I Don’t Give a Fudge
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” was voted the #1 movie line of all time by the American Film Institute — made famous by the 1939 film Gone With the Wind. Wikipedia tells us that male protagonist Rhett delivers this line to Scarlett, because “after more than a decade of fruitlessly seeking her love…he no longer cares what happens to her.”
It’s a powerful line — succinct and bold, with a seamless fusion of endearment and blunt rejection. There’s just something about it that satisfies the ego.
Fast forward 75 years — “I don’t give a f — ” probably ranks among the most commonly uttered phrases by our generation’s youth. It expresses the toughness, rebelliousness, and self-confidence that we have (or at least want to have) in 5 short words. In a media-governed society that connects us to more and more people, ideas, news, trends (that we could, but don’t really, care about), the ‘IDGAF’ mentality is borne almost out of necessity rather than choice.
Beyond the surface, what does all this mean? What’s this secret sauce to “giving less f*cks?” At 22 years old, I have barely discovered the recipe…but I am closer than ever before.
Simplify Decisions
…And control your emotional reactions to decisions that are insignificant in the long run.
Five minutes ago, I caught myself annoyed at the fact that my Mom brought home two types of yogurt, but not my preferred Greek yogurt…
Chances are that many of you have lived in a world in which you’ve had more choices than you need. Our psyche is a product of that world — we instinctively feel unsatisfied when our phone dies and we don’t have the charger, when the bus runs 2 minutes late, when wi-fi at a cafe doesn’t work, and in my case, when just the right type of yogurt isn’t brought home by my mother for my spoiled, bratty ass…
Barry Schwartz delivers an interesting TED Talk on the topic of the paradox of choice. He talks about the seemingly decreasing returns from an increasing number of choices — “opportunity costs subtract from the satisfaction we get out of what we choose, even when what we choose is terrific.” I highly recommend watching it.
Challenge #1 — Today, catch every time you have a negative emotional reaction (anger, annoyance, dissatisfaction, disappointment) to an event. Is that event related to the core elements in your life? (Family? Friends? Community? Health? Achievement? If it is not, then it is not worth a second thought. Yogurt is a luxury — don’t sweat it if it isn’t Greek.
Isn’t it Rude to Not Give a F — ?
Emotional independence and friendliness are not mutually exclusive. Relationship-building, for social or professional purposes, does not require giving up a part of yourself. The formula could be simple:
- Focus on what you have in common with another
- Relinquish the need to justify your choices to others
Dale Carnegie emphasizes focusing on common points and avoiding differences when beginning a relationship (not to be confused with superficial people-pleasing). Look to find common ground with others without changing who you are. With some people, you may only share the same favorite color and that’s it…with others, the same worldview. Regardless, you’ll be able to establish a foundation to build off of.
I used to get into futile arguments when I would try to explain my decisions to others in order to make myself feel good about them. What I did not realize, is that each person is a product of his/her own environment. Others may have sound reasons for questioning your decisions, but that does not oblige you to justify or convince them of your views. Respect their opinion, but trust your own.
Once you exterminate the need to justify your choices to other people, that’s when you stop giving a fuck.
Challenge #2 — Next time you are in an argument — catch yourself if you are justifying your choices to another. Simply agree to disagree, so that you can move on and shift the conversation to a common ground.
“Haters”
No, this is not an obscure reference to a rap song. In my experience, I’ve noticed two types of haters:
- The jealous type: they want to be like them but do not want to admit that and improve, so as to retain their pride.
- The stagnant type: this includes me, particularly when I was younger. My friends and I would deride others at almost every chance we’d get. We were not always jealous of people, but berating their choices and accomplishments sure helped conceal holes in our own lifestyle. It made us feel OK that our lives were comfortably stagnant.
Challenge #3 — When you find yourself making derisive comments about someone, ask yourself — “which type of hater am I?” The first step towards rectification is awareness.
The Armor of Self-Confidence
My employer provides flights to its different office locations. I sometimes complain about the discomfort of flying and how early I have to wake up (I really need to practice Challenge #1). As I walked with two coworkers to the plane, I held my leopard-print neck pillow in my hand (the flight is only 30 minutes…but those 30 minutes are best with a neck pillow). My coworker made a remark about the ridiculous appearance of the leopard print. Before I even had a chance to respond, the other coworker chimed in — “I honestly don’t think he cares.”
Wow! That is the best, albeit unintended, compliment that I have ever gotten. To a kid who grew up conforming to new places and people, ‘not caring’ about opinions is a new and awesome feeling. People fire darts at us every day — how can we strengthen our armor?
- Cherish the present: Accept the person you have become today, thanks to the unique experiences that you’ve had.
- Build the future: Morph into the dream version of yourself — the person you’ve always wanted to be. Conduct a self-analysis — ‘where are the gaps between who I am today, and who I want to be?’ Inquire into people who have already honed the tricks that you want to learn and imitate the behaviors that enabled them to do so.
It’s a two-pronged approach that facilitates internal and external personal growth through realization of existing strengths, and addition of new ones. If you’re doing these two things, then you will become an amazing person. And if you’re an amazing person, why should you worry if people try to bring you down?
Challenge #4 — Make a list of accomplishments and traits you’re proud of — this is your armor. When life fires darts, and you have built your armor, you will not feel them.
Following a standard writing format, I planned on including a short conclusion at the end of this post. But frankly, I don’t give a damn. I think that I have already made my key points. I hope that you enjoyed the read!
