I Have Still Not Grown Up
Flash fiction
What does it mean to grow up?
It was late at night and he had had a punishing day. But regardless of how tired he was, he made it a point to scribble in his diary every night before he hit the bed.
Have I grown up? If so, when did I grow up? What is that point at which one can said to have grown up? In one sense, I grew up long ago. I grew up when I acquired a level of “maturity”, or in other words, when I began to understand that the world was much more than what met the eye. That happened in my twenties. I was seen as a mature, responsible individual who understood that his perspective on life was simply one of many.
In that sense, I had grown up.
Yet it never occured to me then what occurs to me now, that a good part of growing up is making peace with your fate; that to grow up is to let some dreams lie unfulfilled. Some or perhaps all.
I had many dreams as a child. They were like balloons to me floating upwards into the sky. Back then, with time and youth on my side, I could watch and admire them, content in the knowledge that there was enough time to fulfill all of them. But before I knew it my youth was behind me, drained away in the endless struggle to accumulate more than I had. Not that I regret it. Indeed, I was a prisoner of my worldly ambitions, but it was a comfortable prison to be in nevertheless.
Over the previous decades I have watched, with great anguish, my balloons of dreams punctured one by one. I have watched them fall limp on the ground, picked out ruthlessly by fate. I could scarcely achieve anything I had dreamt for myself. I chose to be led by circumstances instead of striding forth with the force of my will.
There is, however, that one balloon which still floats in the sky. That final ambition which age has not yet defeated. That irrepresible urge to do something, anything, worthy of admiration. The firmest of all my desires, the hidden motive behind all that I’ve wanted, has been to become an object of admiration.
In that sense, I have still not grown up.
