Valentine’s Day Advice for the High and Hopeless
If you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, why not consider going on a date with pot? Seriously. There’s a good chance you’ll get more from dating a herb than a Herb.
Marijuana relieves loneliness. Pot smokers report having higher levels of self-worth and less feelings of loneliness than their non-using counterparts. Pot smokers also experience less feelings of rejection and loss.
Marijuana alleviates depression. Marijuana users are less likely to suffer from episodes of major clinical depression than non-marijuana users.
Other benefits of loving on weed:
• Pot doesn’t borrow your money or stretch out your socks.
• Pot doesn’t break up with you two weeks after you lost your job, put your dog to sleep and had a weird mole on your back removed.
• Pot dares to be corny and romantic. It doesn’t mind reciting bad poetry to you while you’re in the shower or singing a duet of Leather and Lace with you at karaoke.
• Pot doesn’t hold your occasional meltdowns against you, but finds them cute, nay endearing.
• Pot doesn’t call you dude sometimes. (OK pot occasionally does do that.)
• Pot doesn’t want to text you to death but would much prefer to see you in person where it can really get inside of you.
Oh and pot doesn’t mind talking to you about deep, heavy stuff (hell, weed embraces that shit). It just wants to see put a smile on your face and relax those tense muscles in your back. And after you’ve spent some quality time together, you can put your little Valentine back in a drawer and forget about it.
Oh come on, you’re being silly now. Pot can’t love. Pot doesn’t have feelings.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s set the record straight: Feelings are the source of all relationship problems in the first place. Think of the biggest issues you’ve had in a relationship. What did they all have in common? Feelings — dumb, mercurial feelings that change oh, every damn 15 minutes.
But if you’re insistent on your partner having feelings, then guess what:
Researchers at Michigan State University discovered that plants have a rudimentary nerve structure that allows them to feel pain. According to Plant Physiology, plants are capable of identifying danger and marshaling defenses against perceived threats.
“Plants not only seem to be aware and to feel pain, they can even communicate,” claims botanist Bill Williams of the Helvetica Institute.
Wait. If pot protects me from dangerous situations, feels pain and communicates, then it’s already doing better than three of my previous boyfriends combined. And for a mere fraction of the emotional cost.
So if you’re feeling sad and blue this Valentine’s Day, stop looking to messy humans to cure your romantic ills. Curl up on the couch, turn on some Trailer Park Boys and wrap those pretty lips of yours around a big fat joint instead. You’ll feel the love in no time.
[This story originally printed in Freedom Leaf magazine.]
