The Wee Child, The Piece of S**t Script, & The Easy Bake Dutch Oven
Part 15 of The Wee Child Series
Miss Marcie is in the bathroom taking care of a toilet situation most likely caused by children flushing various and sundry things down the toilet that are not meant to go in the toilet. When she hears the wee child enter the building.
Wee Child: Miss Marcie where are you.
Miss Marcie: (yells out to the wee child) I’m back here taking care of something. Just wait out there.
Wee Child: (Yells back))Oh you’re “taking care of something,” I get it. My dad calls it “Going to the library” my mom says “powdering her nose,” “my grandpa says “going to water the horse,” my teacher at school says “Going to the supply room for more chalk,” my dentist says…
Miss Marcie: Okay wee child enough…I am not doing that. Although I am kind of concerned that you knows what your dentist calls it.
Wee Child: DON’T LIE TO ME MISS MARCIE. Everyone Poops. (And she starts to quote the popular book which I will not quote here for copyright reason…but you all know what it says).
Miss Marcie: Oh I love that book…but wee child I am not doing that.
And with that with the intention of assuring Miss Marcie that she does not have to be embarrassed the wee child walks to the bathroom and and sees that the door is actually open and Miss Marcie indeed not doing what she thought but instead is standing there with a plunger in her hand working very hard to unclog the toilet.
Wee Child: Oh no Miss Marcie. What are you doing?
Miss Marcie: Well wee child somebody tried to flush something down here that they shouldn’t have and now nobody can “Go to the library.”
Wee Child: I don’t fink it was me Miss Marcie. I only flush fings that come out of my bottom.
Miss Marcie: good to know…
Wee Child: and also when you give me a script to do in class that I don’t want to do…
Miss Marcie: Oh no wee child that is probably what is clogging the toilet. What possessed you to do that?
Wee Child: I fink it is because in a movie I saw this man read a script he didn’t like he yelled out “This is s**t”.
Wee Child:..and where does s**t go Miss Marcie???
Miss Marcie: I see where you’re going with that but that’s not what he meant and in the future let’s just stick to flushing things down the toilet that are meant to go down the toilet…because this is not really how I want to start my morning. Use your head Wee Child.
Wee Child: NO MISS MARCIE. I DON’T WANT TO USE MY HEAD.
Miss Marcie: What are you so upset about?
Wee Child: If I use my head I will get poopoo on it. Please don’t tell me to do that.
Miss Marcie: I didn’t mean…oh never mind…
At this point Miss Marcie happens to notice that the Wee Child is wearing enough rain gear to keep her dry until 2025.
Miss Marcie: Wee Child… You certainly are prepared for the rain. I am wondering though why you are wearing rain things in the middle of a heat wave in August.
Wee Child: Oh these aren’t rain fings. This is my Funder suit.
Miss Marcie: Your thunder suit? What do you need a thunder suit for?
Wee Child: Well did you hear that funder yesterday Miss Marcie? I need to be ready if it happens again.
Miss Marcie: I did hear the thunder, but it’s nothing to be afraid of wee child. Thunder can’t hurt you.
Wee Child: DON’T LIE TO ME MISS MARCIE. (Whispering very dramatically) don’t you know what funder is?
Miss Marcie: It’s two clouds bumping into each other and then saying excuse me.
Wee Child: (sympathetically) Oh Miss Marcie someone lied to you. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but funder is actually big farts coming from God’s tushy.
Miss Marcie: Really now. Who told you this?
Wee Child: My daddy! There is always funder in the bathroom when he goes in there…and it smells really bad Miss Marcie. REALLY BAD. REALLY REALLY BAD.
Miss Marcie: I am familiar with Daddy bathroom smell. But that’s not thunder its….
Wee Child: YES IT IS MISS MARCIE. My daddy told me that whenever you hear thunder that is actually God’s tushy making farts and if are lucky enough to have god fart in your bathroom you can smell it.. So god must really love my Daddy because he has private fart session with him a lot.
Miss Marcie: Wow I don’t know what to say.
Wee Child: Guess what else Miss Marcie??? Yesterday at naptime my daddy said he was going to give me a Dutch oven. I’m pretty excited even though I really wanted an easy bake oven. Is a Dutch oven better than an easy bake oven?
Miss Marcie: No definitely not. I think you should tell your daddy you would rather have an easy bake oven.
Wee Child: Did anyone ever give you a Dutch oven Miss Marcie?
Miss Marcie: More times than I would like to say wee child.
Wee Child: Did you say fank you? What did you do with so many Dutch ovens Miss Marcie?
Miss Marcie: Eventually I moved out. It turns out a man can give a gal too many Dutch Ovens
Miss Marcie: Okay it looks like I got rid of the clog wee child. Let’s get out of the bathroom.
Wee Child: I fink I am glad the toilet was clogged this morning.
Miss Marcie: Why is that wee child?
Wee Child: Because I was lying when I said Everybody Poops. I don’t really fink you do Miss Marcie. I fink you are too pretty and nice and you always smell like perfume so I really really fink you never poop…and if you do you are wearing a pretty dress and jewels when you do it and you wave a magic wand and there are fairies there and when you leave the bathroom smells like your perfume instead of doo doo.
Miss Marcie: Wow Wee Child it’s like you have a window into my house…it is exactly like that.
Wee Child: I knew it.
And with that the wee child and Miss Marcie walked out of the bathroom hand in hand…the wee child happily content knowing that she was absolutely right about Miss Marcie and Miss Marcie happy that she did not indeed consume the Fiber Cakes from Trader Joe’s for breakfast this morning….because…they…well let’s just keep the wee child’s visual here instead.
If you smiled, don’t forget to follow Marcie Smolin so you don’t miss the next Wee Child in the series.
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