that.

Given that, the world was pretty much eff’d before I came along. Remember the Inquisition? Marie Antoinette? The slaughter of indigenous Americans? Slavery? The displacement of Native Americans? World War II? Yeah — that isht went down way before me and your parents and g-parents were born so, yeah.

Just wanted to clarify, Justin. No one’s trying to “tear down” you or your generation — certainly not me. That said, I am tired of all of the lip service being paid to the many high-minded and idealistic notions you allude to when…what are you doing, exactly? Look — I don’t have anything against anyone who starts a microbrewery. I enjoy beer. Do we need another craft brew? No, but I’m not opposed to it. If you can make something that someone wants to pay for, go for it. But don’t act like you want to save the world, and then get a job coding for Facebook, spending your days debating the relative merits and demerits of “like” vs “dislike” vs “seen” — not that there’s anything wrong with that, per se. If you like to code, and you’re making a living, enjoying it and taking care of yourself, I commend you. But, if you want to save the world, go to Africa. Joint the Peace Corps, or Americorps. Or just feed homeless people — you get to pick.

But quit the frontin’. It’s tedious. I’m not bitter, I’m annoyed. And what’s most annoying, very simply, is the pontificating. The toothless passion. The attempt to sound smarter/deeper/better than one really is — using nice words and complex sentences to convey the impression of substance when there isn’t any — that’s just air freshener. And it’s annoying coming from anyone, regardless of what generation claims them. Keep it real.

Part IV

Wherein the Mashable editors, still intent on Fabricating Something to Write About, strip my original post of likes, essentially silencing public opinion. (read: lolz)