I’m Going To F*ck That Homo Sapien In His Cage

The human race is dead. Long live the human race.

All that remains of that destroyed world, is an average-looking homo sapien kept in captivity on a spaceship governed by a race of six-limbed aliens that closely resemble giant praying mantises, known as the Opillians.

The homo sapien’s name is Ted. He is handsome-enough, with freckles and a slight beer belly. And he lives in the zoo portion of the spaceship in a 453-foot electrified cage without cable television. But he does have a pair of child-sized Voltron underwear that cause him much discomfort.

Ted’s habitat consists of what remained of the planet Earth — a port-o-potty from the backwoods of Texas, his pet cockroach (Ted, Jr.), a large supply of Twinkies, a record of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing’ (a record player was recovered, albeit in terrible condition), the head of a G.I. Joe doll, half of a tooth brush, and two Pall Mall cigarettes.

Ted was under supervision by Natalina, the zookeeper (or what her name can be translated in homo sapien American English).

Natalina is a very lonely Opillian. And she has never had sexual intercourse.

After monitoring all of the species kept in the zoo, she returns every evening to her small quarters a few decks below the zoo.

She has nothing of interest.

The only un-mated being among her species, Natalina’s job is to observe and care for the animals in the zoo (the oligarchical government of the ship believed having an un-mated citizen watch the habitats would lessen her loneliness).

They were wrong.

Natalina did not like her job.

Most of the species lacked the ability to communicate verbally. And when they attempted to communicate with her telepathically — her native language — it came out as base-level demands via images.

“Shit.” “Eat.” “Fuck.” And “please kill me,” were the most popular telepathic images.

But Natalina had never made communication with Ted (the reason of which cannot be explained in the written word).

That was until the morning after the first time she had ever failed to orgasm during masturbation.

So there she was, sexually frustrated, placing refined protein pelts into Ted’s feeder as he sat quietly in his ripped, children’s Voltron underwear in the corner…when he spoke his first words to her —

“Thanks.”

Natalina startled at the sound of the ape-like creature’s verbalization.

She had no idea what he had said, but she did recognize that they were ‘noises.’ Something like she supposed a ‘bark’ sounded like from a canine animal found on Ted’s deceased planet.

A picture of a dog had once been recovered by the Opillians, but someone had misplaced it.

Thus goes the only remaining reference to dogs in the history of time. Somebody fucking “lost” it.

Natalina beckoned Ted to telepathically link with her — she sent an image of indescribable words floating through the air to him…

He accidentally sent back an image of him shitting on the floor of his cage (it was an inopportune moment in his digestive cycle).

Natalina reared back — appalled!

Ted threw his hands up in protest and apology — again, muttering some kind of nonsense through his mouth Natalina didn’t understand.

But then…

Something flooded Ted’s thought processes…

He wanted to fuck.

Natalina’s pitch black, beautiful, oval eyes went wide…

And she wondered what his genitals looked like.

Natalina scurried off blushing (a lovely shade of green comparative to her violet exterior, I might add).

Natalina went about the rest of her rounds, but all she could think about…

Was that she wanted to fuck as well.

Natalina went home that night and dreamt abstractly of how she would fuck Ted— in her species, each male was equipped two sets of genitalia resembling flowers, and the act itself was said to cause minor explosions, not unlike mini-supernovas.

She was able to orgasm this time.

Natalina started her day on a very good foot. Her front leftmost.

She shared images with Ted of the beauty of her homeworld. How on her homeworld of Opillion, she was able to fly. She was able to bask in the soft glow of the three suns, and that her violet complexion would glow to a lovely shade of deep purple in the sun. And that she used to stargaze at night on the upper tiers of her peoples’ architecture built entirely of giant, luscious, green leaves.

She missed her family.

They had died when the Opillian homeworld had been destroyed by an intergalactic swarm of giant aphids, forcing her people had to flee to the stars.

Ted did not know what to make of this, except for offering up his own rendition of Earth via telepathic memories.

Namely, New York Rangers games with his family as a child, drinking Rolling Rock at the local bar, comic book conventions…and fucking women of his own species.

At first Natalina was distraught…but due to her sexual curiosity, she was only mildly dismissive of the last point, if not tickled by intrigue…

She then asked if he would like his children’s Voltron underwear cleaned.

He agreed. And stripped in front of her.

She was mildly disheartened to find he only possessed a mushroom-shaped sexual tool with two, lowly, flesh sacks.

There would be no mini-supernovas if they were ever to have sexual relations.

At least, her curiosity was satiated.

The tenuous relationship between Natalina and Ted would continue on for some time. Each sharing bits and pieces of memories never before shown to another. The most intimate of experiences across the six dimensions.

Ted eventually got his Voltron underwear back.

Natalina and Ted shared dreams. They shared fantasies. They shared feelings.

And Natalina introduced Ted to the fact that despite there being six dimensions…love transcended all of them. Every emotional drop in one dimension, would create an emotional ripple across the other five, which transcended death and life across time and space.

And Natalina loved Ted.

But one thing became abundantly clear over the course of their time together…

Ted loved the feline-looking Canicornous semi-humanoid in the exhibit next to his. He did not love Natalina — at least in the way that Natalina desired.

While Natalina so very much wanted Ted to put his mushroom-shaped sex utensil in her reproductive parts (found in her cranium, behind the incisors), Ted had no desire to do so.

And oh — Natalina did drop hints.

When they would mind link, she would imagine the act taking place.

Ted mistook these images as a torturous act that if he did not cooperate in their chats, she would subject him to.

He would much rather fuck the humanoid creature adjacent to him. Despite the fact that he would often ponder the moral ambiguity of fucking a giant house cat.

One night, while Ted slept, Natalina took drastic measures. She released the Canicornous from her cage —

And sure enough, the entire museum went up in alarm — and the Opillian authorities took the Canicornous away to be…put down.

This caused a moment of confusion among the Opillians. Why would one of our own help such a lowly, base-level cat creature?

The Opillians deduced that due to Natalina’s un-mated state…that she must have developed (Six-Demensional Gods forbid) romantic feelings for this cat.

The in-inhumanity!

Thereby — Natalina’s punishment…was observation.

She was placed in the Canicornous former exhibit adjacent to Ted’s so that she may be studied by her own people.

And there they were, Natalina and Ted. Just the way she wanted.

It should therein be noted, that Natalina and Ted did have sex in between the electrified bars while Ted played the skipping record of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing.’

And the record kept repeating the same line, over and over —

“Sexual healing is good for me. It’s good for me.”

The sex was mediocre at best.

Post-coitus, when Ted and Natalina shared Ted’s only two cigarettes — as is the custom she gleaned from Ted’s former planet, for celebrating being truly in love…

But the chemicals in the Pall Mall caused Natalina’s lungs to explode.

And Natalina died.

Eventually, Ted accidentally stepped on his pet cockroach, Ted Jr.

Ted did not have sex for the rest of his natural life.