Fighting Uncertainty, Part 5: Activate External Sources of Support

Hi, I’m Gregg. You may want to start at Part 1 (click here), which has links to all the other parts at the bottom of the page. The entire series is available as a free ebook at greggwilliams.co. Thanks for reading! –gw

When you’re in the middle of uncertainty, the impulse to protect yourself by withdrawing from life can be overpowering. But isolating yourself makes you feel worse, not better. It also keeps you from using helpful resources in the outside world.

Here are three techniques you can use to access these external resources.

Make room for what helps you

As you already know, uncertainty tends to take over your life. Because of this, there are probably things from before the uncertainty began that brought meaning and stability into your life, and now they’re gone. Putting some of these back into your life restores something that gives you strength, as well as making you feel more in control of your life.

♦ Exercise: To find things worth restoring to your life, complete the following sentences, replacing the words in all-caps:

“When I am at my best, I am SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS.”

“It is very important for me to WORK OUT REGULARLY.”

“I am the kind of person who always enjoys EATING GOOD FOOD.”

Complete each sentence in more than one way and write down what you discover. Restore one or more of these activities to your life. ♦

When you do these activities, remind yourself of why they are important to you. Recall the positive emotions associated with the activity, then amplify them within you. Doing this every time you engage in the activity will increase the benefit you get from doing it.

Technique: Talk to someone who will listen

Talking about your problems to someone who really listens is one of the most powerful things you can do to help you get through difficult times.

Recall the positive emotions, then amplify them within you

When this is what you want, look for someone you feel comfortable talking with, someone you can trust to keep your conversation private.

Deal with unwanted advice

Many people (especially men) have a tendency to offer advice; it’s just human nature. Because of this, consider starting the conversation with something like this:

“You know how sometimes you feel better after you’ve talked to somebody? Well, I just need to talk about my situation so I don’t keep it bottled up inside me. If you can just listen, that will help me the most. Can you do that for me?”

Your listener will probably offer advice at some point. Monitor your feelings in the moment and decide what’s best for you. You may decide to let the moment pass. You may thank them for their advice and ask them again if they can just listen. Or you may end the conversation gently and try again with another person.

What to talk about

Talk about whatever you feel needs to be said.

You may decide to talk about what has just happened to you. You may talk about a specific thing that’s bothering you. You may just say whatever comes into your head.

As much as you can, talk about your feelings, especially what you’re afraid of. This can be scary or uncomfortable, but your emotions are where the bad stuff lives. Unburdening yourself to a sympathetic human being can be a profoundly healing experience.

What to do if you don’t have anyone to talk to

It may be that you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable talking to right now. If that’s the case, consider calling a crisis help line. These services are confidential, and they are staffed by people who are trained to listen with compassion and without judgment.

Crisis help lines are always free, and they’re usually available 24 hours a day to anyone who has access to a telephone. You can feel comfortable calling any service that uses the word “crisis” in its name or description, and you can talk about anything you are having trouble with.

Talk about your feelings, especially what you’re afraid of

You may feel that a crisis help line is not for you, but I invite you to take the risk and call. Without exception, clients of mine have told me that they had good experiences with crisis help lines and that they were glad they had tried them.

Technique: Talk to someone to help you solve problems

On the other hand, there are times when you do want advice or help. It’s much easier to find someone for this purpose, because more people are comfortable talking about solving problems than they are about listening. Also, problem-solving conversations are usually not about feelings and fears, so you will have a larger group of people to choose from. But you will still need to be selective; look for someone whose judgment you trust.

You may find that while you are thinking out loud about your situation, the solution to some problem you’re having will unexpectedly occur to you. This is a well-known phenomenon, and it’s another reason that talking to someone — anyone — can help you make progress with your situation.