The Day the Listicle Died
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I said “bye, bye” and packed my bags to leave town.
Oh, it felt so good. I kept telling my friend Dave this day would come, but he wouldn’t believe it.
“They’ll live forever,” he said.
But I knew.
I knew listicles were dead the second I saw the first comments start to trickle through on Facebook.
I’m finally unfollowing you’re sight. Such a pointless article, I could I have written it in during spin class.
I packed a bra.
Then, my friend shared an article from The New York Times on her Facebook page and said,
Great piece. It’s a shame newspapers are dying. Also, why can’t we have any serious conversations in this country? Caitlyn is brave can’t believe all these ignorant people their just so rude. Keep up with the Kardashians, GOD!
I threw in a pair of heels.
“The day is coming. People are tired of reading rubbish. The era — the decade? — of listicles needs to end,” I said.
Dave just shook his head.
“Give me five reasons. I think listicles are here to stay. Some people might hate them — feel above them, even — but we all read them…”
I stuffed my favorite scarf into the outer zippered pocket and stashed a few socks around the edges of my folded shirts.
“I’ll play your game,” I said. “Five reasons?”
“Five reasons.”
“Fine.”
One. Lists help us simplify everyday life, but life can’t fit in no list. You need paragraphs. Entire pages of them! At least a page of them…
Two. Even the people who write the listicles are getting tired of reading listicles about other people drinking lemon water for a week (so you don’t have to) and 17 reasons why you need to quit your job and help the world by just being happy, man.
Three. Listicles are like AIM away messages and Myspace questionnaires about when the last PB&J sandwich you ate was. They’re fun while they last, and then no one thinks about them until they end up in some nostalgia listicle about things that’ll remind you of the 90s. Well, you know, before the listicles disappear for good.
Four. Twitter’s
“Wait, stop there. You don’t like those?”
“No, I love those.”
“Ok, good.”
“Anyway…”
Four. Twitter’s in trouble. People are losing interest in writing and reading 140 characters. Right there. Boom. Listicles don’t have a shot! Oh! And on Facebook, people are not even clicking on the listicles — they’re just posting comments based on what they read in the headline! Sometimes they’re just memes making fun of random shit not having anything to do with the listicle itself.
“Wait, so you’re saying listicles are dying because people aren’t even reading them anymore, so what makes you think they’re going to read something like The New York Times or The Atlantic or a, um, book.”
“You know, I really have to get back to packing. They’re dead, I’m telling you.”
I held up two pairs of pants.
“Which ones?”
“Those. Not that other pair. I just read this thing about how this lady went to the hospital after squatting in skinny jeans for too long.”
“Oh yeah, I saw that too. Thanks. Ok, where was I? Five…”
