Helpful Holiday Formulae

It’s often difficult to understand holiday math, so I’ve created this short list of equations to help you make sense of the madness.

You’re welcome.

• (wise men + elves) = (stupid hats + myrrh) × (candy canes + conflict)
• anxiety ÷ (dawn + caffeine²) ≥ midnight
• (1 pine ÷ 2 cats) + the mall = √armageddon
• (despair + distance ∕ time) × (3 french hens + bacon)= crisis
• (eggnog + bourbon ∕ unwrapped gifts) × (incoming guests ∕ uncooked ham) ≥ moral decline
• Black Friday − $ / deck the halls = humbug
• parties = (forced cheer + √rage) × (cocktail weiners + wine³)
• (carols + cookies³) − √sanity ≤ grief
• Santa = (lies + greed + obesity) × (hope + doubt + candy²)
• resolutions ≥ (√desperation + delusion) × (regrets + mimosas)
• (demerara + confectioner’s + turbinado) × shnapps = diabetic coma
• kin/need × want/charity = emotional exhaustion ²

Feel free to join me in this exercise in ordering the holiday universe.

And, math people, put away the red pen. I am not one of you and the last thing I can deal with this season is a math lesson.

Thank you.