Morning thoughts of a mentally-ambitious but in-actuality-underachieving 26 year old
Alternate title: Phone neurosis, non-cardio, and Chinese food before 10AM
Alternate alternate title: Does John Mayer want to fuck me?
MAY 10, 2016 | 7:45AM PST
Why does it smell like sugary milk in here?
Oh, I guess I should bring that bowl downstairs.
Get out of bed right now and go for a run.
Wait where’s my phone?
Why do I get Seth Godin’s emails at 3AM? That’s basically a bootycall.
Is Seth Godin married?
Oh crap — I should apologize for falling asleep in the middle of texting Jason last night.
Nah, he should be used to it.
WHY DO PEOPLE SEND THE SAME SNAPCHATS THAT THEY PUT IN THEIR STORIES?
Definitely don’t open that story — he’ll see I saw it.
If I get out of bed now, I’ll have exactly enough time to run 3 miles, shower, pack my lunch, and bike to work. Maybe I can get there a little early.
Shit, I have to cancel those plans tonight with Brian — I should get that out of the way now.
How do I say “Sorry for being a flake” but also make it clear that I don’t want to reschedule, but also not take all of the blame for our overarching incompatibility, but also not close the door entirely because he is really hot?
Yeah, that sounds good. Send.
That was easy!
Why am I so good at emotional deflection?
If I get out of bed now, I’ll have exactly enough time to run 2.5 miles, shower, pack my lunch, and bike to work. I don’t actually need to get there early.
I should probably wait to see if he replies before I go for a run, though.
Oh yeah, I wanted to post that thing on Instagram.
Hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag.
Whoa! He’s quick!
Oh — just Jason — knew he wouldn’t care about my sporadic hypersomnia.
I should check my Medium notifications.
Well that didn’t take long.
I really need to blog more.
Maybe I should be a morning blogger.
For real. Every morning I should run and post a blog.
Then I could write one of those “I did XYZ for ## days and look how fucking awesome I am” posts.
A jog and a blog.
Jog & Blog!
I feel more productive and fit just thinking about that!
If I get out of bed now, I’ll have exactly enough time to run 2 miles, shower, and bike to work — and I can just make lunch with stuff I scavenge in the break room.
No day but today!
I’ll see Brian’s response when I get back.
Maybe I should change my sheets.
Yeah I should definitely put some laundry in before I run.
Oh wait. That’s Brian.
Why does he always pry?! See. This would never work.
Respond, but don’t get trapped.
But wait…should I really cut it off with him?
OMG WHAT ARE YOU SAYING THERE ARE OTHER HOT GUYS OUT THERE YOU’RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
Okay there’s no way he can argue with that. Send.
I seriously need to stop meeting guys on Tinder.
Swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe.
AH! How is it 8:30?!
If I get out of bed now I’ll have enough time to run 1 mile, shower, and bike to work. 1 mile is better than no miles, right?
I wonder why my pic hasn’t gone viral yet.
Refresh refresh refresh re-hashtag re-hashtag.
Is Brian mad? He can’t be mad. Oh well.
Is that Alanna getting up?
Fuck — if she gets in the bathroom before I do I’ll be late for work.
I’ll just run after work.
LOL is “Perfectly Lonely” really the first song that’s going to play while I’m in the shower?!
I love when Pandora aligns with the universe.
I hate when people think that things align with the universe.
Does that mean I hate myself?
I should really listen to the lyrics of this song.
I should really find a man like John Mayer.
Brian is more attractive than John Mayer.
Would John Mayer even date me?
Would I be the fattest girl John Mayer has ever fucked?
He did date Taylor Swift.
Everyone is fat compared to Taylor Swift.
I should have went on that run.
Did John Mayer and Taylor Swift fuck?
I wonder if Brian has texted me again.
UGH WE NEED DRAIN-O I HATE WHEN THE WATER DRAINS SLOW EW EW EW EW EW FIND HIGHER GROUND.
Don’t touch your phone until you dry your hands, you maniac.
I should just thumb down all Jack Johnson songs.
Maybe if I wear workout clothes to work I’ll be motivated to work out after work?
Work work work work work.
Am I Rihanna?
There’s Brian, again.
He’s taking this surprisingly well.
I mean, he’s passive aggressive AF, but still.
Wait. Did he really just get over me in a matter of 3 text messages?!
No — I don’t need to have the last word.
Oh glory! Leftovers.
Is it okay to eat orange chicken for breakfast?
I don’t really have time to make anything else.
I should just eat it now.
I‘ll ride my bike to work tomorrow.