Me: Do you have any dating tips for me?

Sister: Do I have any tips?

Me: Not you. Nora.

Sister: You know what…? She probably could help you.

And so that’s who I went to.

I’m currently in that suspended state of love — but, you know, sans love. I reluctantly re-joined Tinder, but am now slowly weening myself off it again after too many matches have asked me for money to watch them webcam, even though I thought webcamming went out with Friendster.

So in between episodes of “Peppa Pig” and “Paw Patrol” — whatever the hell that is— I sat my adorable two-and-a-half-year old niece down for a little talk. Well… a big talk. Advanced talk, I’d say. Though from what I hear, she could easily follow what I was saying because she’s “quite gifted.”

I am meeting people. You don’t believe me, do you? Well I am. Okay, more like persons. “People” makes it seem like, OMG I’VE MET LIKE A THOUSNSSD PEOPLE. Again, most have been bots.

But for the few who are real and have a pulse, it’s a lot of coffees and… and… tentative plans for future cups of coffee. In one instance it was a beer.

I like the first date to not be a date, if that makes any sense. I don’t want any undue stress for anyone. The best (not perfect) first date is a twenty-minute chat over coffee, or a beer. I figure you can at least tell after twenty minutes whether or not you can stand this person enough for a second “date.”

Plus, dating is all very taxing on my already vulnerable and anxious psyche. Which is why I thought that if anyone could bring me back down to reality for a giant communal sigh of relief, it would be my munchkin of a niece.

Sitting a toddler down for an interview was surprisingly easier than I thought. Sure, I had to first coherce her into reading a book with me, and then when she saw her blocks she wanted to play with her blocks instead. But I made a deal with her that if she helped me play a game first, we could play blocks afterwards.

She agreed.

I started with just some really general questions. TEST QUESTIONS.

IS YOUR NAME NORA? (Yes)

HAVE YOU CLIMBED MT. EVEREST? (No)

Then, and the reason we’re all here, I showed her four pictures of four women, but I said girls, because she’s a little girl and I thought that would be more relatable, heh?

I wanted this to be somewhat official so I realized that I needed a “control” picture in the experiment, somebody that I had no connection with or had any chance of dating.

So the fourth woman was Hillary Clinton, because I clearly haven’t had coffee with Hillary Clinton, nor have we been texting each other.

(Haven’t we?)

I simply showed my niece each photo, asked her which photo did she like the best, and what she thought was the most important quality to look for in a woman — brains or beauty?

She was honest. Which I appreciated. She is, after all, just looking out for my best interest.