I Gave You A Star, And You Broke My F*cking Heart

Once upon a time, Jennifer Bergnik loved her boyfriend very dearly. He was fine. She was better than him, but did not recognize it as so (although, even from a Grobtharian Helbeast point-of-view, she absolutely was, of course).

But Jennifer would do anything for him.

She would race to the top of the mountain on a foggy morning to photograph the sun rising through the clouds to send him a br. She would write him beautiful letters every three days (every two days would be seen as too “needy”) to let him know how beautiful of a person he was in her eyes. She would even hide her reactions when he passed gas a mere eleven inches from her when they would sit across from each other on the couch reading differing books. She liked thought-provoking science fiction. He preferred Tony Robbins.

But to be perfectly clear, they did love each other.

It is also true, that Jennifer’s boyfriend was a heavenly-looking creature. One that could be mistaken for Narcissus himself. However, as Narcissus was not all that intelligent, so was Jennifer’s boyfriend. Nor interesting, for that matter (please excuse the author’s slight disdain). In fact, it’s possible he was a long lost descendant of the famed beauty (this remains unconfirmed, due to the fact that Narcissus would have had to be *ahem* milked by the pool of his doom).

Conversely, intercourse between Jennifer and her boyfriend was objectively mediocre. Despite the fact that they were both beautiful beings, Jennifer’s boyfriend did not know how to utilize his gluteus maximus in a pleasurable way. Jennifer therefore had to overcompensate with her own gyrations.

The sexual act itself resembled that of two spiders trying to discover where their genitalia would manifest outside of their exoskeletons (which the author will admit, he is not familiar with), and while in the midst of the act, whether their partner would eat them immediately after “completion.” If either of them actually could “complete.”

Oral sex was better for the couple, but not by much. Jennifer’s boyfriend was a terrible kisser.

Jennifer had a series of terrible kissers in her life. But even worse boyfriends. She had never experienced true love.

Which is a sad, sad thing.

Jennifer’s boyfriend meanwhile, had experienced true love before, but that had gone away, and he didn’t care to repeat it, for better or worse. This was simply another relationship to try.

But again, in his odd way, he did care for Jennifer deeply. And he would do anything for her.

Which made it all the more surprising when he broke her heart.

Jennifer had decided that for her beloved’s birthday, she would buy him a star. For the ripe, cheap price of $100 (stars were very inexpensive at that time). Jennifer purchased a meager white dwarf in the Alpha Epsilon system. She figured her boyfriend had never had a star bought for him, despite his litany of previous relationships. She was not incorrect. It was the most generous gesture anyone had ever done for him…

But that’s not what registered in his mouse wheel of a brain (it was a small wheel). Instead, all he saw, was the following:

“Dear _______________, we hereby bequeath you ownership of the star christened, ‘MY HEART-5.’ All rites and privileges are now yours to be used as you see fit.”-NASA

…

He took one look at this, and his face dropped.

He wanted a new leather jacket.

Jennifer’s heart broke in a million pieces as he stuttered through a half-hearted ‘thanks.’

He was not a bad person. His expectations were just very different from Jennifer’s.

Although, even from a Grobtharian point of view, he would’ve seemed to be a not quite ‘good’ person (this is saying something, as the Grobtharians deem ‘good’ to encompass eating their young in hopes of keeping their species “pure”).

Jennifer’s boyfriend broke up with her two weeks later in a long-winded letter (the only one he had ever written her).

She read it in the driver’s seat of her parked 2001 Hyundai Elantra station wagon that resembled a hearse at the end of her workday.

She had hoped that he would move in with her within the next two weeks.

It was raining, of course.

Five years later, when the world ran out of fossil fuels, nuclear energy, etc., etc., and had to resort to draining the essences of surrounding stars to maintain the Earth, ‘MY HEART-5’ became the last remaining star available. When the US Government looked up the ownership of the star, the name had been filled in as such…

‘JENNIFER BERGNIK, regretfully.’

Now, the dear reader may be thinking to yourself: “Oh wow, why doesn’t the US Government just suck the juices from the star and call it a day?”

Well, dear reader, per the Grobtharian Accord of 2023, any purchase of planets, stars, meteors, satellites, etc., etc., are binding. If any property is forcibly taken, said system is deemed immediately terminable. It was an act deemed less than ‘good.’

And Jennifer Bergnik had never given ‘MY HEART-5’ to anyone ever again.

The US Government would not allow the future of the human race to be fettered by the whims of one person. So they sucked every last remaining resource from ‘MY HEART-5.’

This caused the destruction of the world. By the Grobtharians, no less.

Grobtharians do not tolerate ‘bad.’ Possibly because one of their heads is less desirable than the others. But that’s a debate for a different time.

After the destruction of Earth, per the “generosity” of the Grobtharians, Jennifer and her boyfriend were kept alive on separate asteroids to call their own (as ownership of MY HEART-5 was deemed to be slightly split between the two).

It was a long, boring, intergalactic court case. Many lives were lost.

Thus, Jennifer and her boyfriend became the last remaining human beings in the galaxy. They were each granted their own asteroid no bigger than half their respective body sizes (which had to be ridden cross-legged), and they always maintained at least five-hundred miles distance from each other.

That was Jennifer’s decision.

She no longer loved him.