I carry many wounds. Some healed, some not. Some visible, some hidden deep inside. These wounds never troubled me. Nor do the scars they left behind. I had made my peace with life. We had a simple agreement — I won’t expect happiness, Life won’t disappoint me. I learned to choose the numbness, even when a sliver of happiness glimmered its way through the cracks that time left in its wake. I chose to clip my wings. It is always easier to pretend that you don’t want to fly when you are so afraid of falling down. And then, I forgot that there might be another way.
So I carried my scars. Not hiding from the world, but keeping my distance. Holding on to the various pieces of myself, I locked myself away and threw away the keys. But she didn’t care about the walls I built to hold myself together. She crashed through and burned the whole house down. Unapologetic, full of righteous anger and determination. Not that she didn’t have her own scars or her soul hadn’t been broken before. I wanted to tell her that her scars made her beautiful, that if she let me, I could give her the soothing calm she craved. She wanted to show me that it’s okay to give but I need to learn to take again.
I was so caught up in the maze of my own self-loathing and self-pity, refusing to believe that I might deserve the love I was willing to give to others, I let her slip away too. Acutely aware of choosing pain, yet again. Of turning my back to life when it offered an olive branch. You see, for all the scars I had learned to accept, I would never be free of them. They would wait lurking behind the shadows. They were a part of me and they made me this way.
As I was busy pushing her away, l never saw her coming. Just like I wasn’t the one to be free of the past I carry, she wasn’t the one to give up. The tight embrace with which she held me caught me by surprise. And not just me, but all the burdens I forced upon myself were caught unawares too. In the warmth of her touch, I could feel everything being burned away. All the murky corners being brought to light. I could feel myself reborn. I could feel her magic bring back the wings I tore away. Free to be myself again. Free to fly again.
