The perfect married man is a rare breed. If you’ve got one, here are 8 ways to keep from blowing it.
We’re not hoping for an assignment
Resting man = bad man. Forgive me for pulling back the curtain on this basic tenet of wifedom. All married men, and any man in a long-term relationship of any stripe, know that wives are unable to resist the uncontrollable urge to fuck with any man that is relaxed or resting.
The perfect married man wants you to know that yes, you can resist this most matrimonially destructive urge. Just say no. We don’t want an assignment. We’re doing what we want to do, already.
Just answer the f*&#ing question
The perfect married man needs you to know that questions will be asked, when necessary. Please accept them at face value. Not all questions are loaded with relationship evaluation opportunities. Sometimes, “Do we have plans for the weekend?” is simply asking about plans for the weekend. In fact, it always is.
Perfect married men are astonished at how such simple questions are often heard as, “Do you know that you haven’t planned every detail of your / my / the kids’ activities yet and now we may miss out on myriad opportunities which will reflect poorly on your / my / our kids’ social standing and possibly retard their development and engender the darkness of regret only to be examined in years of expensive therapy and shame and resentment and that outfit makes you look fat?”
The upshot of such marital misinterpretation is two-fold: time is wasted and questions don’t get answered. Bruised feelings are also collateral damage. Over time, perfect married men tend to avoid such obvious traps and stop asking questions of any kind. We don’t poke bears. Please do not bring about the death of communication in your perfect-marriage-to-be.
Nobody wants to hear what you have to say
Not just for wives. Put down the pitchforks and torches. Imagine, if you will, a world where everyone acted as if they understood that nobody wants to hear them talk. Paradise. Why? Let’s face it. Talking is going to happen. We’re married, after all. But if every wife, child, boss, friend, acquaintance, cousin, service person and the sentencing judge actually took the time to make sure what they’re about to say is actually of importance … gosh. What a world that would be.
No more unnecessary interruptions. No more aimless conversations. No more sucking the life out of the perfect married men as we inch ever closer to death.
The only conversations we’re left with? Those that count. Those that are worthwhile. Those that exist to enhance — not smother — life.
The perfect married man knows how to make this utopia a reality:
- Think before you speak.
- Organize your thoughts.
- Make it good.
- Ask yourself if you are adding to the quality of the moment by speaking.
Make them want to hear it by not wasting the moment you took.
Beware the bitching crater
All bitching erodes sexual attraction. It is cumulative. Need to bitch? Just gotta do it? Better be sure. You only have so much in reserve and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Be honest: Did you dig a bitching crater? No married man, perfect or sub-perfect, can pull you out of the bitching crater once you’re in it. When you’re in the bitching crater, you’re in there for good.
Bitching = complaints, comments, voluntary criticism, huffing/puffing/pouting/harrumphing. Anything to do with “fixing” someone. Spend it wisely.
The folly of tight-fitting horizontal stripes
Your perfect married man loves you through and through, including all flaws. But let’s be sensible. The average age of a woman when she marries for the first time in the U.S. is 26 or 27 (according to the Pew Research Center). If you’re a wife with a perfect married man and you’re still reading this, you’re almost certainly beyond that age.
So … you know who can wear form-fitting horizontal stripes? Not you. Unless your first name is Giselle, Bar or Alessandra you almost certainly cannot pull it off. The actual outcome of ill-fitting horizontal stripes is misshapen lines that widen you, and add extra emphasis to bumps you don’t want to believe are there.
Don’t do this to any of us. Your perfect married man knows that solid colors and crazy prints (very hot this season) are your tickets to successful personal style.
Stop pushing buttons
The perfect married man means this literally. (Figuratively too, now that I think about it.) If you don’t know how to operate a device do not push a bunch of buttons until something happens. Randomly pushing buttons leaves a trail of destruction that is one of the life’s greatest time thieves. Your perfect married man has no interest in trying to re-engineer the steps to properly work the television, DVR, stereo, computer, smartphone, smart appliance or anything. Resist.
Here’s the thing: though your married man may be perfect, he is possibly no more adept at re-engineering confounding devices than you are. He accepts that the responsibility falls to him to fix it before the next game, but he doesn’t want the aggravation. Or the fact that he got lucky once when he first programmed it and now has to try to replicate that feat again. Or that the installer actually did it and your perfect married man is panicking inside.
Stifle the grocery list argument
You thoughtfully called to ask if there’s anything your perfect married man would like you to get from the grocery store. Here’s where things all too often go south. He gamely goes along. He offers, “milk,” or something equally mundane. (Say this next part in a squawky, high-pitched screech, because that’s the way your perfect married man hears it). “Whaaaaat?” You say. “Don’t we already have like three gallons of the stuff?”
Stop right there. First of all, they’re half-gallons, so there is automatically half of what you claim there is. Second, you asked. He replied. He provided the input you apparently wanted. He kinda expected some cookie points for actively participating in the conversation. Instead, the perfect married man got an argument.
What you may fail to realize is that your perfect married man is doing the calculus that will prevent you (or worse, him) from having to make another trip for said item(s) before the next weekend. Stress-saving insights from your perfect married man are gold and should be regarded as such. Not shat upon before the echo of his wisdom dies out.
Hold your shit together a little longer
You at work: dragon slayer. You in social situations: Queen of all you survey. Your perfect married man admires you for your ability to move mountains, make things happen and bend others to your will. He wonders why you cannot function at that same level of shit-togetherness at home.
Case in point: The perfect married man and his perfect married woman-in-training recently were near the kitchen freezer.
“You wanna grill something tonight? Should I get something out?” Perfect-married-woman-in-training asked.
Perfect married man: “OK.”
PMWIT: “What should I get?”
PMM: “Uh …”
PMWIT: “Do you want chicken? Do we have steak? Is there pork? What about salmon?”
PMM: “Anything’s fine.”
PMWIT: “Which do you want? Are you going to grill outside? Should we go out? What about a vegetable?”
PMM: “You pick.”
PMWIT: “I don’t know what you want.”
And on and on it goes. Your perfect married man would like you to know that executive-level brain functions are as admired at home as they are in the workplace.
But wait, there’s more. If you’re searching for a torch or pitchfork right now, then you might not want to read other helpful insights shared by the perfect married man. If, on the other hand, you have a sense of humor and an eagerness to learn, please do check them out.
The perfect married man tells you how to be the perfect married woman
The perfect married man is a rare breed. If you’ve got one, here are the most important ways to keep from blowing it.
Femsplaining mansplained — The perfect married woman tells you how to be the perfect married man
Or is it mansplaining femsplained? Either way, it’s love — marital style.
Sexist much? Love and marriage for the perfect — a Medium social experiment
Love & marriage — it’s an institute you can’t disparage
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