Lessons I’ve Learned About Supporting an Anxious Friend (With Pictures).

Dear Past Self,

As you are already aware, you have many friends and loved-ones in your life who deal with anxiety. For some, that anxiety is a chronic challenge. For others, anxiety only flares up in unusual circumstances.

Being a friend to someone who is going through an anxious period can feel overwhelming. There’s no training for it in school, no manual you can read to prepare. I’m hoping that the lessons I’ve learned will help you be a better support system for the anxious friends in your life.

The first step in supporting someone dealing with anxiety is to acknowledge that their anxiety is real. That should go without saying, but because of the world we live in, I will repeat the idea:

When somebody says they are feeling seriously anxious or panicky, believe them.

No, they are not making it up. They are not just being dramatic.

Ignoring someone’s anxiety when they express it to you will not make it go away.

Once you acknowledge your friend’s anxiety is real, it can be hard to know what to do or say. It’s easy to feel like you’ve said or done the wrong thing.

The truth is, Past Self, there isn’t always one “right thing” to say to someone struggling with anxiety. But over the years, I’ve learned that there are definitely some things you should avoid.

For example: when somebody tells you that they’re feeling anxious it’s easy to get freaked out. Unfortunately, this freaking out in front of an already-anxious person is rarely helpful:

Freaking out in front of someone who is already struggling with anxiety is like playing with matches near a snowman–probably harmful, and definitely not helpful.

Staying calm, on the other hand, might help your anxious friend calm down a little bit.

That said, staying calm is only the first step.

Once you’ve managed to stay calm yourself, your natural instinct will be to try and calm your anxious friend down. While this is a good instinct, the right wording makes a difference here:

Phrases like “calm down” or “relax” can actually make an anxious friend actually feel worse, because they’re not in control of their emotional state. They can’t just “calm down” any more than they can sprout wings.

Instead, try proposing action items to do: “Let’s take a few breaths,” can be helpful here, as can something like, “o.k., lets try to count backwards from ten.”

While you try to help them calm down, it’s important to make sure that you’re not devaluing or dismissing any of your friend’s emotions.

Phrases like “it’s not a big deal” or “it’s nothing to freak out over,” can often seem like they would be helpful. But, in fact, they can actually have just the opposite effect. They can make the anxious person feel bad about himself/herself, while still being unable to calm down. Often, they already know that they’re anxiety is out of proportion to the actual event, and this knowledge can make them even more anxious.

Instead of downplaying their emotions (which doesn’t work), try talking about proactive solutions. Something like “I think we can address this by xxx,” can be very helpful in the right situations.

Of course, sometimes there is no easy solution in sight. The good news is that being a supportive friend doesn’t mean you have to have a solution for anxiety. It just means you have to be willing to show your support in a meaningful way. And that can be surprisingly simple:

Just saying that you are there for someone can be a big help. Each person is different: some friends might have specific words, phrases, or routines that help them deal with anxiety. Others might prefer to deal with it alone. And, in extreme cases, some might need to go to the hospital. Listening to what your friend is telling you–instead of talking–will help make you a good, supportive friend during these times.

Of course, I’m certainly not perfect in this department either, Past Self. But I think I’m improving. And I hope that these tips I’ve learned over time will help you deal with situations you encounter in the future.

Best,

Present Self

This article originally appeared on 2manythoughts.com. If you liked it, please feel free to clap or share. Thanks so much for reading!