Dealing with Chaos
I have had a fairly steady life for the past two years up until April time. I was comfortable in a well-paying job. I had a long-term relationship, nice house, pets and an easy life. For some reason or another I couldn’t function properly. I became a very passive person, avoiding social gatherings for fear of anxiety taking a firm grip, unable to make a definitive decision on the simplest of things. I had truly lost sight of myself for the first time in my life. The scariest part was that I didn’t realise how much of myself I had lost. This was no one’s fault but mine.
A lot can change in two months.
I now find myself in a state of chaos and I can’t seem to get enough of it. Chaos doesn’t allow you to be passive. Chaos forces the sink or swim mentality. You cannot second guess, you have to stand by your convictions. People leave your life, new people come into it and all you can do is embrace it. I do not have a fixed address right now, my plans are all last minute, my new job is really pushing me to challenge myself. My comfort zone is out of sight and I’m still running.
When will I stop running? I don’t feel like I can right now, I certainly don’t want to.
But.
One cannot live on Chaos alone, once the storm has passed what happens next? For me, I have learned a very valuable lesson and that is to be the best version of yourself as can be. Fresh slates allow you to reimpose your values and beliefs. My thoughts are now more coherent than they ever have been. My drive to have creative output is back and my honesty and openness are there for all to witness. I have no desire to spend money on objects I do not need for temporary empty happiness. I owe this to chaos. Being passive is no longer an option, having fear of failure is no longer an option, not being your true self is no longer an option.
A little chaos goes a long way, enjoy it while it lasts.
‘Chaos is what makes me strive, chaos pushes me, chaos forces me to break out of the comfort zone. Chaos makes me feel alive.’
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