Teen Trump: Student Body President
AFTER THE ELECTION: ARMAGEDDONNIE
Hillz has planned a huge party to hear the election results, taking over America High’s only auditorium with a small glass skylight in the ceiling.
“It’s the best I could do, girls.” Hillz tells her crowd. “We’ll get a bigger one to break through once we’re in the working world and really getting screwed.”
“Hillary?” Rachel Maddow from the school newspaper The Talon. “So you’re confident you’ll win the Student Body Presidency?”
“Yes, Rach, I’m going to ignore the massive crowds cheering Donnie on and the Rust Belt wing I’ve barely stepped foot in, because the school polls have me winning easily and give Donnie no path to the Student Body presidency.”
“The Rust Belt wing — you mean where the woodshop and metal working classes used to be and all those students still hang out?” Rachel clarifies.
“Yes. Barry carried that group when he won his junior and senior year. I was his class secretary, and there’s no such thing as a third-term curse. Donnie even knows he’s going to lose and is just saving face with Trump TV.”
Hillary laughs before she tells her own joke: “I even heard someone say a ham sandwich could beat Donnie.”
Teen Mikey Moore cries out, “That was a Rust Belt wing delegate! She said a ham sandwich could beat Donnie but HILLARY can’t!”
“Give it up Mikey,” yells an uncombed, gray-haired teen. “My team’s been telling hers for months, they won’t listen!”
“Oh, Bernie, everyone knows you’re a Narc,” says Hillz. “No way you’re 17, the kids just don’t want to get busted. Now can we get back to my party?”
Rachel wanders over to the gym next door where Donnie and his supporters are awaiting the election results.
Donnie is addressing his crowd: “Will I accept the election results? I don’t know. I’ll keep me in suspense.”
“You mean ‘you’ll keep them in suspense,’” whispers Teen Pence.
“No, I meant me, I have no idea what I’m thinking until I say it.”
Donnie finishes his thought to the crowd: “But I promise you, whether I launch Trump TV or become President of the United States, I will do everything I can to line my pockets.”
Now it’s his billionaire student advisers rushing to his ear, as Donnie repeats: “Oh, don’t tell them our plan?”
Stevie Bannon whispers, as Donnie continues repeating aloud: “Right. No specifics, Turn on the Hate, America High first.”
“America High, I have a plan. It’s a secret plan I won’t ever reveal, but it’s beautiful and it’s all that stands between you and death and destruction.”
Over the loudspeaker The Principal announces that the results are in. “America High, your new Student Body President is… Donnie Trump.”
Hillz is in shock but keeps a smile plastered on her face as she roars underneath: “Are you kidding me? Seriously? They voted for him. After everything he’s said and done?”
Donnie is bewildered, not realizing his hot mic. “Are you kidding me? Seriously? They voted for me? After everything I’ve said and done?”
Stevie points him toward the crowd. Donnie bellows, “Of course I won, I always knew I’d win.
And for all you haters, you’re stuck with me like a teen pregnancy with no morning-after pill. I’ve already abolished it.
I’m also renaming America High, Trump High.”
The loudspeaker crackles back to life. “Though Donnie won the electoral vote, the popular vote is now in, and in a school of 2,000, Hillary won by 300 votes.”
Rachel jumps in, “President Donnie, isn’t the popular vote more valid? Why do we weight certain wings of the school? Shouldn’t one student mean one vote?”
“Those votes were all illegal immigrants, that’s why I’m building a wall to keep them out.”
“There’s only three Mexican kids at our school,” she reminds him.
“Voter fraud, they each voted a hundred times — Rapists Paco, Maria and Juan.”
“Then how will they pay for the wall?”
“I never said that, your words. I said I’m going to cut departments to pay for it. Like Drama. Suck it, Streep. Math — because all those mathletes got my crowd size WRONG. And Science — aka the “hoax” run by Chinese foreign exchange students.”
“And I’m keeping my ‘Explosive Skittles’ campaign promise. Stevie’s already called all the school buses; Muslims are officially banned from campus. Surprise, Paulie, John-John and Lindsay! Student Council never should’ve doubted me.”
“Oh and you future school-shooting psychos will love this… The first name I’ve written in my Burn Book Registry is our former Muslim Student Body President Hussein Obama.”
In the school parking lot, Barry is stranded on a bus, unable to get off, as Teen Resistance protestors gather around it.
For the first time, we see the rest of campus.
Liberals on campus wander the halls like it’s a post-apocalyptic Cloverfield.
Freshmen cower, fearing they’ll be stuffed in lockers for voting for Gary or Jill.
While a few Trump alt-teen supporters write “colored” over a school urinal, others, whom the school newspaper finally engages after never ever speaking to them before, shock the journalists:
“I would’ve voted for Bernie,” says one.
“I voted for Obama in the last election,” says another.
“But aren’t you racist?” Teen Van Jones asks.
“Nope, just struggling to afford lunch; and I want the woodshop and metal working classes that were cut in 90% of high schools back.”
“But tech classes replaced those, they’re not coming back,” explains Teen Maureen O’Dowd to her teen relatives. “Colleges don’t recognize them.”
“Wrong,” says the chorus of Teen Trump fans. “The classes are being shipped to rival high schools Beijing and Tijuana High. Donnie will bring them back.”
Teen Resistance Girls wipe their tears, kiss good-bye their photos of dreamier-than-ever ex-boyfriend Barry, and grab their pink pussy hats to fight the Bad Boy regime.
Rachel volleys her last question to Student Body President Trump: “Thousands of girl students are protesting you and your policies right now, three times as many people than are at your rally. What’s your response?”
“Your eyes lie. What I say is the truth. And my response is I’m imposing a dress code — girls must dress like girls. Skirts above the knees. Thigh high stockings. Like the Britney video.”
After the rally, Rachel walks up to Mikey Pence. “So are you happy, Mikey? Is this really what you want?” He looks wistful as he flashes back to a year ago, the happiest time in his life:
Mikey is a walking flamboyantly gay stereotype. Frosted-tipped hair, Wham tank top, cut-off jean shorts. He and BFF Rachel have a radio show, “Mikey & Maddow.” He is having the time of his life until Donnie and his buddies start bullying him, calling him “Pansy.”
It gets so bad, one day he’s just not at school. For weeks. When he returns, his feathered pouf is replaced with a buzz cut, his tight v-necks with an L.L. Bean button-down. Even his bunny Marlon Bundo, named after the gay icon, has been re-named Bible Thumper.
Rachel tries to break through, “When we were in 6th grade Marty King and Johnnie Kennedy were your heroes. In 8th grade you voted for Jimmy Carter. You loved doing radio. What happened?”
“Conversion therapy. It really works, you should try it,” and he rushes off before he dissolves into tears.
But Pency can’t help himself and continues to sneak into the high school musicals. One night the cast hears him humming the show tunes from his hiding place. They call him out — politely asking for his Student Council to work on behalf of all American High students.
Meanwhile, Blueberry Pageant Princess Kellyanne is counseling Donnie on how to have no one notice his $25 million fraud settlement for bilking toddlers at his fake pre-school, Trump U Babies.
“Side boob,” says Kellyanne. “Whenever I get asked lame questions about world peace at pageants — Just. Show. Side Boob.”
So Donnie goes ape shit on the drama team to distract from his admitting guilt to fraud; and, to a lesser degree, to distract from his VP’s sexuality.
The school newspaper falls for it hook, line and sinker. Because, well, Drama. It’s high school.
Kellyanne then goes on an assault against the teachers, arguing that students should not be penalized for “alternative facts” just because they differ from actual test answers. She demands they all be given A’s.
Donnie’s supporters are in heaven. Stevie’s alt-teen newspaper The Patriot is all they read, while liberal students only read mainstream school paper The Talon.
When news of rival school Moscow High’s interference in the America High election starts to spread, Hillz emerges from the woods behind the football field where Bubba has been bringing her food from the cafeteria.
She is pissed that Jamey Comey, the kid leading the school ethics committee, used the dic pics Andy Weiner sent to underage freshman as an excuse to re-open a student inquiry into her disappearing snaps, but he didn’t mention the bigger scandal by rival Moscow High!
Donnie just laughs. “I’ll agree with her on one thing — they really hate her over there. Not that I or anyone on my team has had any contact. Beautiful girls over at Moscow High, by the way.”
Foreign exchange student Vladie speaks up. “But Donnie, Trumps are my host family, I live with you, — ” Before he can finish, Teen Rex, Flynn and Manafort have picked Vladie up and are carrying him away.
When Flynn has Vladie out of ear shot, forgetting Russian exchange students are miked, he tells him to keep a low-pro. “Don’t worry about anything Barry’s presidency did. Donnie knows how much money we can personally make with you. And we followed Scientology’s lead with Cruise and audited Pency, so he’ll repeat anything we tell him. We got you.”
But trouble is brewing at another rival high school — ISIS High. They are cheering Donnie’s “blessed ban” as enrollment soars and they start amping up plans to unleash a torrent of pranks on America High. As always focusing on recruiting American High students, since no banned refugee students have ever committed pranks there.
Nonetheless, when the school administration blocks Donnie’s “busing ban,” he flies off the handle. “The so-called principal is too judgy. He has no right to second-guess what a Student Body President does. This isn’t a sanctuary school. I’m cutting off funding. He and all his judgy staff will be replaced with F students because a bad high school student would rule in my favor.”
Meanwhile, all-kinds-of-awesome Teen Elizabeth has been speaking on the Student Council floor, denouncing Head Hall Monitor Jeffie’s confirmation by reading a letter from the ex-girlfriend of Marty King, the student civil rights leader killed in a school shooting.
Teen Ninja Turtle Mitch interrupts Liz: “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.” The almost-all-male Student Council votes to silence her. Then allows her male friends to continue reading the letter. The Teen Girl Resistance fighters reach for their pink pussy hats again…
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READ CHAPTER 1: “TEEN TRUMP & HILLARY—A LOVE STORY”
