Femsplaining mansplained — The perfect married woman tells you how to be the perfect married man

image via MontyPythonScrapbookofBrianofNazareth

Or is it mansplaining femsplained? Either way, it’s love — marital style.

About that shirt

About that shirt a woman told you she liked. First off, it was me. Second, change it. Just because an attractive woman (again, me) told you she liked the shirt you were wearing it does not give you license to a) wear it two days in a row or b) rotate it back into your shirt schedule every third day.

Third, consider that when the woman (me, dummy) that complimented the shirt might not have really been focusing on the shirt. For reasons that you may find hard to fathom, sometimes the perfect married woman’s moods change. We become more susceptible to bestowing compliments based on a number of factors: how horny we are, how smelly you aren’t, how close we are to a vacation, and how long it’s been since the perfect married woman saw a dish and a towel in your hands.

They repealed the gender laws

There is no legal barrier to you firing up the vacuum cleaner.

Don’t try throwing the “division of duties” argument back in the PMW’s face

Yes, we both have chores that we typically handle around the house and offspring. Don’t think for a second that yours are more onerous than the perfect married woman’s. The next time the perfect married woman hears you harrumphing that she never takes out the garbage will be the last time you will ever want to argue with a woman — perfect or otherwise — about anything.

Because the perfect married woman will do it. She’ll take out the garbage. It ain’t that hard. Then the perfect married woman will dine out on it for months, reminding you at every perfect opportunity that you do not step over to the perfect married woman’s side of the ledger. Go ahead, take that shot, perfect-married-man-in-training (PMMIT). This is what we in the marital business call “the perfect trap.”

Find some new material, slappy

Your pre-marital witticisms were once tolerable. That was then, this is forever. Time to freshen up your act. Long before the ball was chained to both of our ankles, your bon mots and repeated jokes could land on the perfect not-yet-married-woman’s ears with a peal of mirth. (Yes, those are real words.)

Time to head back to the writer’s room. Say no to the ESPN, unless you’re doing oppositional research to learn what witticisms to not say. Impress your perfect married woman with new auditory delights like undiscovered musical gems of the past and present, for starters. If your tastes begin and end with Kid Rock then skip right to the topic below titled “Are you sure you’re in the right business?”

For the record, jokes about “red tents for women,” “being sent off on an iceberg,” and anything to do with driving skill were never funny. We just weren’t married then.

Don’t yammer on about your fantasy football team

Not just for the marrieds. Nobody wants to hear about your fantasy football team. Nobody. Not even the people in your “league.” The perfect married woman is not going to fill in that last slot in your league because Flaky McDinglehaus dropped out.

The perfect married woman is further uninterested in how you fleeced Touchdownthere out of Dez Bryant by working a three-way trade with Schweddy Balls while only giving up Carson somebody and blah blah blah blah blah.

If you persist, the perfect married woman will have no choice but to resume telling you about the people at work. Twice a day. By phone.

The “dad bod” phenomena

There’s been some media riffing on the growing acceptance of the “dad bod.” The perfect married woman loves you, including all flaws, but make no mistake: the perfect married woman is not in this camp. Age changes us all, but one thing remains clear: We notice.

Your perfect married woman can help. The perfect married woman engages in a lot of upkeep. Let this be a beacon for you. Perfect-married-men-in-training may not be able to keep up with the perfect married woman stride for stride, but it is imperative for you to not get lapped.

Are you sure you’re in the right business?

The answer is “yes,” by the way. However, the perfect married woman knows that marriage ain’t for the faint-of-heart. Sometimes, the perfect-married-man-in-training will have to endure something perfect married women know as “coaching opportunities.”

You’re gonna be coached. You may not know it, but it’s happening. The sooner you get used to it the happier you’ll be. Perfect married women are quite capable of accepting coaching as well. Just as long as it never gets beyond the PMMIT’s muddled thinking and actually reaches human lips or ears.

Coaching opportunities lead to improved performance and valuable insights about your chosen career path. Some people learn through coaching that they need to find a new line of work. We’re going to focus on the former because your perfect married woman is not letting you out of your contract. We don’t renegotiate when there are still multiple years left on your deal. The only thing your perfect married woman will allow for are contract extensions.

Look at it this way, if Aaron Rodgers wants to be coached, why shouldn’t you? He currently canoodles with Olivia Munn. Not too shabby. It’s no shame that you actually did better than Rodgers in the love department (me, dummy). We’re in it together, teammate. Now let’s go win that championship.

Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? The Perfect Married Woman thinks so.

© Julian Rogers is the editor and publisher of The Hit Job, Marketing Communications Leadership and is the owner of Juju Eye Communications.