Just the Q-Tip

If you look at a package of Q-tips, it clearly states, “Do not insert swab into ear canal.”

I’m here to tell you that whoever wrote that is a moron.

Have you ever had a really bad ear itch and finally found a Q-tip? Inserting that swab into my ear canal feels like depositing a fat check into my bank account. It’s incredible.

You know when you’re petting a dog and you find that perfect spot and it’s leg starts shaking? It’s like that, but better.

My wife says I make this weird face while I’m digging a Q-tip around in there. Like an “O” face.

Perhaps that’s because inserting a Q-tip in my ear is the closest I’ll ever get to knowing what sex must feel like for a woman.

It’s the only feeling I can think of where a foreign object invades my body and I thoroughly enjoy it.

I did some Googling. Dr. Peter Svider from Wayne State University says, “The way the cotton swab is designed — it’s really not a good tool for removing wax,” Svider explains. “You tend to push more in than you pull out. Swab incidents are really a common clinical thing we see.”

Well, Dr. Svider, then how do you explain how Q-tipping my ear feels like an angel hugged me from the inside?

One time I went to the doctor for what I thought was an ear infection. He asked me if I use cotton swabs in my ears.

“You mean Q tips?” I replied. “Why yes, yes I do. Big fan.”

He smirked as if to say, “of course you do, dumbass.”

I had no idea that I had literally Q-tipped my way to a doctor’s office. He told me to lay off of it, and that it does more harm than good. I told him I’d stay clean, and had learned my lesson.

I gave it up for like a week — until I went to the beach. I got some sand in my ear, and there was really only one option…

I fell off the wagon, and haven’t gotten back on it since.

Comedian/writer with a book of funny short stories coming this January. Read a free chapter here.