Donald Trump Calls for All Bathtubs to Be Banned from the U.S.

Following President Obama’s recent comments that more Americans die each year from slipping in the bathtub than they do from terrorism, presidential candidate Donald Trump has called for a ban on all bathtubs.

“Elect me president, and I’ll rid our country of every damn bathtub!” Trump proclaimed to an irate crowd inside a Chuck E. Cheese in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “Lying Ted Cruz didn’t tell you the truth about bathtubs. Why would he? He lies! I hear he even uses bathtubs!”

“And Hillary Clinton — you think SHE’S going to tell you the truth about bathtubs?” Trump shouted. “I hear her secret emails had tons of stuff about how dangerous bathtubs are. But the American Bathtub Manufacturers donated $35 million to her campaign. She’s been bought by the bathtubs!”

When asked by a reporter how he plans to ban bathtubs, Trump responded that he had a plan. When asked for the details, Trump yelled, “Get ‘em!” and a campaign aide slide tackled the reporter.

Another reporter, looking extremely terrified, asked Trump how he plans to finance the banning of bathtubs. It seems, this reporter dared to suggest, that this proposal would be at least as expensive as the border wall.

Trump shrugged. “Eh, it’ll cost $5 million,” he said. “Maybe $12. Two hundred million, tops.”

At this point, Trump was interrupted by a rally attendee who yelled: “Make the bathtubs pay for it!”

Trump then referred to this attendee as a “genius” and asked said attendee to serve as Secretary of State in his administration.

Anti-bathtub sentiment ran high among Trump supporters at the rally. One heavily-bearded attendee held a sign that read, “Throw the bathtub out with the bathwater!” His companion, a man whose entire body was covered by one giant American flag tattoo, wore a t-shirt emblazoned with the words “You’re a piece of bath.”

When asked about his feelings on bathtubs, the tattooed Trump supporter said: “Every other politician tiptoes around the subject, like a girl or something, but Trump tells it like it is.”

When asked whether he was particularly anti-bathtub before Trump came along, the supporter nodded enthusiastically. “Bathtubs are the reason I sit around all day drinking and smoking instead of going to work. To hell with the bathtubs! They had it coming.”

The other presidential candidates have felt obligated to respond to Trump’s inflammatory comments about bathtubs. “Donald Trump is a fearmonger and has no idea what he’s talking about,” Ted Cruz said in a statement. “But I agree that bathtubs are the work of the devil, and they should all be eradicated.”

In a statement first published on Medium and also distributed via Snapchat and Instagram, Hillary Clinton said: “Donald Trump is an embarrassment to our country and a danger to our national security. I may have changed my mind about a few things over the course of my very long political career (did I mention how long it’s been?), but I have always firmly protected the rights of bathtubs.”

This statement elicited predictable backlash from Sanders supporters. “God, Hillary is such a politician-y politician,” one tweet read. “Her position on bathtubs is so status quo,” read another tweet.

Bernie Sanders asked his supporters to cool their jets (the pun presumably was intended) and then added, “Why the hell are we talking about bathtubs? But while we’re at it, there are way too many corporate bigwigs getting rich off bathtubs. If I’m president, I’ll fix that. Every American will share in the profits from the construction of bathtubs.”

After hearing Sanders’s comments, Clinton released updated remarks: “I would like to say, also, why the hell are we talking about this?”