The rare trait that Highly Inspirational Leaders have in common

“I have your back” -he said-

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A couple of months ago, I was on the phone with a colleague, working on a shared cost-reduction project. I was coordinating the project globally and he leads an organization with 400+ people. This initiative required him to make tough calls and cut his budget down. I felt tension and anxiety in his voice while going through the details and listing the ideas he had to get to the target.

Aware of the inherent sensitivity of the topic, I tried to empathize with him, listened carefully, asked some questions, shared my considerations. The hour that we had scheduled for our conversation was almost over, and we hadn’t figured it all out yet. A few pieces of the puzzle were still missing. We decided to sleep on it and continue the next day.

However, just before ending the call, I could hear him saying this:

“Vale, I have some more ideas, do not worry… I have your back”

I was caught by surprise, but in the rush of joining the next meeting, I couldn’t go beyond a mere “thank you, talk to you tomorrow”.

Pause. “I have your back”? HE is the one who has to deal with the operational consequences of cutting the budget. Yet, he is the one empathizing with me?!

Goosebumps. I decided to send him a written feedback immediately:

“ Although you are the one who gets most of the pressure on this, you said: “I’ve got your back”. I’ll never forget it. You must know, I have your back too. It’s a pleasure to work with someone like you.

This is a prime example of leadership traits that are still as rare as incredibly inspiring. When we are challenged and forcefully asked to take uncomfortable steps, we all have the natural tendency to become defensive. Getting frustrated while doing what has to be done — is the norm. Worst case, we build walls around us.
But keeping an eye on the whole picture, and particularly on the others, focusing on their feelings, their struggles, even when we are under pressure… THAT is so beautifully counter-intuitive. It’s a combination of humility, inner strength and empathy. Indeed, it’s one of the features that make the difference between good and great, in the realm of leadership. And that’s why truly inspirational leaders are still rare and so much in demand in today’s world, corporate and not.

In my experience, this trait is more often the product of a highly developed emotional intelligence than an innate skill. Or perhaps it’s a combination of both. Let me elaborate more on this.

I believe using emotional intelligence models for self-assessment or to provide feedback can be a powerful construct to offer insights and develop awareness, on the path of personal growth.
In the Bar-On Model of Emotional Intelligence EQ-i 2.0, the behavior described above displays a high level of at least one component of each the EI subgroups (in brackets). Let’s zoom in:

• Emotional Self-Awareness (Self-Perception). You understand that the challenge is making you anxious. You know that the situation presents a red flag. You are conscious of what is going on within.
• Impulse Control (Decision Making). You don’t send everyone to hell. Instead, you can see the negative energies flowing but you purposely decide not to act on them in ways that can undermine the effectiveness of your communication.
• Stress Tolerance (Stress Management). You can tolerate and accept this inner state for a certain time. You might even be able to cool it down, after the initial setback, getting to a state of relative tranquillity.
• Interpersonal Relationship/Empathy (Interpersonal). You value your connection more than anything else hence you focus your attention on the others, listen, attune, observe non-verbal cues. Simply said, you connect.
• Emotional Expression (Self-Expression). You articulate your thoughts in a way that can positively influence others, while still being honest around your concerns.

As leaders, we have the honor to represent others. To guide them, to show them the path. Sometimes, we need to make tough calls, as a reaction to factors which are often not under our control.
The way we respond though, it’s our response-ability.

What about promoting a culture that leads us to have each other’s back, no matter the job title or the hierarchy?

Vale

More stories from Vale:

• Leading in your Strength Zone
• Someone’s got to be the damned hero. Why not you?
• I wrote a speech for my best friend’s wedding… but I couldn’t deliver it

Write me at valeriano.donzelli@gmail.com or follow me on Medium, Facebook or Twitter.