This Weak in Politics, Vol. LXIV

February 23, 2017

Volume LXIV (Motto: Will you still need me, will you still read me, when I’m LXIV?) In an effort to increase our readership, we are including a recipe in this week’s issue — while not a raspberry scone, it is nonetheless a sandwich that seems all the rage this year. Enjoy.

Now, to the fake fake news (the double negative ought to sufficiently confuse everyone, and give us plausible deniability. That’s a legal term by the way, aimed at impressing a certain correspondent whom we like to call @NinaTotenberg).

The big news of this week was obviously the shocking thing that happened in Sweden — an event so unspeakably and untypably (This is not a word. We made it up.) awful that we won’t even mention it here. We will simply join with Sweden in saying of the 2/17/17 thing that happened: “Sverige we stand with you. We will #NeverRemember.”

Sadly, this latest Swedish incident was not an outlier. “President” Trump has given voice to a whole host of events equal in their veracity to the event we shall forever call the Torshälla Täll Täle. In fact, a member of the so-called media catalogued a full list of such incidents here.

The other big news this week was that the president has selected a new National Security Adviser. Trump named rapper “MC Master” to the post. MC Master’s path to the security post was a very typical one — the first appointee resigned in disgrace after three weeks and the second choice called the offer a shit sandwich. MC Master was easily the best pick for the position, which is why he was the president’s third choice.

We apologize. Due to a misread press statement (or alternative facts, or a false flag operation meant to discredit us), we inadvertently wrote that Trump had tapped rapper MC Master as head of the NSA. He actually nominated General H.R. “Pufnstuff” McMaster. This is great news. Seriously…what’s the worst thing that could happen with an insecure, unstable president appointing a key aide who goes by H.R.?

All that said, we only mock the choice because of the name. Truth is that this pick is actually logical, makes sense and is welcome news. H.R. is known to be intelligent, compassionate and humane, and as you know these are not exactly traits the current White House bunch has in abundance.

Also this week, hate-seeking missile Milo SomethingOrOther saw his personal 15 minutes of fame countdown clock wind down to where Trump’s presidency has brought the doomsday clock — about two and a half minutes left.

The conservative provocateur (which is a French word meaning “asshole”) was removed from the speaking roster of the Conservative Political Action Committee’s annual event. He was ostensibly removed when the conservative group learned that his views were reprehensible. Ha! Just kidding — Everyone has known for a long time this guy is a loathsome shit-stain (the plural of which, as Dave Barry might note, would make a great name for a band). Milo’s ouster came not because he is a vile racist, with misogynistic and homophobic views (despite his own sexuality) — those are the traits that earned him the speaking slot in the first place. Nor was it that he expressed an interest in, and perhaps a history of, pedophilic behaviour — we added the “u” for our Canadian reader(s).

It was, rather, that his views on these issues became widely known. The video that shows him speaking glowingly of pederasty (it’s a word, we looked it up) has been on the Drunken Peasants (or as elitist Democrats like to call them “Trump voters”) YouTube channel for well over a year.

As a result of the public outcry, Milo was removed from the speaking roster at CPAC— a roster that also includes so-called @JudgeJeanine Perro, the late @LouDobbs, The President of the United States, some Pepe the Frog impersonators and a couple of black guys. In addition, several other people will speak, as will Ted Cruz.

In fact, the confab will be so heavy with GOP power brokers and all stars that the truth behind Milo’s ouster could well be that was deemed the white nationalist movement’s designated survivor should something happen to the nation’s top racists. (On that subject, major league baseball should definitely have gotten rid of the designated survivor rule before they started eliminating intentional walks, but we digress).

Being deemed so offensive as to be disinvited by CPAC and forced to resign from Breitbart leaves Milo with essentially just two career options: Member of the principals committee of the National Security Council or permanent guest on Bill Maher’s show. Ok, ok...that was unfair. If he were to undergo gay-conversion therapy — of which Mike Pence (sp?) is a big fan) — he could also become a Republican member of Congress.

And lastly on the topic of CPAC, we urge our fellow members of the media (see what we did there?) to actually pay attention to this year’s event, as news truly does happen there. For example, in 2014, Trump talked openly of the warm reception he received in Moscow and bragged that he spoke with Putin’s people.

With President Trump having, shall we say, an unorthodox style (and no, that is not a shot at his non-existent anti-Semitism), and with Justin “Joe” Trudeau living just north of us and having otherworldly style, comparisons between the two as they begin dominating headlines are inevitable. Just this week, for example, the Canadian PM was seen helping to carry a man who uses a wheelchair down a broken escalator. This contrasts with the time the future president of the United States openly mocked a disabled reporter in front of a live audience on national television.

In fairness to Trump, now that he has become president, he has begun taking steps in order to be more humane, including taking steps to become more compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act. For example, he has become more and more reliant on aide Stephen Miller, who is fluent in AASL (Aryan American Sign Language) as seen below and as “reported” elsewhere.

The Trump White House™ has also begun putting a sign language interpretation box in the upper right hand corner of White House broadcasts to make sure the president’s message is loud and clear — especially to the less plorable (probably not a word) among us.

We will refrain from fueling this growing perception that the president is racist, as it seems to perturb the White House. It has become clear in recent weeks that there are two things this administration hates: being called racist, and non-European peoples.

And the President has made it clear every single time he has been asked if he is racist, that not only is he not racist, he is in fact “the least racist person you have ever met.” Every. Single. Time. Time after time after time, over the many years he has been asked if he is racist, his answer has remained consistent.

And in defense of the president, before you start thinking him arrogant, when Fox “Personality” Bill O’Reilly asked him about his racism, Trump humbly qualified his remarks saying he is “probably” the least racist person on earth. That’s humility. Suck it, haters.

In other news, Russia’s permanent representative to the UN, Vitaly Churkin, died suddenly this week in NY. Let us just reassure our readers that there is no reason to freak out about the fact that Russia’s permanent representative to the UN, Vitaly Churkin, died suddenly this week in NY…but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, RUSSIA’S PERMANENT REPRESENTATIVE TO THE UN, VITALY CHURKIN, DIED SUDDENLY THIS WEEK IN NY!!!

Neither Russia’s permanent president, Vladimir Putin, nor Russia’s temporary President of the US, Donald Trump, returned our calls for comment.

The other thing we learned this week (and we are late to the game on this one) is that longtime Trump advisor and friend, Roger Stone, has a Nixon tramp stamp.

If you have ever wondered how one could make a dick even dickier, please re-read the previous sentence. (Side note: @Dickies™ this could be a sponsorship opportunity for you…contact us!)

And finally, NASA announced this week that astronomers from the US and their counterparts at the European Southern Observatory have discovered a new solar system with as many as four earth-like planets with temperate zones and the possible presence of water. As with all things, this news was viewed through a partisan lens (that’s a telescope joke) by most Americans. Democrats hailed the finding and reveled in the fact that there might be a place other than Canada for them to flee the Trump administration and use whichever bathroom they identify with.

At the other end of the political spectrum, Republicans had mixed reaction to the news that science may have found a source for alien life — that’s because they are anti-science, anti-alien but pro life. As such, they will refrain from weighing in — at least until it is determined if the new planets have oil.

And that is how the weak spent the week in a nation where a gay Greek man can make a living being an anti-immigrant homophobe, and where the man who groomed him can make it to the White House.

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