Quote of the Day: “Sometimes I look in a mirror and ask myself: Am I really scared of passing away? If it’s today, I hope I hear a / Cry out from heaven so loud it can water down a demon/ With the holy ghost ‘til it drown in the blood of Jesus.” –Kendrick Lamar, Musician

Today I feel like being insightful, hence the quote I chose for today. It comes from Kendrick Lamar’s twelve-minute song “Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst.” Every time I listen to the song my brain almost explodes from the lyricism and underlying meanings of the song. It shows me the struggles that some people have to live with in this world. It also shows me the demons that haunt people everyday. It also shows me that some people live in “la la land” for their whole lives and overlook the real problems of society in daily life.

Depression is an overused term today. Some sixth grade girl has probably once said, “I’m so depressed I couldn’t see Austin Mahone in concert this weekend. Instead I have to go to my stupid cousin Billy’s birthday. And Billy is a virgin and he’s already 14. He’s a loser.” (Well maybe besides the virgin part.) Or maybe you’ve heard this: “I can’t believe they ran out of my favorite color of Tory Burch handbags. I’m so depressed.” No, what that is called is ignorance. Depression is something to be taken seriously. See that quote I posted at the top of the page? That is the line of a man who battles with depression (and yes Kendrick Lamar has revealed his problems of overcoming depression).

Now I am not going to say I suffer from depression. I know that just throwing the term of “depressed” around is ignorant and the word is deeper than just being sad or negative all the time. Depression is much deeper than just sadness. I am not going to act like I know anything about it either, but I assume that when one is depressed they lose all sense of hope. That’s the difference with me. I have hope that my dreams will come true and all will be okay.

Some days I literally sit inside my house for hours and hours (yet somehow I still keep a slim and sexy physique…) and think. I don’t talk to myself and I don’t even listen to music. I just think. And I believe more people need to just take time and think about life. Many days, actually for almost a year now, I can truthfully say I haven’t had one day where I’m 100 percent happy. It may seem like I am, but on the inside I’m hiding “demons” or as I call them “stresses.” I’m good at acting and can easily hide my true emotions. Then the rest of society, (always exceptions of course), living in their fantasyland, can never see through the façade. All they think about is buying fake ID’s, getting into the club, tinting their car windows, going to their part-time job, finding where the weekend parties are going to be at and gossiping.

I don’t expect them to think any differently. I don’t expect people my age to live with the same “demons” as me or have the same worries as me. And I don’t want them to have to deal with such darkness in their lives. But then don’t question how Robin Williams could commit suicide when he was always “a happy man.” Yes, he appeared happy. But the problem with being a humorous person all the time is that people only want to see you when you’re happy. They don’t care about the other side. It’s easy to like the funny guy, but it’s not easy to like the funny guys’ problems. So he (or she (I am using “guy” colloquially and informally but it definitely could represent a male or female…and here goes that stupid double parenthesis again)) hides what is inside and no one ever knows the true demons haunting him or her. Nobody ever sees the real pain of what’s inside. And that is why I cringe when people say, “But Robin Williams was such a happy man. How could this happen?”

I guess when my Mom passed away all the demons were unleashed. And slowly, I only get happiness out of making other people laugh. The happiness dried up inside of me. And I know only two ways it will be replenished. Achieving my career goal of being a comedic talk show host and making people all around the world smile, or by getting a girlfriend. Going to parties won’t make me happy. Drinking socially won’t make me happy. Drugs won’t make me happy. Even hanging out with friends won’t reverse the sadness permanently (only temporarily).

People often tell me, “you don’t need a girlfriend to make you happy…there’s always porn.” (Ahhh there’s my weird comical side coming out again!) No, but people tell me that I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy and I cringe because I don’t want one for the same reasons as every single male of society. Yes, I LIKE girls and yes certain ones turn me on (cough cough Rita Ora) but really I need that special someone who loves me for who I am and someone who I can spill all my “demons” and stresses out on. Someone who doesn’t just want to see me when I’m happy, but wants to know the daily pains I go through. Someone who makes me a better person.

I don’t want or expect my friends or family to do that job. I love my friends and family because I can have a fun, relaxed time with them and just laugh off the “petty stresses” of everyday life, but I need someone full-time who I am comfortable with to release the “deep and dark stresses” on. And I want to be able to do the same for her.

After listening to Kendrick’s song I felt like writing something a bit more personal. Yes, there are days where I want to joke around and write about sexual innuendos, but not today. His song made me think hard about my life and put everything into a better perspective. And not to sound insincere, but I don’t need friends or anyone I’m close with to text or say “I didn’t know you felt like this. I’m here for you.” I’ve heard that many times now. Sometimes this website is just for me to reflect and share in hopes to help out other people going through similar situations. The best thing to do is read this, internalize what I said and just sleep on it. An even better thing to do would just be to take per say ten minutes out of your day and think. Something as small as ten minutes will do wonders. And share this with friends or loved ones who are feeling the same way. I want to write to inspire, or to make people smile. If neither of those things happen then I’ve failed.

By the way, today my Dad, Sister and I went to Niagara Falls to celebrate my Parents’ Anniversary and we ate dinner in the revolving restaurant at the top of the Skylon Tower. It was a really nice time. The reason I wrote that is so when I look back on these daily posts I can remember the journey I took to get where I want to be. Happy Anniversary.

Sadness is a part of everyday life, but not letting it control you and using that energy to do greatness is what’s most important. And that’s a beautiful thing, to me.

“Just promise me you’ll tell this story when you make it big/ And if I die before your album drop, I hope [gunshots].”

“And I’m exhausted, but *stop* that ‘Sorry for your loss’ *stuff* / My sister died in vain, but what point are you trying to gain…And if you have a album date, just make sure I’m not in the song/ Cause I don’t need the attention bring enough of that on my own.”

-Two significant quotes to me in Kendrick Lamar’s “Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst.”

P.S. Jessica Alba please call me!

Song of the Day: Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst by Kendrick Lamar

Album: good kid, m.A.A.d. city

I wish there was an official music video for the song, but I hope you can listen and read the lyrics and gain something from the music. Here is a link for the interpretation of the lyrics:

http://genius.com/Kendrick-lamar-sing-about-me-im-dying-of-thirst-lyrics