Coming Soon…Donald Trump’s Theme Park, D.C., District of Catastrophe

Misogynists, Xenophobes, Bigots and Supremacists get ready for the thrill of a lifetime. January 2017 marks the opening of Donald Trump’s new theme park, The District of Catastrophe. Just like any good theme park, it will have thrill rides, games, character greeting spots, live shows, and of course, plenty of souvenir shops. Below is a list of what you can expect now that you’ve bought yourself a four-year pass, and are staying on property.

Thrill Rides

Our thrill rides will excite and delight the most deplorable of deplorables.

Start your day off right with a spin on Hell in a Handbasket.

On this ride, you move at lightening speed, without pausing to read the constitution or to follow principles set forth by the ole democracy, putting smartly dressed Ivy league feminazis in prison without first charging them with wrongdoing. Don’t worry about that old saying, innocent until proven guilty, in the District of Catastrophe, we lock ’em up without batting an eyelash or giving a second thought to the tired notion of due process.

Move right from Hell in Handbasket to Immigration Station.

Here you’ll have the opportunity to hunt down some hardworking immigrants, rip them from their families and help to throw the economy out of whack. Don’t worry, it won’t affect your wallet. After completing this ride, you’ll be given a book on tape version of a course from Trump University called Tax Evasion 101.

After a few rides, you might be ready to play some theme park games.

Games

We have some exciting games that you can play during your four year stay with us. In New York, we’re repurposing the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island to be a high-rise casino. After all, who wants to hear about tired, suffering, poor people. That’s boring and I don’t like boring. I fire boring. Now you can truly forget all about the time when your family was immigrating to this Great Nation and instead focus on playing the slots, poker, and black jack. While you’re there, you might even want to try out another of our favorite games, Grab ’em by the pussy, on anyone of the scantily clad, minors we’ll have serving drinks. Please note this game is available in all states, but we can’t guarantee, if you’re in one of those blue northeastern states, that the pussy you grab will belong to a ten.

If you’re looking for action and adventure, play shoot’em up theatre. Now that you can buy your semi-automatic rifles at all of my souvenir shops, without the hassle of a background check, you can take out unsuspecting movie-goers in a quick clip. Not only is this great fun, what better revenge for those hollywood stars that dicked me in the election?

Character Greeting Spots

We all know the kids are eager to get their pictures taken with their favorite mascots. Our men in pointy white hats will be out in full force- but an insider tip, the best place to spot them is at one those silly Black Lives Matter rallies.

Live Shows

Forget about Hamilton, the District of Catastrophe is putting on it’s own live production called Frozen. No, it’s not about frigid bitches who think men don’t save the day and that sisterhood is more important than getting a little attention from a manly man like myself. This show stars me and Vladimir Putin, Putin on the Hits, so to speak.

Imagine, Pinocchio in reverse. A little boy who is a big liar becomes a puppet for a KGB spy and effectively jeopordizes democracy as Americans know it. They’ll be plenty of catchy tunes, dance acts, and costumes. You won’t want to miss it.

Souvenir Shops

Trophy Wives R Us

This is the flagship souvenir shop at the park. You can bring your old, fat cow of a wife, your noisy, pmsing Megyn Kelly type, or whatever thirty-year old, flat chested broad you have hanging around the house, and get a credit towards a brand new shiny, trophy wife. These gals are great. They can’t think for themselves, have no self-esteem, and they do whatever you want in the sac, if you know what I mean. Highly recommend them.

That’s all the news about the park for now folks. Be sure to check back for updates and to learn more about our upcoming attractions, like muslim hazing, reprogramming camp for the gays, and who wants to make fun of the handicapped.