Insouciance
The art of having a lighthearted unconcern…
We care and we care and we care….
I don’t drink. I have no appetite whatsoever for fancy pretentious continental cuisine. I hate loud music. But, most importantly, I lost my job! Should I tell my friends I have been eating cornflakes for breakfast and skipping lunches, in order to save money? Or suggest discreetly to maybe just pool in our money and organize a house party? Oh hell, it is New Year’s Eve. They want to party in a club. Might as well pay the cover charge, skip the cornflakes for a month.
I am sitting in the back of my roommates’ car while he is dropping his father to the airport. Their conversation is filled with full-brimmed enthusiasm and unabashed laughter. Before departing, the father envelops his son in a warm embrace and bids farewell. Has my father ever hugged me? Is it too late to start now?
We care and we care and we care….
We sit in complete silence on the couch. Watching TV. It all seems normal to me, since there is nothing to talk, really. Yet, this silence is different; deliberate. Is she mad at me? Was it our anniversary today? Is she offended because I casually complimented her friend? Oh god, what is she thinking?!
I saw a lone grey hair on the comb today…does it really belong to me? It looks foreign, yet my ownership is stamped all over it. Maybe this is the subtle explanation as to why I have started taking the elevator so often — I’m aging.
We care and we care and we care….
A year gone. And it feels like I have already lived an eternity. My life feels weary without him; emotionally as well as physically. It’s due tomorrow. Will I be able to carry the responsibilities as he would have done? she wondered, caressing her pregnant belly.
I could feel his eyes on my bare legs. A shady guy was standing at the other end of the bus stop. Finally, the bus comes. Both of us board the bus. He gets a seat while I have to stand a few feet away from him. ‘Oh God, I feel as if I’m on display…..’ I say to myself, as I catch him staring at my legs again. I try to remove myself from his line of vision, but the bus is too crowded. Should I say something? Well, he will just deny it, wouldn’t he? Just five minutes more……Twenty minutes later, I finally reach home, kick off my heels and say, “I’m never wearing skirts again.”
We care and we care and we care….
She refuses to open the door. I can hear her muffled sobs, while she is crying under her blanket. I stand doggedly outside her room, until my husband guides me downstairs. “She’ll be fine by tomorrow morning,” he says. I reply, “This is the third time I have missed her dance show. Should I just quit my job?”
My mind registers the skull cap over his head. His name is Shiraz. I am ready to give you an advance deposit if you want, he says. “I’m sorry, but we prefer to let the room to families only.” I reply meekly and close the door. A week later, a Brahmin bachelor moves into the extra room.
We care and we care and we care….while the dog and the beggar sleep peacefully on the streets.
Complete insouciance.