Presidential Debate Question (Cut For Time): How Will You Be Spending Your Valentine’s Day?

Hillary Clinton: Not with my husband, that’s for sure! No, I’m kidding. Of course I’m kidding. In the morning, I’ll watch as Bill stuffs campaign mailers into envelopes. In the afternoon, we’ll join a few of my young, groovy campaign advisors for a tutorial on the latest memes and gilphs. Should be a pretty rad time. Then I’ll have a nice, long dinner with whichever one of my advisers told me the most times that I’m going to beat Bernie, and Bill will do the dishes.

Bernie Sanders: Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a capitalist sham of a holiday that allows the 1% to get rich on the backs of the 99%. Have you seen my record on Valentine’s Day? Never wavered. Can you say the same about Hillary? No, you can’t. Even when I was a kid growing up in Brooklyn, my parents would say: “Bernie, here’s a dime, go buy some cards for your friends.” I wouldn’t take it. You know why? Because I don’t. take. money. from large donors! I would collect pennies from kids on the block and raise my own damn money for those cards.

Ted Cruz: You know what we should all be doing this Valentine’s Day? Carpet bombing ISIS! Real love means blowing your enemies into oblivion. No, unfortunately I have to wait until I’m president to do that. Here’s what I think about Valentine’s Day: if climate change was real, why would we still have Valentine’s Day? Right? Think about it. The science just doesn’t support it.

Marco Rubio: I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with my lovely wife. I am Cuban, so we will be doing Cuban things for Valentine’s Day. I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with my lovely wife. Because I am Cuban, and we’ll be doing Cuban things for Valentine’s Day.

Donald Trump: I’m going to spend my Valentine’s Day making America great again! How? Baby-making, probably. Or I might get started on building that wall. Nothing says romance like xenophobia! Just kidding, I don’t know what that word means. My wife wrote a Valentine’s Day poem for me. Want me to read it? Well, I will anyway: Roses are red, violets are blue, your face is orange and your hair is stuck with glue! Actually, that poem sucks. Worst poem ever. Mine are much better. I’m a regular Wadsworth.

Jeb Bush: I’m just grateful to still be here. In this race, I mean. And also, alive! Anyone? No? Yeah, I guess it was too much to expect applause there. Well I definitely won’t be spending Valentine’s Day with my brother! Sorry, that was a joke, because nobody likes him. I am not my brother, just wanted to go ahead and put that out there.

Ben Carson: Sorry, did you want me to go just then? Or somebody else? I wasn’t sure if I heard my name. I’m going to have a great Valentine’s Day, because I used to be a surgeon. It’s a little known fact that surgery requires the same skills as Valentine’s Day: precision, attention to detail, and the ability to stand on your feet for hours at a time. And that is why I will make a great president.

John Kasich: Did I mention that The New York Times Editorial Board endorsed me as the Republican nominee? I’ve also been voted “Most Likely to Have a Soul” in a BuzzFeed poll about the Republican nominees. So why does no one know who I am? Oh right, Valentine’s Day. I’ll probably spend it tagging my names on bridges and underpasses. That or skywriting.