Following Playboy Lead, Mags Make Major Announcements

After Playboy announced recently it would no longer feature fully nude women on its pages, other major magazines followed with their own big announcements:

National Geographic, bowing to its Instagram metrics, says it will spend less time in Borneo and more time chronicling rituals on South Padre Island, Texas in mid-April.

Penthouse, sensing an opportunity, will again solicit forum letters beginning “I never imagined this would happen to me,” but will insist on multimedia and notarized documents confirming the alleged incident that they are happy to accept via Dropbox.

Popular Mechanics announced it had fully integrated itself into the maker culture and has the 3D printer to prove it, but right now one of the associate editors has a photo of Katy Perry in the copy room, so everybody just needs to wait.

Hot Rod reiterated that all the drivers they feature are Uber-licensed, but that there are certain risks involved.

GQ announced they have accepted the man bun as a statement, but for its Vimeo channel will feature only models who can unfurl them in the wind with no hands, in no more than three takes.

Good Housekeeping will spend more time telling readers they can get a robot to do their cleaning for them, and that the robot can also make guacamole for the dinner party tonight, and even tell jokes to the guests if you pour enough tequila in its head funnel.

Golf Digest announced it will skip the 6th hole for now and have a Scotch rocks.

Highlights for Kids said they would finally make their puzzles easy enough for adults to complete.

Fast Company said it will continue to write about new design and sustainability geniuses, but will also profile monkeys that can build LEEDS-certified enclave forts with their dung.

People will do a special issue titled “Whatever Happened to the Voice Actors on the Jetsons?” and if any of them is in rehab, will send their thoughts and prayers toward a speedy recovery.

O, The Oprah Magazine finally admitted that we can’t always overcome obstacles in our lives, especially if the government has built invisible shock fences around our yard, and it doesn’t matter if you can’t see them, that’s what they want you to think.

The New Yorker will continue specializing in in-depth journalism covering political and cultural changes, but will stop pretending that when Selena Gomez defends Justin Bieber, it doesn’t count, simply because they dated and she’s loyal to him. I’m sure.

Sports Illustrated will attempt to write as poetically about football as it does baseball, except not with poems about blue skies and green grass, but extra-yellow nachos with green peppers and their tumultuous aftermath.

Entertainment Weekly gave an A+ to the new Netflix series Narcos, because the series made their reviewer stay up all night talking to himself while he was watching, even though there was nobody else in the room, and his new 46-inch HDTV is awesome (!), and now he thinks he’ll clean the kitchen.

Field & Stream magazine announced it won’t change a damn thing in their magazine, because they are Field & Stream, dammit.

Cosmopolitan published an editor’s column admitting that orgasms are overrated compared to Ben & Jerry’s Boom Chocolatta, and that future editorial would reflect that correction. The Men’s Journal editors agreed, and the two staffs will soon merge their mutual passions. You know, creating listicles.

The Economist announced their smartypants writers finally admitted that 7th-grade algebra WAS as difficult for them as the rest of us, and that they didn’t understand what an economic Indifference Curve was until eighth grade. So nah.

Vanity Fair confirmed that the next Hollywood issue would be shot in the Valley, finally admitting that’s where the cool people have lived since 2005.

Maxim, knowing that Helen Mirren announced she will no longer do nude scenes, will talk her into some provocative poses that convince her what the rest of us know: She’s not done yet. It’s too soon.

Seventeen announced it would at last change the magazine title to 17, adhering to Associated Press and Chicago Manual of Style edicts, ending one of the longest-running feuds in publishing.

The Onion announced its stories are not really true, and if you believe they are, the joke’s on you. Or not. Or not not. You figure it out, Area Man.

ESPN magazine announced that its network has unleashed new technology that allows sports news to scroll in front of your eyes 24 hours a day, even when you are not near the TV, even news about West Coast teams, and you know how that must hurt them to do that for you.

Thrasher, the skateboard magazine, Snapchatted that they wish you would drain the water from your swimming pool.

TV Guide cut the cord.