Chameleon of Acceptance
Abraham Maslow developed a psychological theory on the hierarchy of needs as it relates to motivation. His hierarchy outlined a five stage model that included physiological, safety, love and belongingness, esteem, and self-actualization needs. According to Simply Psychology, “Maslow stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs. When one need is fulfilled a person seeks to fulfill the next one…” (SimplyPsychology.org). I believe acceptance encompasses reaching all of these stages of needs. Acceptance allows for an individual to feel safe and secure emotionally and socially, but it also requires us to see our own value and personal potential. Acceptance is a catalyst that leads to friendship, security, and awareness of our personal value within a group. We gain confidence in ourselves knowing that someone appreciates us, and we develop a greater motivation for seeking a deeper relationship. Then we can use discernment to determine how we can make an impact in our society and our world. But sometimes, we can get stuck.
To speak personally, I feel I am not accepted for my true identity, but who I think others want me to be. There have been times in my life where I felt being a nice guy would give me a great relationship in return. When that did not work, it seemed that people perceived me as fake. I believe there are moments where I am motivated to hide my identity behind my need for acceptance.
Motivation Defined
In order to be motivated, there has to be a motive, or a reason for doing something, whether it is obvious or concealed. There is an end goal that needs to be achieved. When I assert that I am motivated to hide my identity behind my need for acceptance, I am identifying that I have a need; I am willing to place someone else’s opinion of me above my own; and I strive to change elements of my behavior to fit what I think is their view of me. If I implement that behavior across different social groups or people that I interact with, I have become a chameleon of acceptance. I adjust my actions to fit my audience so I can feel a sense of security. But am I really doing anything to achieve top level security by changing my behavior from one group to another? Wouldn’t that consider me fake? Am I fully realizing my true identity?
Sometimes I have wondered if who I am is enough for people to accept me. I have pondered if my personality projects an indelible fallacy. I am painfully observant. I see the best and the worst in people, and still manage to maintain a relationship with them because I believe that humans are constantly growing and developing their thoughts and ideas. I see their balancing act. Some people tend to tip towards their greatness, and others lean on their pain. I want to balance both through honesty and kindness, but some take my honesty for ill-will. Others will respond to my kindness as phony. It frustrates me because I just want to be accepted for the complicated being that I am.
“Squad” Complex
But there have been times where I have relied on a set group of people to validate my identity and dignity. Herein lies the concept I call the “squad” complex. I have different core friend groups that I socialize with in college. The group I identify the most with is a group of five guys that are older in seniority that have contributed differently to my college experience.
I was in my first semester of college, and I remember there being a guest speaker coming to campus. I was originally going with a group that I thought were friends with me. Those people left me. While I was looking for those group of people, one of the guys from my current core friend group called me over and asked if I wanted to sit with him and his friends. From that moment, I felt like I was worthy. And once I got accustomed to the group of guys that were around, I felt secure. I had a “squad.” No one outside of that group could hurt me because I associated my identity and my self-worth to the “squad.” I belonged.
As the next semester progressed, I started to become more involved with campus life. I developed new friendships with different people on campus, and I established core friend groups with other people that I identified with. I started to realize that my worth was not tied to one “squad,” it was founded in my ability to foster great relationships with the people I met. I found my own value. But as time went on, it seemed like some of the members of my original “squad” saw my new-found popularity as a threat to their personal well-being. That feeling carried into the next year with some of these guys perceiving me as fake, or believing that I am telling their secrets to the masses of people that I knew. Even though I was not doing that, I valued their friendship with me so much that I resorted back to my “squad” complex just so I could have some sense of security with all of them. I became a chameleon of acceptance again.
But I already knew my worth, and I couldn’t shake the growth that was going to occur.
Why I Care
I want to know what makes people writhe in pain. Squirm in anguish. Seethe in anger. I care about the complexities of why people are elated, ecstatic, and jubilant about their lives. But everyone seems to be worried about their own happiness, or their own pain, and how well they can get by over others, while I stand in the middle adapting to every person’s unique traits. I may be human, but we are far from simple. Through all of the eternal turmoil of fighting for acceptance, I learned that in order to be accepted you have to be vulnerable. I had to strip away my pain protection in order to allow the opportunity for true acceptance to occur.
I admit that I have lived my life for other people’s approval. I have sacrificed my happiness for some. Rarely did I search for my value as I am. But I felt that I had to balance my act.
So maybe I am a phony. Or maybe I am misunderstood. But truthfully, the first step to acceptance is becoming self-aware. It is about discovering where you have been wounded.
Security and disappointment plagues my life constantly and influences my behavior. Although those themes of pain follow me every step of the way, being aware and acknowledging the source of my pain provides me the opportunity to accept myself and my personal potential. Seeking acceptance from others is only a small piece of the bigger puzzle. What if we could move past solely being accepted by others and move to accepting our pain? Recognizing that discomfort can reveal not only where we fall short, but also our greatest potential to make an impact.
I had to acknowledge and believe that my value can be effective for a group, but can also lead others to their greatness as well. I believe we all want to be accepted for who we are, but we can only be accepted when we realize that we are valuable. That is how we get better. The challenge is here.
Will you choose to accept it?
