Our Last Fantasy

Right from the start, we knew these two weeks would be our last together. At least I did. Away from home, I found myself sat right where it all began. Reflecting on the good and the bad moments we shared, I could see a beautiful bridge directly inspired by San Francisco’s Golden bridge. While to my side, was the moon in it’s full flesh, reflecting off a mildly calm sea. Even if I no longer lived here, I found myself still revisiting Lisbon a lot, often when I needed to clear my head. Even knowing our relationship was coming to an end, she decided to embark on a plane overseas to meet me here.

I fought with myself to avoid showing any of the affection I still felt for her. It was a losing battle. The feelings she evoked, stirred within me in the same way her gaze pulled me in. The beautiful smile she wore every time I mentioned those three cherished words – I love you – was rivalled only by her greenish blue eyes.

I had for so long searched for the one, who could transform my dubiously lyrical heart into a beautiful melody. It felt silly to throw it all away, but for her own sake, I had to persevere. I had to keep on pushing her back. Tomorrow is just another day in the sobriety known as reality. She would be getting on a plane who’s destination has an entire ocean separating us, never quite knowing when we’d see each other again. Even if she was willing to abdicate of her studies and family in favour of moving to this side of the ocean, I simply could not permit that. I couldn’t bare the thought of her ruining her life for me. This way, she would eventually move on, and I would live with the memory of her.

As the night settled in, the winds became chillier and easier to feel on the bone. It seemed like a good time to head back to the hotel. As I stood up and prepared to walk away, I realised she had been sitting mere metres away from me, at the heart of commerce square.

She seemed so mesmerised by the full moon, I don’t think either one of us had realised just how close we were to each other. In fact, she seemed shocked when she saw looked down and saw me walk towards her. Having never visited my hometown, she underestimated just how cold it could get at night. She was dressed inadequately for the type of weather the night brought down, with nothing but her long lioness hair to cover her exposed shoulders. I took off my jacket and covered her with it before sitting beside her. It was clearly too big on her, but as always she pulled it off, looking nothing short of stunning. After a much prolonged mutual silence, a tear began trickling down her face. She leaned on my shoulder as she so often did in an attempt to hide her sadness.

“With such a big city, what are the odds that we both come to the same place to think?!” She whispered, pointing out just how similar we were. Though she knew I wanted to terminate our relationship, she wasn’t fully aware why. Convincing herself she wasn’t good enough, I had to sit in silence, knowing she would fight me on my real reasons. I attempted instead to put my arm around her, trying to console her, but she just pushed it away.

Noticing how surprised I was, she fired back “I need to accept that you don’t love me anymore!”

‘That’s not it at all!’

I should have said that, but instead my thoughts remained trapped inside my head. I had shed many tears when I found out I wasn’t good enough for my parents, yet here I was allowing the person I love believe that she wasn’t good enough for me. Nothing could be further from the truth and it was devouring me. Throughout many walks of life, I had learned there comes a point in everyone’s life where they’re faced with tough decisions. Even if it killed me on the inside, I had to accept this was for the best.

I had a habit of lighting up a cigarette amongst silence, something she had put up with for so long. She always hated the smell since both her parents took up smoking. Even this time, she couldn’t quite come around to ask me to put it out. She only wanted me to be happy. Still, with each puff of this ill-tainted cigarette, happiness was a distant feeling that had been replaced by emptiness. With time running out, she was evidentially still trying to hold back the tears.

She brought her hands to her face, hoping to mask away her sadness once more. Whilst for the first time in our relationship, I did something that was right. I threw away the cigarette and clenched my arms around her instead, causing her to uncontrollably sob into my chest. I could sense the scent of her hair, sort of like a warm soothing fuzzy smell of peaches. Once the tears stopped, she made a remark about my hands smelling of smoke. She was okay – for the time being!

We went on to talk for another hour, like in the past, just me, her and the calm sound of the sea ramming against the stone walls of the beach. We discussed what the implications of my decision meant for both of us. While she claimed she would be deeply saddened and unable to ever recreate what we had. I just kept quiet, thinking how much I was going to hate myself for this.

I had finally been able to make her smile and break away from a deeply emotional last night together. It wasn’t until three in the morning when we finally began making our way back to the hotel. Crossing under the famous Arch of Rua Augusta at the end of the Square, it was noticeable how unusually quiet the yellow lit streets were. The walk to the hotel did nothing to change that, countless thoughts and memories poured back into my head. Despite knowing this was the end, we continued sharing a room and indeed a bed. I was struggling to completely push her away.

We made our way into the hotel, our faces motionless as we passed the receptionist. Even the ride on the elevator seemed to be taking longer than usual despite our room being situated on the second floor.

I decided to head straight to bed once we got in the room. Without breaking the silence, she went towards the bathroom. Any attempt to sleep was futile, I knew it would make things easier for me if I managed to but my eyes would not shut! When she eventually came out from the bathroom, she began undressing herself as I remained struck in bed motionless. She slipped into bed as she’d finished undressing, running her hand over me, softly kissing me. Maybe it was the shock, but I felt so paralysed, not even words were coming out. For once, we were not on the same page.

“I can’t do this to you!” I finally pleaded. She was quick to place a finger over my mouth before I could continue.

“I know that I can’t have you, but just for tonight…” She paused as a tear trickled down her face. “Let me just live this last moment together.”

As much as I knew I shouldn’t, I wanted to have this last fantasy with her. I remained in silence as her greenish blue eyes focused on me, waiting for an objection. I had no objections.

Our last fantasy had begun.

As we kept on kissing, I turned her below me, leaving my hands resting on top of hers. “Are you sure about this?” I had to ask her. She closed her eyes as yet another tear began running down her face. She nodded.

Soon my clothes were off too. Our bodies hastily unifying as one, with me inside her. I could feel my heartbeat pounding as though it was ready to explode from my chest. Our grasp tightening as we crossed another line. It suddenly came to me, that after tonight, we would never ever again have another moment like this. My head quickly dropped, unable to look at her. She refused to let me off that easily. She wanted me to look at her. She wanted me to be a hundred percent sure this was what I wanted. Truth is, I hadn’t felt this way since I first laid eyes on her. It was all coming back to me. All those nights we would close our eyes on the phone to each other, pretending we were physically together.

“Will you love me forever?” She would ask.

“Yes.” I would answer back.

“What if someone prettier than me comes along?”

“You are all I have eyes for.” I continued.

“What about when I get old and wrinkly, with my hair greying and suffering from memory loss?”

“I’ll remind you of the beautiful memories we shared, maybe simply by pointing at a child we end up having.” I concluded.

She wasn’t like anyone else I had ever met. She made me feel like I was the only person in the world that mattered. I selfishly let her, even knowing that wasn’t true. During our time together, we confessed to each other every fear we had, all the nightmares we had lived through and the dreams we had for the future. That night however, we simply shared the moment.

Her hands continued caressing my chest as she pulled away from softly biting my lip. Placing herself above me, she positioned her crotch over mine. My hand slid down the curve of her back to pull her closer in. She refrained from kissing me as her breath was getting heavier and heavier.

I think in that moment, we were both hoping the night could last forever, but as we tightly grabbed on to each others’ bodies, we both knew it was close. The warmth I felt amongst my upper body was intensified by how wet her inner walls felt gripping me. I could feel her nails dig into me as the tension increased, I could feel my hearts’ continuous pounding as if about to explode.

In the next few moments, we consummated five years worth of love, culminating at the exact same time. And so, we had reached a delicately beautiful ending to what had been the focus of my entire adult life.

Wishing it wasn’t over, we remained in that position drawing breath. Knowing a mere few hours later we would cease to be, we both laid back down away from each other. While I remained quiet, she began crying again. Slurring her words, she asked “How can you remain so sure after such a magical moment?”

Unable to hold back my feelings any longer, I attempted to hug her again, fighting back my own tears. “I’m sorry baby!”

I had to remind myself that for all her wonderful characteristics, she could be rather naive. I needed to remain strong and prevent her from throwing away her entire life for a good-for-nothing like me. Sooner or later, I knew I would screw up and end up hurting her even more than I was now. After all, what hope does one have of sustaining a woman so perfect when his own parents wanted nothing but distance from birth?! I continued holding on to her, as we both laid in silence, she eventually fell asleep.

One last time, I could sense the scent of her hair as I reluctantly let go of her. I placed her into her sleeping position. She had helped me so much since I had met her ten years earlier. She helped me with my insecurities, with finding a job, with making peace with old relatives, and even tracking down my parents, but I had nothing to offer her in return.

She deserved someone who was capable of giving back to her. Someone who lived in the same country and could do for her all the things I could never. It was time I let her go, allowing her to find true happiness.

The following day went by slowly, as we sat in at the airport drinking coffee, observing the steel grey sky pouring rain outside. Barely a word had been spoken regarding the previous night, our fantasy was fading away. Lightning struck ferociously as my chest clenched tighter, knowing that in ten minutes she was going to board her flight; my flight wasn’t for another hour.

We shared one last kiss. One last moment for me to change my mind.

For an instant, the thought of her leaving did just that. This is the woman I love, no one will ever make me as happy! How can I allow her to go?

She waited for it. And as much as I wanted to, no words came out.

My inner thoughts were throbbing once more.

‘You’re going to let her down later.’

‘You’re going to make her regret this.’

‘You’re just not good enough!’

I remained in silence. She, visibly exhausted just apologised before walking away.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be good enough for you.”

As I watched her part, I stood by paralysed letting out a faint “I love you.” So quiet, I barely heard it myself.

I was finally able to stop hiding my pain, and my eyes quickly filled up with tears.

When she crossed the Airport security moments later, she briefly looked back one last time with a faint smile on her face. Perhaps hoping I would charge towards her.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t! I knew I was a ticking bomb, and I couldn’t have her be present for the detonation.

Afraid of what her expression might say next, I simply turned around and walked away.

Our fantasy had played out its final act.