Making things look easy…
I’ve been writing this blog about my autistic journey for a few months now and I’ve always tried to have a theme of positivity, advocating and championing the strengths of autistic individuals rather than dwelling on the challenges, fighting for neurodiversity — ‘different not less’, in order to inspire others. I also concentrate on giving information in order to educate individuals and I try to talk about my experience, but trying to ensure there is always a positive message in there somewhere.
But this week, I had a bit of a realisation — it can’t always be like that and sometimes it is important to show the other side of autism…
I recently wrote a piece on autistic strengths in the workplace and followed with a rare (for me) piece on Autistic loneliness, alienation and what I was feeling as I experienced this. There was no positive message, just raw emotion and I felt very vulnerable posting this. I was touched by some of the comments I received — those who said ‘Me too’, one person who told me it helped them to squelch some of their own dark thoughts as they realised they were not a ‘freak’ and another who told me I couldn’t be positive all of the time and that was authentic, valid and real (thank you to that person!).
I have also been reading a number of other blogs from autistic women and I have connected very deeply with their posts and realised how valid that has made me feel. I’ve enclosed some links at the end of this article. This morning I read one on suicidal ideation that touched me greatly as I realised the feelings of unimportance, being invisible and insignificant and feeling no one would notice if I weren’t there were all part of those same dark thoughts.
Finally, I had a conversation earlier in the week that suggested my talking about autism may be an excuse for what I cannot do. This disappointed me because anyone who knows me knows I approach life head on and look or find ways to tackle scenarios rather than avoid them. It was suggested I shouldn’t draw attention to the negative parts of my life as the expectation is all about success.
I realised in some way I often perpetuated this because I am so working on strengths and there are times I (and others around me) do need to accept the difficulties.
I realise I spend a lot of my time — too much of my time attempting to make things look easy.
It’s probably a pride thing, I don’t want to appear not ‘normal’ or somehow deficient in any way, because with that brings too many negative comments. With negative comments comes judgments and with judgments comes low self esteem and perceived failure at being a ‘good’ adequate person.
So I work hard at being ‘normal’, focussing hard on what others can do, trying to emulate, so I don’t stand out from the crowd and if I do inadvertently slip up, I try to find a way to divert attention or simply hide for a while until I hope people forget.
But this isn’t healthy — this is how poor self esteem and self worth starts because you constantly berate yourself for the failures at being ‘normal’ and there is nothing more costly than low self esteem or self worth.
I’ve grown up like this, being told as a young child the things I couldn’t do or the things I did wrong, these are just a few:
- I didn’t speak to people
- I screamed at people
- I didn’t mix
- I couldn’t play sport
then as I grew older:
- I was difficult
- I was too rigid in my views
- I was too opinionated
and finally as I became an adult:
- Why did I need to have a sleep in the middle of the day at weekends, I had no stamina
- I talk too much
- My husband does everything for me — because he does most of the cooking in the week and has always helped such a lot with bringing up our children
For years, family members made me feel totally inadequate and a failure as a wife and a mother, because of the help from my husband. We always saw it as sharing duties….
Women are meant to multi task and I worked full time, so I should be able to work, cook, clean, look after kids, go to the gym and heaven forbid I should feel tired or exhausted at any point.
The reality for me as I have discovered more through understanding autism:
- I work through things in a ‘serial’ way, one thing at a time, my attention is intense and focussed and what has my attention will be fulfilled in excruciating diligence and detail. What doesn’t have my focus has nothing and falls into gaps.
- Concentrating during a work week on lots of facets means by the weekend I need recuperation time. Often I take myself away, not to sleep but purely for solitude time.
- I also do not sleep well at night and therefore during the work week, I just have to stay focused in order to deliver. At the weekend, I have an opportunity to catch up. I am not lazy as has sometimes been directed at me before.
Things that others find easy, I can find hard:
- Remembering to eat or drink — I figure the best policy to lose weight would be to live on my own!
- If people put food in front of me, I will most likely eat it as the concept of hungry/ full is very difficult for me
- Remembering everyday activities can be challenging
- I am always losing things
- I forget birthdays as my family are keen to point out — actually I remember the date, that is imprinted in my brain, but I don’t know what today’s date is, so that means it goes by…
If I work full time, I need help and support with the everyday stuff as my focus is on the complex ‘work’ stuff and keeping intense focus and planning to ensure I have everything covered.
When I leave work, I need to switch off and recharge, therefore my home life can be in complete disarray.
My husband does support me, immensely and I admit it here for all to see…
- He cooks mid week — I love to cook, but only when entertaining or pre-planned, not for necessity purposes
- He plans our meals and generally does the food shopping
- He used to do most if not all of the school runs (my daughter’s are now old enough to look after themselves!)
- He remembered the children’s dinner money, paid for school trips etc
- He looks after the home finances — the irony here is I am an Accountant and CFO so very used to looking after other people’s money!!!!
- He reminds me to make phone calls, go to parent’s evenings and many other similar things that could very easily pass me by.
I used to feel completely inadequate when my family members would challenge all of the above (let’s make it clear, they are my family members not my husbands!). I felt good at my job, but a failure at life, being a wife and being a mother.
The thing is I can do all of the above, just not at the same time as working full time. It isn’t about time per se, although being a serial processor means everything does often take longer, it is about attention and what is required from me.
I am good at my job and being a problem solver and because of the help and support from my husband, I have progressed in my career.
On the face of it, things looks easy for me. The amount of times I have been told — “It’s alright for you….!” as I am made to feel inadequate about the help I get.
I have a career, because I have the support. In truth it is an either/ or. Autistic people without support may never realise full potential because they spend too much time trying to cope with everyday, “simple” things.
This is why I believe understanding is crucial. Being judgmental is harsh and does not do anyone any favours.
It’s too easy to look in on people’s lives when you aren’t living them and see a completely different picture from what is truly there. It is easy to judge, make assumptions, especially about the supposed easy ‘stuff’ and think that the complex ‘stuff’ defines the reality.
Feeling inadequate at life can be one of the most crippling experiences to endure. It is easy to see why I therefore escape into the complex, problem solving element of my work life, which for me is the easy part!
People often don’t want to listen, aren’t interested and think support is an excuse for laziness or being a victim. Support comes in many guises..for different people, at different times!
I have stopped trying to be ‘normal’ and started to understand my limitations. I know that the judgments won’t go away from some people, but it is important to stop judging myself if I am to have some feeling of worthiness in this world.
I believe it is important to share my reality and not just the positives. It doesn’t make me less of a person!
Although, I do still try to make things look easy and it is still about ‘pride’, I need that to be a decision for me to take, not coerced by a society that only believes in success!
I need to recognise my own need for self care as well as my adaptations to succeed!
Recommended blogs
Cambria’s big fat autistic blog
I hope you have enjoyed this article, please feel free to share, please press the ‘heart’ at the end to recommend to other readers so it appears in their feeds and follow me on Twitter or here on Medium — @Autaitchel
