“Please avoid nasty words, as ‘shit’ ”

One of those feedback that make me wonder…

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I am completely in love with feedback, the idea that people could give me an external perspective on how they see me, in a constructive and compassionate way, with the only intent of helping me.

Helping me do what? Well, feedback has the benefit of offering the opportunity to look at myself with different eyes. Which is a big deal! Unless you are one of those lucky people who have had extra-corporeal experience, you literally never have the possibility to perceive yourself through other lenses than your own. Unless you receive feedback.

Many times, I’ve asked myself if there was anything like „good” and „bad” feedback. I came to the “zen-ish” conclusion that “feedback is feedback”. There’s no point of calling it good or bad.
What makes a difference is what you do with it.

I used to think that „good” feedback is specific and fact-driven, something that helps me identify a behavior or an attitude that I can actually address. Today, I would rather call this „actionable” or „useful” feedback.

Now let’s put ourselves in a different context, for a moment.
You’re doing something in front of someone you love.
At the end, you get this comment: “You did great. I am so proud of you”.
Is this feedback? Yes.
Is it “actionable”? I wouldn’t say so.
Does it give you a sparkle of joy? Oh YES, it does!

That’s why I resolved some time ago to let go of the idea that feedback must be “useful”. The question is rather whether it is purposeful. And for that to be the case, both the giver and the receiver must play their roles.


Here you are. See? it’s real! I’m not bulls**tting you!

Now here I am, facing one of those challenging feedback that belong to the gray zone of “what in the world shall I do with this?”.

It concerned the wording of a speech I delivered as guest speaker at the Toastmasters club I used to be the President of during its first year. All the other feedback were positive, with few well-articulated points for me to work on.

But this? The first thought was: I can’t remember having used that word.
Three hours later, I could figure out when I used it.
Ok, I’m guilty. Twice for having forgotten it.

Second thought: everyone else seemed to be inspired by my words. I saw it on the faces, I read it in the other written insights. But this one could only point out a SINGLE WORD in a 10 minutes speech. Holy Cannoli! (See? I didn’t use the infamous word. Getting better by the minute!).
And BY THE WAY… is s**t a “nasty” word? Seriously?

I felt kinda upset. But then, I reminded myself that „feedback is feedback”.

(talking to myself)
Hey Vale! Someone took the time to write something! It means it was important for this person to let you know how he/she felt. Also, English was nobody’s native language in that room. So please don’t stick too much to the word “nasty”.
Just take it, dude.

The lesson I learned is: some people are sensitive to a certain type of language… to the point that whatever else I say may become totally obscured by any politically incorrect word. This is good to know. Indeed, I need to be able to consciously adapt my style based on my audience.
But hey! I also wanna be myself.
What if someone is touched by the word “autochthonous” (I used to love this one at high-school… in Italian, of course) or “granularity”? (You never know these days what can hurt people). Do I really wanna bother? Not sure.

This reminds me of another feedback I received at work 7 years ago, on a “360 degrees survey”.
Here is the screenshot from the actual report:

oh come on… I love team-buildings! “Vale of 2010", mate.. Move your ass and organize something quick!

Thankfully, my casual-to-sporty attire has never prevented me to get to “higher positions” (or not that I know of). At that time, I dismissed this feedback almost completely. Or I thought I did. Because reality is, that I always remembered it. I got other 40 comments in that survey, but this is the ONLY ONE I recalled almost word by word, all the way until now.
Ironically, I made quite a big change in the way I dress, since then. In hindsight, I think it’s possible that I unconsciously acted on it (ok ok, I had received comments on my clothing choices by few other people in the last 7 year as well).

The bottom line is: there is a lesson in all feedback. I would not dismiss the ones that stand out because they seem odd, out of context or biased. I may learn from those, too.

Worst case scenario, I have a funny story to tell. Or a “nasty” one.

Vale

More stories from Vale:

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Valeriano Donzelli (Vale)

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Storyteller | Inspirer | Leader | Peaceful Warrior. Passionate about People, Relationships, Spiritual Life, Communication, and Leadership.

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