History as It Happened

Closed Captions provided by my education.

Christopher Columbus in Grade School

Teacher: As you can see, if you go to the end of the world, you’ll fall off and die.

Chris: Really? Has anyone ever been?

Teacher: No, Chris. It’s a well-known fact. The Pope said so.

Chris: Has The Pope ever been?

Teacher: I’m not sure Chris. Have you met The Pope?

Chris: No, but I bet King Ferdinand has.

Teacher: Maybe you could go and ask King Ferdinand.

Chris: King Ferdinand would never receive a weaver’s boy like me.

Teacher: That’s not true. If you believe in God, The Pope can make anything happen.

Chris: I believe one day I’ll have my own kingdom full of riches and spices.

Teacher: Woah, slow down, kid. What do you think King Ferdinand would say if you started your own kingdom?

Chris: He’d say, “Good job, King Columbus. Now you and I can be buddies.”

Teacher: I’m not so sure. You’d have to impress him first.

Chris: You think King Ferdinand would let me sail to the end of the world?

Teacher: Well, I wouldn’t want you to die. You’re one of my favorite students.

Chris: But I’m your only student.

Teacher: Exactly, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Genghis Khan Meets Marco Polo

Advisor: I present, Mr. Polo. From Italy.

Genghis: Italy, like spaghetti.

Marco: Your Majesty, I bring inventions from lands far and wild.

Genghis: Where is the spaghetti?

Marco: Funny you should ask sir. I had spaghetti for lunch.

Genghis: Spaghetti is the only dish in the world I have yet to consume.

Marco: And consume you shall. But first, here is a compass that points to your heart’s desire.

Genghis: That better lead me directly to spaghetti.

Marco: Here is a cannon able to pierce through any defenses.

Genghis: Now there’s no way for your people to hide your spaghetti.

Marco: Here is a map plotting out paths from Mongolia to Italy.

Genghis: What a great napkin to use after I’ve eaten your spaghetti.

Marco: Here is —

Genghis: Silence! Show me the spaghetti.

Marco: Your highness, I’m afraid I gave away my spaghetti to your cavalry.

Genghis: How dare you waste precious cuisine on meager people.

Marco: Apologies oh great one, but you can always make more spaghetti.

Genghis: How the hell am I supposed to make spaghetti with a compass, a cannon, and a napkin? These things have nothing to do with spaghetti. I’ve used them all to conquer China.

Marco: But sir, I invite you to do the same for Italy. Be our leader. Rid us of our backwards ways. We have riches, spices, and —

Genghis: I don’t want to conquer Italy. Who’d make spaghetti if I scared off all the Italians?

Marco: It would be my honor to cook for you.

Genghis: Okay fine, but I only need you to make spaghetti since I’ve eaten everything else.