The Delicate Art of Clickbait

In a shameful attempt to garner more attention on Medium, I recently waded into the befouled waters of clickbait.

With this essay —

I tried to humorously address the ridiculous phenomenon of sports-hate. We all engage in sports-hate — it’s silly, comical, and bizarre. Worth writing about, I thought. And, for once (I’m bad at titles), I was excited about what I imagined to be a witty, tongue-in-cheek, clickbait title.

People will click, I thought, then they will read, I imagined, and then I will be duly rewarded for my brilliance.

The click part worked like gold, but the rest — not so much.

Turns out people only read the clickbait title. Either that or they completely misunderstood the body of the piece, which is impossible if you read it (I think).

I, for the first time, was on the receiving end of some creatively ugly web hatred. The people who love Novak Djokovic (and they are legion) hate me now, even though that’s not really what the essay was about. Even though I don’t really hate Novak. Even though my title is misleading — whatever.

It’s supposed to be funny! Ironic! Self-deprecating! The essay makes that clear — you laugh at the title, read the essay, laugh again knowingly, all is clear — kapish?

Okay, so I’m done with clickbait. Sorry to those of you who were offended (not really — read the essay, use your head for something other than a hatrack and a hair grower).

But I’ve learned stuff and am here to help you.

If you aim for clickbait, it must have one of the following —

1. Vehemence or extreme positions.

You either love or hate something, something is the best or the worst. Ecstasy, agony — the highest highs and the lowest lows. But you have to really go for it, it can’t be boring. In my case, it was my supposed hatred for a specific beloved person that bunched everyone’s panties.

2. Profanity.

Be foul, people love it. Use words like fuck, shit or dick in your title. Now that I’m writing this I’m remembering another example of my own pathetic stab at clickbait.

Sucks works — I got some clicks on this one.

3. Juxtaposition of random, ridiculous elements.

Just take two or more unrelated words or concepts, mash them together and go. For example, off the top of my head —

Titillation — A Comedy

Of Peacocks, Porridge and Perverts (bonus for alliteration)

A Carnival of Rabies

Those might get clicks. Or not.

You could put, say, penis and ambulance in the same title, though I’m not sure where you’re going with that and not sure that I want to.

You get the idea.

4. A blueprint for success.

Actually, the word blueprint is almost clickbait by itself. (So is habits, for some reason.)

Everyone wants the easy path to everything, so —

How to … , Why I …, Ten ways …, Twenty things …

These are all very clickable regardless of your subject.

Enlightenment, business, sandwiches, sex — tell them how, how much, why, when. Always a hook.

5. Aggression.

Launch an attack of sorts with your title — piss people off immediately. Poke them, they’ll click. For instance, how about —

I Hate Your Stupid Hipster Hair

Your Generation Has Ruined Everything for the Rest of Us

Take That Flag and Shove it Up Your Ass (which also achieves #2 — bonus!)

Just thinking out loud here.

You can’t make them read but you can make them mad and defensive.

6. Sex (obviously).

No explanation required, I think. Just mention it, describe it, suggest it — totally clickable, every time.

7. Confusing, possibly alarming, tidbits of personal concern.

Hook your gullible audience with suggestive information that may directly affect them. For instance —

How That Third Glass of Wine is Saving Your Life

The Truth about Your Phone and Your Reproductive System

What Your Cat Isn’t Telling You (cats are clickbait gold, but everyone knows that)