Coffee and Change
One good thing about ending a bad relationship — you have a lot more time to do things that are good for you.
So, in an effort to clean up my life, to commit to nurturing myself, to cultivate awareness of the present and Be Here Now, I took a class on Buddhism and Psychoanalysis. Real Buddhism — none of this “chant-for-what-you-want” Buddhism. I wanted to let go of my suffering.
One day in class, we discussed letting go of attachments, preferences and habits — to see life with clear eyes. The only questionable habit I was willing to admit to, was that I drank coffee — every single day — just one wonderful glass, in the morning — like so many others all across the world. The teacher quietly suggested that as an exercise, for the class, I try to skip the coffee altogether for a week.
Is he talking to me? I look around — the other members of the class are staring at me. Okay, maybe they’re just smiling innocently, but they’re not winning any friendship points just sitting there, letting me squirm! Yes, I want to learn about detachment and letting go but really, I think the teacher’s kind of overstepping by suggesting I change something so delicious, so personally gratifying, so important to me and my happiness.
For most of my life, I’ve believed I need a cup of coffee in the morning. Such a simple pleasure…
I spent years refining the perfect coffee, a delicate recipe all my own — a mix of seven-eighths Italian espresso, one-eighth vanilla hazelnut. Made from the freshest coffee and milk in the neighborhood. At night, I’d prepare a pot of it and let it cool, then put it in the fridge. In the front, safe from spills, ready for the next few days. Some like it hot but I like it ice-y cold…milky and sweet.
So, every single morning, I would wake up, wash up, pour my favorite sprouted whole grain cereal and add light-soy-milk. (I’ve read hundreds of cereal labels for nutritional details, and tasted quite a few, until I found “the one” cereal I can wholeheartedly love!) Then, ice-cold from the ‘fridge, I’d pour a delicious pint glass full of coffee, and heap in a tablespoon of sugar. Yes, a tablespoon, you heard me. (It’s decadent, I know — but that’s the only sugar I’d eat…unless it’s Thursday. Or sometimes Friday. Or weekends.)
Then, I’d fill my glass with whole milk, aaaaall the way to the top and then some, to slightly above the rim, like a surface tension experiment from high school science class. Then I’d take that first most delicious cool slurp off the top, so it wouldn’t spill, and carry the coffee and cereal from the kitchen counter to the breakfast table for my humble morning feast. I had made a very strict “one coffee a day” rule for myself, and thoroughly enjoyed that cup, well, pint glass.
Skip coffee for a week? No, absolutely not! Coffee is good for me! Research says so! Well, some of the research. I read it’s good for gout and Alzheimer’s, and reduces strokes, heart attacks, blood pressure, maybe even cancer. Or causes them — they’re still not sure. Other people drink coffee all the time, way more than me. Some people even use caffeine pills and five-hour energy drinks, which is just crazy bad for you! I need some pleasure…a little comfort, in my disciplined adult existence! All right, it’s a crutch — I’m weak! But I’m kind to others! I NEED. MY. COFFEE!!!!
I felt betrayed by my teacher. I’m just barely taking care of business in my life. Can’t he see that? I’m hangin’ on by a thread! This one coffee is what separates me from catastrophic collapse each day. Here I am, thinking I’m just a regular person — I’m an addict! This is embarrassing. There’s no room in his class for a spiritual weakling like me — I’m a burden to any teacher — I should never return to this class!
My teacher noticed I was a little resistant to change.
I was sure he would get the message and back the fuck down! Instead, he pressed on, suggesting that rather than skipping the coffee altogether, I could just delay the coffee drinking…by five breaths. Hmm. Inhale, exhale five times, slowly — observe any thoughts or feelings that arise in me — and then, I could drink the coffee! Well, that seemed do-able. One week of…small delays. Fine! I wasn’t happy but I agreed to try the assignment and report to class, the next week.
The first day I took the five breaths, I congratulated myself — “This is so easy!”
The second day, just as I started taking my five slow breaths, I noticed that I’d actually already sipped the coffee…both days.
The third day, the sound of sipping awakened me from my morning fog. I kicked myself down the long ladder in my head and walked to my breakfast table…in shame!…to take five slow breaths.
The fourth day, I caught myself, just as I was bending down to sip! Mm-hmm! I spilled off the top of the coffee, onto the counter…a big mess and a waste of good coffee! But, hey, I do follow directions!…Eventually.
The fifth day, I adjusted. I poured the milk in the coffee at the breakfast table, not the counter. No sip, no spill. An awkward and inefficient way to do it, the milk would certainly spoil more quickly sitting out for five minutes at the table while I’m eating every morning, but okay.
The sixth day, I tried ANOTHER adjustment — I poured in less milk…less creamy color, less delicious taste…less pleasure.
The final day of this exercise, FINAL ADJUSTMENT — I poured in both less milk and less coffee. I worried I might run out of energy, or get a withdrawal headache and be cranky with people — and never be allowed to enjoy my full cup of pleasure, again…ever!
I go back to class to complain to my teacher about his ridiculous challenge to my otherwise easy and perfect breakfast routine, and he asks me, “Why do you overfill your cup?”
What a relief when that experiment was over! Maybe someday I’ll stop drinking coffee, like maybe if I can’t taste anything. Like if I get some kind of miserable weekend virus that makes me really, really sick and robs me of my sense of smell and taste, and makes everything taste like poison, especially fried foods and coffee. Oh yeah, that’s exactly what actually happened.
Now, every morning, I drink Organic Chai tea.
This piece was originally presented at the Goethe House, and later, at The Moth.
If you enjoyed this, please let me know. You can also read “Learning Spanish”, “The Door Won’t Shut”, “To Cook or Not To Cook: That is the Question”, “Sweet Goodbyes” and “No Feelings. No Reaction. Just Breathe.”
