3 Handy Tips to Deal with Anger — A Personal Journey
First of all, I am not a psychologist, nor pretending to know much about the complexity of human mind and feeling. And, this is certainly not meant to be a parenting column. I’d like to share a personal note about how I have made humble progress in responding — instead of, reacting — to this feeling we are all too familiar with: anger.
Yes, I still struggle often, but am fortunate enough to have seen some positive improvements by following these three simple exercises. It surely did not happen overnight, but those tiny daily and weekly wins have motivated me to keep trying: to be more aware of my own anger and to respond more positively when it presents itself.
It all started when my son almost turned 3. I found myself more frequently blanketed in anger, compared to when he was younger. After a long (or, short) day of work, I’d easily lose my patience when my son acted silly. I unreasonably justified that there should be a “right” time for being childish. And, what else but my selfish clock that decided on the timing! How embarrassing, indeed.
Although I fully understood that kids need to be silly in order to be kids and childhood is their best time to be who they purely are, on many occasions I failed to filter out anger from my response when they rightly do so i.e. being kids. That understanding only registered philosophically and intellectually, but not emotionally. I never hit my son, but unnecessary yelling had happened one too many times before. And, I couldn’t apologize enough.
Kids learn better from adults who let them… be kids. Thus, I promised myself to not let anger keep me away from getting close to my son.
With that promise, I searched for some methods or guidance on how to increase self-control over my anger. Meditation came on top of the list. Several kind and trusted friends shared that meditation would yield many (lasting) long-term benefits such as being generally more patient and mindful about your inner feelings. As a beginner in meditation, I believed that. But, I was looking for something to hold on to between now and that time when I really could reap those meditation benefits. There is that time gap — months, or years — in which I still have to deal with my temper, on a daily basis. I need a more on-the-spot solution to “what should I do when my anger strikes?” For a real present situation in which there is only a split of a second to deal with.
If you had ever been on a diet, it is comforting to know a weekly or daily well-planned menu would help you to achieve your weight loss goals. But, sometimes — or, often — what you need is how to say No to donuts, chocolate cakes, and their allies when they are in front of you. What to do when the real craving arrives? When the temptation is so real. When you don’t have time to plan. When there is almost no escape. Yet, you know you must do something. That’s what I was looking for.
In those months of searching, people were so kind to share their similar stories and struggles related to how they had tried, successfully and not so successfully, to better response to anger. I was also lucky enough to have been invited to and attended a few insightful discussions about this matter. Religious and secular. Online and offline. Throughout my search, I also found this beautiful quote by Sarah Elkins that drove me to write this story.
It can be scary to reveal the vulnerability necessary to be authentic in telling your true story.
Thus, as scary as it might be, please allow me to share what have worked for me. It’s a small return for the kindness of those before me in this discovery.
The following 3 items made it to the list at different times, mainly because each had its own time to be understood. And, it’s because of my own limitation to be able to appreciate them, slowly one at a time. One in particular, which I discovered in a lecture about an ancient text, was initially deemed too distant to be related to this context; but, its application was only to be confirmed powerful later on — many times.
1. Be angry the next day.
I am not joking. This is a simple yet powerful concept. So many times I was glad that I had postponed my anger for the next day. It had saved me from doing things that I would have regretted otherwise.
How does this idea work? It revolves around an observation that it’s actually extremely difficult to keep the same anger over a period of time. The next day on which I had agreed to resume that anger, I often found it already subsided or completely gone. No longer there, as if telling me that anger is not permanent. Nothing is. And, as if telling me that I don’t — or, cannot — own anger.
This practice also presents me one nice little bonus: positive energy. At that very moment when I am consciously telling myself not to be angry now (and let’s do it tomorrow instead), I am making a choice. Making a choice makes we feel we’re in control. And, that’s powerful.
2. Don’t lie to me, again.
Had you been lied before? Maybe when you bought your first second-hand car? Or, maybe by your not-so-faithful girlfriend or boyfriend? I certainly had and did not like the feeling.
When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time watching Donald Duck cartoon. One of my favorites is the Better Self episode where Donald struggled with his naughty version and good version of himself. The naughty version, one with a pair of tiny red horns, lied to Donald and tricked him into doing something he soon regretted.
I like to imagine that I have my own good and evil versions. Oh boy, there had been too many times I listened to the latter. He successfully — again and again — tricked me into thinking that when I am angry, I deserve to let it out and the world (or, my son) needs to know that. Or, that shouting would prevent my son from pulling his sister’s hair in the future. Or, that yelling would make me feel better. That same lie always lead me to doing something I regret later. I never felt good after that.
At that split of a second when I have to choose how to react to anger, I tell my evil version: “I remember you. Don’t lie to me, again.”
Some of my more religious friends could relate better to this by associating the less righteous version with evil spirit or bad jinn or Papima.
3. Fill your mouth with water.
When you really cannot hold it anymore, try filling your mouth with any favorite beverages available around you. The idea is to keep your mouth full of water so you don’t talk with burning anger, or yell.
And, maybe try to be silly when you are at it. Your kids would like it. :)
Yes, that’s all. The tips may not sound extraordinary, but they are extremely handy to deal with anger— at least, for me. I have practiced them for more than a year now, since my son was a little over 3. In a few months, he will turn 5; and my daughter 3. I am excited and much more confident now to handle both — hopefully gentler and with more patience.
Charles Duhigg’s excellent book, The Power of Habit, explains that to successfully get rid of a bad habit is by replacing it by a new one. The three ideas above rather align with the substitution concept in the book: instead of focusing on your anger (and succumb to it), you replace that attention with the thought of a naughty version of you (with tiny horns) trying to lie to you again or with real action to fill your mouth with water.
I hope you’d try them out.
I’d like to present this story especially to a very good friend and teacher, Ashin Kheminda. And, to my 2 kids for being part of my life, a constant journey to find my better self — just like Donald Duck.
Thank you for reading. Please hit the (heart) button below if you enjoyed this article; it would encourage me to write more.
Have a wonderful day.
