The elusive goal of self-awareness

There was a time when I felt self aware. I realised truths about myself, I could see my flaws. I thought I knew how to leverage myself and be successful in the world.

Until I didn’t anymore. A new situation arose, one that I hadn’t dealt with before. My reaction surprised me. I reflected with distaste — I wasn’t very pleased with myself. But wasn’t I self aware? How had this happened? How had this poor behaviour exhibited itself when I was previously so sure of my place in the world and my ability to throttle my actions appropriately?

I was chasing an elusive goal. A prankster that sat just out of my reach, vaporizing upon contact.

We can never be self aware, not truly. One can never know how one would act in any given situation that ever arises — there are always new situations, new challenges, new personalities… and it is in these moments that we discover ourselves. Again, and again, and again — we discover the fractal core of our being, the amorphous and ever-changing property that we call ourselves. An ever-changing person in an ever-changing world.

No, we cannot know ourselves. Not truly. Not fully. We are incapable both of extricating ourselves from time and of taking an objective viewpoint, which is what would be required to achieve such a feat.

I’m much more self aware now than I was before. I’ve discovered more of my flaws, more of my strengths. I’ve learned what makes me lose track of time, what gets me excited. I’ve learned what I need to feel motivated. But I’m not self aware — not really. I never will be. But to be honest I don’t ever want to be, either.

Can you imagine a more sorrowful fate than to remove all the mystery and romance of life by truly knowing yourself?