Answering “Why do I feel bad?”, Part 4: Remorse
This post is part of a 14-part series of “issues” — emotions, behaviors, and events — that change your life in ways that cause you to ask, “Why do I feel bad?” These issues range from the familiar (regret, tragedy) to the less obvious (distorted thinking) to the unexpected (attachment issues).
If you haven’t already, read Part 1: Introduction and Context. It explains the purpose of this series (including how to read the diagram in this post), answers some Frequently Asked Questions, and gives recommendations on how to use this series to improve your life.
Remorse
Remorse is like guilt, but the feeling is intensified because what you have done has caused serious harm to someone else.
When Martin was a freshman, he was blind with rage when he flunked his history class. To get even, he accused the professor of making a sexual advance toward him, and the teacher was quickly fired. Years later, when Martin was similarly accused, he didn’t lose his job, but the immensity of what he had done hit him like a punch to the gut. He was very careful to be honest for the rest of his life, but his remorse kept him awake several nights a year.
A person may feel remorse for a variety of actions: a serious transgression (for example, defrauding someone of $10,000), a hurtful act (being unfaithful to a spouse), or monstrous behavior (physical abuse that sends a loved one to the hospital).
But action alone is not enough to trigger remorse. You must deeply feel the suffering you have caused. You must realize that it was your action, deliberate and without concern for others, that caused great harm to innocent people. And you must deeply wish that you had acted differently.
Because of the consequences of what you have done, remorse often triggers a reaction that guilt does not: a resolve to become a better person, and sometimes an attempt to repair or atone for the damage that you have done.
Remorse can produce different feelings in the mind and body — for example, sadness, regret, despair, or self-loathing. Some people call it a “fall from grace” or a spiritual crisis. But what they share in common is an emotional heaviness, sometimes piercing, that forces them to re-evaluate who they are.
In the diagram at top, remorse is the rectangular red outline in the lower left corner. The rectangle is short because it is almost always obvious that you are feeling remorse. Its extended width indicates that remorse can occur for both trivial and somewhat more serious reasons.
You can also read the entire series on one page at greggwilliams.co.
If you like this article then please click the ❤ below and share with others.
Check out my Medium publication, Your Better Life.
Personal wisdom, articles that shift your thinking in important ways, things that will make your life better. Quality content that adds something good to your life.
You can find YBL at https://FindYourBetterLife.com/— that’s “find your better life DOT com.”
And to follow/subscribe, just click the icon at the bottom of any article page.
