How Donald Trump Can Win My Vote
Let’s just try to keep an open mind here.
So this is actually happening. Donald J. Trump (pictured above) is going to be the GOP-nominee for president. Let me start by saying this: I abhor most of his policies and his general existence.
However, Trump is a master of the art of the deal, as evidenced by his second favorite book of all time, Trump: The Art of the Deal, written by Donald J. Trump. For him to win my vote, he’d have to make me an offer I literally couldn’t refuse. I’d be willing to push all of my disdain for the man aside if this tangerine excuse for a candidate promised to enact a few important policies:
Abort the American Family Association
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the AFA is evil. Like, read here about how evil and out of touch with the world they are.
When I say “abort” I mean to make a well-informed decision about terminating the AFA. Simply put, I want Mr. Trump to call them out for being irrational and unnecessary, and to disavow any action this organization takes. Trump has already come out against House Bill 2, so he’s not too far off on this one.
And shouldn’t the AFA be, like, arguing at dinner about grandpa’s use of the n-word? Or cursing at each other in the car because dad refused to listen to mom’s direction and now they’re late to Easter supper? In my experience, that’s what American families are all about, not stripping away the rights of countless US citizens.
Eliminate “Abortion”
Rather, eliminate the word “abortion,” since the taboo surrounding the word has just become too much to take.
I suggest we kind of just suck the word out of our vernacular so we don’t have to deal with it anymore. We can have another word that’s less threatening and less inclined to make you cringe when you hear it.
What about “goolosh?” That sounds like a nice, non-threatening thing. It wouldn’t nearly be as terrible walking down to the Goolosh Clinic. I think this is something we can all get behind. It’s probably a change that could even get Planned Parenthood more funding.
But, of course, this isn’t just my decision. It’s our decision, and I know how serious it is.
Prince Hologram
I’m sure someone is working on this as I write, but I’m certain President Trump could expedite the process. Imagine it: Prince returns at Super Bowl 51 and knocks us all off our feet with a thrashing guitar solo.
I’d have no problem watching a Prince Hologram at the Super Bowl Halftime Show every single year for the rest of my life. And neither should you.
Just Tell Me If There Are Aliens
I’m tired of waiting. Is the story behind Roswell, New Mexico real? What’s going on at Area 51? Is Ted Cruz really a space lizard?
Trump has run a campaign built on brutal honesty, and, if elected president, I expect him to stay honest. I want to know about everything. Not just aliens. I’m talking the gamut of conspiracy theories. JFK’s assassination. The message on the back of the Declaration of Independence. The president’s Book of Secrets. And whatever the hell the plot to National Treasure 3 is going to be.
Force Greenlight National Treasure 3
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Ben Gates’ whacky historical adventures are the cinematic embodiments of a guilty pleasure. I’m sure Nic Cage would be down.
Fund “Confetti Bomb” Program
Think of it like the Manhattan Project, only, instead of an atomic weapon, we are now building a deterrent to warfare. A bomb with the blast radius of a nuke but instead of deadly rays of heat it only sprays confetti in every direction. Imagine that!
You’ve been to a party where confetti gets scattered everywhere, and the poor mother of the household — not being sexist, but that’s usually how it happens — is stuck cleaning up the mess. Now multiply that by thousands. North Korea? Yeah, you wish it was a nuke. Now you have to spend time picking up all this confetti. Have fun with that!
ISIS? Happy New Year’s! Wait, it’s not New Year’s? But it looks like New Year’s on your floor! Enjoy the cleanup, nerds! Boom, Confetti bombed!
This is how we end war, guys.
Change “The Wall” Rhetoric
We all know Trump’s wall, which began this whole campaign mess, is idiotic.
However, we cannot forget this is an actual proposal of his and not just a plot point in the fourth season of Arrested Development.
Keeping with the brutally honest campaign, Trump needs to be straight with us concerning his wall. It’s a stupid idea, and he should say so.
Therefore, I suggest that Donald, from this point forward, refer to his wall as “my big dumb fucking wall.” This way, he’s not leaving anything to be taken out of context.
Here’s an example of a Trump speech with the aforementioned corrections:
“We’re gonna build it, okay? We’re gonna build my big dumb fucking wall. And if they say ‘no’ or don’t like it, then my big dumb fucking wall is gonna get a lot bigger. Okay? Wow, what a great audience. What beautiful people. My daughter Ivanka is here.”
Also, season 5 of Arrested Development already, please.
Apologize to Jeb Bush
Donald should be ashamed of what he did to that poor, gentile man. The politics of this election will forever leave a sour taste in Jeb’s mouth, and he might not ever be able to appear in public or rig an election again.
An apology is definitely in order. America.
Also Apologize to Marco Rubio
No, actually, fuck Marco Rubio.
Give Me $1,000,000,000
Forget everything I said. This is probably the only thing future former presidential candidate Donald Trump could do to make me vote for him. I’d donate a lot of it to charity, but, come on, I’d also live a little.
This kind of money makes the president of the United States irrelevant, since I’d just be able to buy the next election.
Actually, with this kind of money and a few years worth of investing, I could buy my own presidency. Isn’t America fun?
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what your demands of President Trump would be!
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.
