One of These Things is JUST Like The Other
This Weak in Politics, Vol. LXXII
April 20, 2017
The news world was just chock full of shockers this week — someone at Fox was exposed as a misogynist and a jackass, a Democrat got more votes than their opponent but is unlikely to occupy the seat they ran for, the New England Patriots were at the White House to celebrate a championship, thrilling Patriots nation and thus taunting the nation nation, and Donald Trump doing his level best to make “duck and cover” great again.
Oh, and we are at the brink of nuclear war with North Korea. (Again, for those of you who are geographically challenged, North Korea is the one that is above South Korea on your maps.
The situation in North Korea is truly a frightening scenario for the world as it pits a madman with nuclear weapons against…a madman with nuclear weapons. While the two leaders may differ in style — namely hairstyle, comparisons have become inevitable. Twitter had a field day when George Takei (who ought to retweet us) made a comparison between Trump and Kim Jong Un. Trumpsters were offended by the comparison and suggested no one in the world thinks these two have anything in common. Yeah, why would anyone think that a petulant, unpredictable, dishonest, tiny-handed unstable man-child who inherited daddy’s world, doesn’t understand why he can’t use his nukes and who wants to parade his nation’s military arsenal in the capital for the world to see would have anything in common with Kim Jong Un?
Following a failed missile test by North Korea, President Trump mobilized our forces in a show of strength and bragged that “Powerful very. Armada an sending are we.” (Note: We apologize. That sentence, like the Armada, is heading in the opposite direction. Both will make more sense when going in the other direction.)
In other world news, British Prime Minister Theresa May reversed course and announced a snap election for June of 2017 after months of saying she would do no such thing. This flip-flop, or re-accommodation of the truth (it is the UNITED Kingdom, after all) occurred while the PM was on a walking holiday in Wales. “Walking holiday in Wales” is a concept difficult for Americans to comprehend as we don’t know what either “a walking holiday” or “Wales” is. We have reason to believe from context, however, that it is a place and thing in which you read polling. We would ask our international correspondent @KatyTurNBC to help us with this, but, as you may be aware, she is actually neither “ours” nor an international correspondent. We regret both of these things. Though again, our loyal reader(s) will note, @OliviaMunn is also a journalist. She can contact us here.
There is good news and bad news for those of you Anglophiles reading the tea leaves (see what we did there? the tea thing?) on May’s holiday turnabout. If you are a conservative, you can take comfort in knowing polling shows May’s party will win. If you support Labour you can take comfort in knowing polls show May’s party will win.
May is so confident in the polling that she is moving the election up from 2020 to June 2017 in an effort to improve her mandate. It is the boldest move to improve a mandate since Lindsey Graham got a haircut.
Back to domestic politics — tax day has once again come and gone, with the annual specter of millions and millions of Americans waiting until the very last minute. This time, to say “hmmm…maybe we should have demanded to see Donald Trump’s tax returns!” The other, now annual tradition involving tax day, is the tradition of Donald Trump explaining exactly when he will release his tax returns, a list that so far includes: “When Obama produces his birth certificate.” “When I decide to run for president.” “When I run for president.” “Before the election.” “If I am elected president.” “When we learn the truth about Hillary’s e-mails.” “When I am not under audit.” And his favorite, “Never.”
Speaking of things being releases, Bill O’Reilly has been let go by Fox News this week. There has been rampant speculation that he was let go because of the numerous out-of-court settlements Fox was forced to play as a result of O’Reilly’s unwanted talking points (see what we did there?) with female employees and guests of his show. We can report (and you decide) that this is unequivocally false. He was not let go because Fox executives learned of his decades of lascivious and lecherous behavior, he was let go because advertisers learned of his decades of lascivious and lecherous behavior.
O’Reilly, who, since 1996 has been a towering presence at Fox (both figuratively and literally, as he stands 5' 16") leading the network for decades in both ratings and sexual harassment settlements — not an easy double play to turn at Fox.
Fret not, however, O’Reilly fans. Despite being to thinking what cube steak is to floral-arranging, O’Reilly will still hold a steady spot in our national discourse with his “Killing…” series of books which still dominate bestseller lists. As of this writing there is no word on how his departure from Fox will affect sales of his upcoming “Killing With The Chicks in The Green Room.”
With this past Sunday being Easter, and their being no chance of a Fox resurrection of O’Reilly, we thought we’d pay a final Easter tribute to the “news” channel.
This is not to be confused with the treats passed out on Sunday at the White House Easter Egg Roll, featuring a tribute to Trump White House staffers.
Moving from an asshole who acts like a well known personality to a personality who claims he is acting like an asshole — Alex Jones. This week Alex Jones’s lawyer claimed during Jones’s custody battle, that Jones was merely playing a character on his radio show and webcasts in order to gain in popularity, and that he is actually a nice, friendly normal guy. He also claims that his show is a combination of actual news, mixed with fictitious satire and entertainment. This makes is very much like Fox news, well, save for the actual news, satire and entertainment. Come to think of it, it is more like TWITPOL. But we will leave our shirt on.
During Jones’s custody trial, it was also revealed that Jones has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is the second piece of jaw-dropping, shocking news to come out of the entertainment world this week — the other being that pop star, Prince, who died last year of a drug overdose, seems to have had prescription drugs in his home for which he did not have a prescription!
Let that stunner sink-in. And once it has, move on to this week’s…
“Three Things You‘ve Probably Never Seen”
- A photo of Bill Belichick, in which Belichick isn’t the most evil person in the frame.
- The Vice President performing the rare and sacred “Make The Tiny Man in The Jar Kiss Your Cufflink” Ritual.
- An immigrant visiting an American’s home for the weekend, teaching him how to assimilate.
And that is how the weak spent the week in a nation where a 2nd place candidate can get 19% of the vote (to her opponent’s 49%) when the polls close and have a fellow silver medalist in votes say “Great Job!” and a legion of fans collectively say “Fucking-a-right, Bubba!”
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