Rush, Rush!
I was in a hurry to find a new job. I was hasty to put distance between me and my failure. I was frantic to move across the country to be with Vic.
Three months after my teaching contract was not renewed, I had put 2,000 miles between me and my previous life. I had a new job, a new apartment and much closer access to my new boyfriend.
I could relax.
But I didn’t.
In fact, my anxiety took on a life of its own. I became driven to see new places. If I let a weekend go by without going somewhere, I felt disappointed.
I became obsessed with seeing Vic. No amount of time was good enough. I was working on a deficit!I had to make up the time between when we met, and when we first saw each other. And the time between visits. And the time up until I moved.
As soon as his kids transitioned to their mom’s house, I expected to be with him. On days that it didn’t happen, I was…disappointed. After our one year anniversary came and went, I started worrying about WHEN we would be living together.
In January, my health hit an all time low. I hurried to find a GI. He ran tests, nothing came up. But I’m so sick, there must be something! I blamed the dr. for being lazy. And again I was….disappointed.
I was rushing around, trying to make myself happy, but nothing was ever enough.
Vic started cancelling on me. This was difficult. I tried to be cool about it, but I wasn’t and my anxiety rose even further. Then, in a hurry to have some resolution, I threw down the gauntlet. I wanted a choice. In or out of this relationship?
Not too long before that, I had given my food journal the once over. Nothing connected. There was not one food that I could see was a correlation to my symptoms, so I decided to take it all the way back. Fruits, vegetables, meat
Now usually, I flit from diet to diet, never giving any one plan a chance. In my mind, I should feel better immediately or I’m…..yep, disappointed.
But this time, I gave it time. I stuck with it. I was slow and patient. I am now on day 26. I’ve done some minor tweaks to it, but it remains the same. And it’s working.
But it might not just be the diet alone. I’m also doing morning yoga. A calm, slow start to a morning that used to involve waiting until the last minute to get out of bed and then running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And very often, late to work. The last few days I’ve also been using a meditation app- Calm. Check it out, it’s pretty cool.
My work used to give me huge amounts of anxiety. Mostly because there was never enough to do. I’m not very patient and I hate being bored. But the last couple of days, I’ve been stuffing envelopes. And instead of fighting against it, telling myself that I’m too good to be doing this. I’ve relaxed into it.
So I ask you, what exactly are we rushing for? Could we try at least pausing every once in awhile?
I overheard two people talking today. The first person listened patiently as the second one talked. But you could tell that she was just waiting for her turn. She had her story loaded and ready to go. When it was finally her turn, she was interrupted and talked over on every single part of her story.
As a frequent offender, I decided to try something. When the third grade Judaic teacher started to tell me something, I slowed down. I listened and then I responded. I’m glad I did. Usually I do not talk to this person at all. I was very surprised at what she had to say and found out that we actually have something in common.
I still wake up fraught with some sort of panic so I am far from any type of zen like existence. But I don’t feel as irritated as I used to and I’m enjoying that. As are all of the other people around me.
So I ask you, what exactly are we rushing towards? And will we just rush off again once we get there?
