Thoughts While Editing That Supposedly Awesome Thing You Wrote Yesterday
So yeah, you were in the zone yesterday and you wrote something totally awesome. You don’t even really remember what it’s about, but you do remember penning that final earth-shattering sentence and putting your feet up like you just conquered the world, because, you know, there’s really no difference between writing the perfect blog post and conquering the world.
You already know this post is awesome but just to be safe, let’s take one last look before you hit ‘Publish’ to make sure there aren’t any annoying little typos you missed yesterday when you were possessed by a combination of Leo Tolstoy and Gary Vaynerchuk.
Ah yes. That great title that flowed effortlessly. What a magnificent title. Wait. Huh? Does this give the reader even a vague idea of what the post is about? Well, what about if you tilt the screen of your laptop at a 27-degree angle? Yeah, well…it’s just the title anyway. All it’s supposed to do is get people to click on the damn post. The title is fine. No way you’re fidgeting with the title right now.
Okay, looking pretty good through the first two sentences…wait. What the fuck is that? A semicolon? Are you using that right? You’re probably not using that right. Better just delete it and use a comma. Or maybe you should use a regular colon? Hmmm that doesn’t look right, either. Maybe the semicolon is okay after all?
Forget about the semicolon. Keeping moving.
Umm…is this paragraph English? Not trying to be a dick to you of yesterday who wrote this and thought it was awesome, but this isn’t how sentences are constructed in the English language.
“Wouldn’t want to have that if it happened regardless.”
It’s frightening how terrible that is. Okay, take a few deep breaths. You can un-fuck these sentences. Just keep reading.
Hold on. The more you’re reading this, the more it doesn’t seem like something you wrote. Are you sure that someone didn’t do something to this post just to mess with you? Maybe one of your roommates? The one who’s still pissed off about you not refilling the Brita a few weeks ago when you were disastrously hungover? Yeah, that’s probably why this is so terrible.
There’s still hope, though. You’re getting to the good part about…OH FUCK. What is this? Are you aware that a few of these sentences rhyme? Was that intentional? How didn’t you notice this yesterday? This isn’t poetry. The rhyming isn’t powerful, it’s awkward.
Alright. You can take care of the inexplicable rhyming if you just shift some things around. It’s not so bad. Keep going. This post can still probably work.
Mother of God. It’s the transition that felt kinda weak yesterday even though you were in the zone and totally crushing it. You forgot about that transition. It’s worse than you remember. How are you gonna jump from talking about your dog’s bathroom habits to the meaning of life? Calm down. You can do this.
Let’s try something like: “And when little Fido’s gotta go, he’s really gotta go, kinda like how life tells you that certain things are important…”
That’s despicable. You seriously just wrote that. You should douse your keyboard with gasoline and light a match. Okay. Okay. You’ll come back to that transition once everything else is sparkling.
Oh…it’s that really long run-on sentence you thought was legendary. Forgot about that guy. The one that seemed like it was dripping with creativity yesterday. Like you were saying to the reader “I know this sentence is too long, but c’mon, you’re enjoying it, right? It’s pretty freakin’ sweet.”
You gotta fix that run-on sentence. It’s not creative. It’s a monstrosity. It shouldn’t be too hard to break into five separate sentences. But you should keep moving, you might be able to salvage something here. Maybe you’ll be able to use some of this for another post.
Shit. This part. Yeah you know the part you conveniently forgot about when you kicked your feet up and started planning how you were gonna manage the throngs of overwhelmingly positive responses and that mountain of green hearts so high they blocked out the sun. It’s the part towards the end where you were supposed to tie everything together but you just wrote, “Enlightening stuff goes here. Will think of later.”
Fine. Okay. Just be enlightening. It’s not that difficult. You can do this.
What about: “Because when we love things we just want to eat them, but when we eat things they’re gone forever. Well, they’re not really gone forever, they come back again but they’re a lot different, you know?”
What the hell is that? Are you on crack?
Those two sentences are like if a raging dumpster fire procreated with an illiterate hobo.
Okay, that’s enough editing for today.
But you should post something right now. Let’s see… there’s gotta be a listicle you can whip up real quick.
What about: “10 Ways To Supercharge Your Sock Drawer.”
Perfect. You’ll come back to your awesome post tomorrow.