Turning Introversion In My Favor
Before I get into what I want to talk about, I want to make one thing very clear when it comes to introversion. If you conflate being introverted to being anti-social, casually label introverted people as anti-socials and haven’t made an effort to learn about the difference, you are a fucking moron. And, yes, I mean that. I am sick of being in situations wherein people refer introverts to as being an anti-social person. One is a trait. The other is a disorder. If you can’t tell the difference in most cases, have the decency to keep your judgments to yourself. Moving on to my actual blog post now…..
Ever been told to put yourself out there and network with people?
Feel pressured by the whole concept of “Your network is your net worth”?
Do you dislike the word “networking”?
If you nodded to even one of those questions, this post is for you. Oh, and it helps to process what I am going to say if you don’t confuse introversion with being anti-social.
I am an introvert. I am very selective in who I get to know, spend time around, and deepen a relationship with. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It’s a personality trait that one can work on but cannot completely change.
While I love the idea of broadening my professional circles, I know I won’t be the person who goes around the room at a conference for doing small talk, shaking hands and exchanging business cards. I just can’t do it. Believe me, I have tried it and miserably failed. I just don’t feel at ease doing small talk with a bunch of strangers standing in a circle over drinks.
That being said, I know how important it is to meet new and interesting people for exploring new ideas, learning, exploring opportunities, and also clarifying my own thoughts.
Whenever there is an event or conference that I really want to attend, I would freak out a little bit. I would think about the worst possible scenario wherein I am just standing all by myself in the corner for an hour. That very thought has held me back from attending so many events. I used to associate public events with something that only extroverts can excel at.
In order to make the experience of attending events and meeting new people in group settings more rewarding for me, I came up with two goals. Ever since I started working towards these two goals, I haven’t felt the need to meet everyone in the room. I no longer feel the need to shake hands or have small talk with most people. I don’t feel all stressed out for not being able to do what most around me can very easily. These goals are —
- Find The One — Whenever I go to an event, I have one specific person in mind whom I definitely want to meet. I already know before-hand what that person does and cares about. I have some topics in mind to build a conversation around. I wouldn’t leave the event until I meet that person and have a conversation that memorable, interesting or helpful for both of us. I set the bar for what’s “good” pretty high. While this is very subjective, it works for me better than rules like “Meet five people”. Such number-based goals don’t motivate me to build relationships.
- At least one ad-hoc conversation — My second rule is to have an ad-hoc conversation with someone I don’t know anything about. I obviously try to have more of these, but I feel at ease after having one such conversation. It is true that we should set our goals high so that we can achieve more. But, I believe that applies to situations wherein we are very ambitious. In situations like conferences, where I am very anxious, setting the goal low enough for me to accomplish motivates me to take it up a notch. I know we should step outside of our comfort zones. And setting the goal the way I have for this situation helps me get out of my comfort zone. Once I feel I have hit a pre-defined milestone, I strive to set new milestones instantly and work towards that. Recently, at an event, after I met with the person I really wanted to meet ( ie. Goal one), I met a random guy working in real estate and had a very intriguing conversation with him. Once I was happy with that, I made up a new milestone of talking to a bunch of other people right away. Goal accomplished!
These two goals give me a framework to make opportunities to meet people in group settings more rewarding.
In the context of my second goal, Mark Suster wrote something recently that I have been thinking a lot about —
The advantage of basecamp is that once acclimatized you can look for the right route up the mountain and from that vantage point you know a lot better what your options are.
If you look up and don’t see any obvious trails then perhaps it’s time to find an early soft-landing for your business and focus on the next idea. Most people will start the ascent with the goal of getting to the next local peak and from there traversing the mountain. The higher you climb the more your realize how high your goal can be or whether you climbed some false peaks.
While he is talking about startups, I think its applicable to a lot of things in life generally. Breaking a big goal down into small, achievable milestones makes the climb very rewarding.
The two goals are very contrasting in nature. One is very concrete and specific. The other is vague and ad-hoc. I purposefully have set them that way to maintain a balance between preparedness and unpreparedness. I think that’s important. While I know I would prefer being prepared, I also know how important it is to learn how to adapt to new situations. I think having these two opposite perspectives is important.
Besides the events, when it comes to just generally meeting new people, I try to turn my preferences and traits that act as weaknesses in group settings to strengths in one-on-one settings.
I know I am very selective when it comes to people. So, I carefully vet the people I reach out to, build relationships with, and meet for coffee. I try my best to meet people who are very resourceful, informative, visible and well-connected in their own groups, communities and organizations. This was my thought process even while looking for summer jobs.
Another weakness of mine is that I suck at impressing someone in a minute or two. My brother does that amazingly. I just cannot. But, what I am good at is having a long term view of all my inner circle and external network. Relationship-building, to me, is a long term game. I make sure I play the game with the right players whom I can help in tiniest way possible on a regular basis and who will eventually look out for me. I also think a lot about how to make people want to play the game with me for sustained periods of time. These people become my source of information, connections, ideas, wisdom, etc. A lot of people people use linkedIn to identify such people. I personally use Twitter given my interests and habits.
I do not believe that our weaknesses are static and universal. I don’t think a trait thats a weakness always works against you in all the situations. What doesn't work well for me at events tends to work amazingly outside of events. I am happy with not having a huge rolodex. Its not about the numbers, the connections. It’s about a sense of mutual respect, trust and long-term perspective. No, I cant just call someone up to land my next job or client or whatever the goal might be, but I can reach out to folks for very high quality advise, time and support. As megan quinn says, you learn by observing.
I try my best to embrace my introversion. I haven’t been positive about it for all this while. But, for the last 24 to 30 months, I have started becoming more conscious of it and use it to my advantage. It’s working well for me.
If you are interested in my convoluted thought process behind choosing to work at betaworks, here’s my post about it —
