I’m the kind of person who feels guilty about sleeping in, who thinks about those three extra cookies I ate all day long and who can’t get over how I drunkenly said something eight years ago. I sometimes imagine various scenarios of things happening so much, that later in my life I wonder if those things really happened. I become so obsessed with changing my past that I end up dreaming new realities that often remain lodged in my mind, confusing me about what actually happened.
I told myself that I would not make this a coronavirus post because I think that everything that can be said, already has and will continue to be till the end of all this. However, what I do want to point out is how I have been super incredibly lucky up until this time. Though my freelance work is dwindling, I’m still able to live comfortably, eat more or less (mainly less) of what I want to and take care of myself and my family (a beagle and cockers spaniel). So, sitting here in my position of serious privilege, it’s easy for me to overlook the chaos and havoc this pandemic is creating around the world, or even meters outside my doorstep.
During this time, I have found real freedom. Freedom from my phone which means freedom from carpel tunnel. Freedom from watching and being watched, from wondering what’s going on in the world and with my friends and with that person I met earlier this week. Freedom from thinking about very much in general because the routine and closed-ness of this time means that each thing has only very few possibilities. Though we are currently marred by uncertainty from every angle, this is one time where I feel very little uncertainty when it comes to myself. I know what I will do today and also what I will do tomorrow. I know who I may or may not speak to and I know what they will be doing. I know that I will wake up without a hangover (there is no wine left in my fridge) and that I will have the motivation to workout because that is the the most important thing in my life right now.
I know that the dogs will need to be walked and that lunch will have to be cooked. That I will find time to both read my book and watch The Good Wife, and I won’t have to choose. I know I won’t have any work, and that I will once again put off writing my research report for my online master’s degree, because I still have a few days left to submit it. I know I will feel sleepy around 3pm but push myself not to nap but to have a coffee and some grapes instead. I know that I’ll talk to some friends, and not feel bad at all, if they continue to talk to each other without me. I know that my family is safe and thinking about me and that I’m going to speak to all of them each day.
I know that there will be no celebrations, and that we must remain modest and humble. I know that there are people who are struggling to survive, and that many families, businesses and even economies may not make it through this situation. I know that this is going to be one those things we always talk about and look back at with a sense of mistrust and nervousness. To imagine that we were part of something collectively, that might also be the end of us. It’s hard to think about the future today, which is why I’m thinking about right now and the things I know. Focus on what you know because there’s way too much we don’t know right now.