What Makes Love Last? — The 7 Pillars of Compatibility

By Kyle Benson

Unlike the emotional cocktail of chemistry, compatibility doesn’t hit you like a shot of Everclear.

Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two individuals. A man who values monogamy, for example, will have a major incompatibility with someone who values polyamory. That’s compatibility.

Long-term potential is dependent on your compatibility with another person. High levels of compatibility tend to come from similarities in the lifestyles and values of two separate people.

• Athletic people tend to date other athletic people.
• Intellectually driven people will usually date others that are well-educated.
• Travelers tend to date other adventure-seekers.

Compatibility can also come from opposite traits as well. A girl that is quick to anger may find herself having fewer or more calm arguments with a calm man, rather than with someone like herself.

For instance: I value women who are driven professionally, enjoy traveling, and are highly educated. If I meet a woman who enjoys cocaine and values men who live their lives based on their spirit animals, then her and I will have a major incompatibility that will never be overcome.

Incompatibilities cause friction in relationships. You may have high levels of chemistry with someone, but friction will prevent both of you from acting on that chemistry.

Friction can be cultural or just horrible logistics.

For instance, the highest levels of chemistry I’ve had with any woman were with an Italian woman visiting Seattle. But the distance that materialized after she left made it impossible to date.

Other times you might meet the person who’s in a relationship, but you just “click” with them. They laugh at your jokes, smile when you smile, look into your eyes just a bit too long… and they’re married.

Not only is this amazing person married, but they purposefully stop flirting with you. It’s not that they don’t like you. They do. They just value their marriage with someone else more than the chemistry with you.

The truth is that no two people are the same. All of us have unique personalities, beliefs and values that create friction in any interaction. No person is ever going to like you completely, and you’re never going to like another person completely.

No matter what, there will always be slight differences in values or priorities that will annoy you a little bit or maybe a lot. There will also be hardships or obstacles that will prevent you from being with “that” person.

Compatibility is really simple: All of us have imperfections. Every person we date has their own imperfections. The quality of a relationship is determined by people who have complementary imperfections or are willing to tolerate (even appreciate) those imperfections that cause incompatibilities.

The levels of friction that prevent any sexual relationship from happening depend on your values and expectations, as well as theirs.

For instance, maybe you meet super hot Justin Bieber. Then he turns out to be a cocaine addict. If you just want to have sex with this man, you may overlook this. Then again, if you have a personal vendetta against narcotics, then you’d probably instantly be turned off.

That’s the whole point of compatibility. Your values determine your behavior, which ultimately determines who you’re compatible with.

Your compatibility is not determined by what the person you’re attracted to thinks, or what your family thinks. It’s determined by what is best for you and the relationship you want to be in.

Studies show that people tend to be happiest with someone like themselves. This can include attractiveness, intelligence, education, sexual desires, education, social & economic background, hobbies, passions, core values, life goals, and a butt load more.

Again, compatibility can’t be faked. That’s why it’s important for you to sit down and figure out what values and traits in a person are compatible with you.

For those of you who completed the Making Your Hot or Not List, you’re almost there. Now it’s beneficial to split this list into two categories — Must-Haves and Nice-To-Haves.

• Must-Haves are the deal-breakers. The shit you won’t tolerate having in a person. These are the qualities a potential partner would absolutely need to have, or else you will not date or commit to them.
• Nice-To-Haves are all the qualities you’d like in your ideal partner, but could compromise if you were happy.

Is one of your must-haves someone you can trust who doesn’t make babies with another person? Or is that a nice-to-have?

This may seem like a pointless exercise to you. And it is…if you want to have dramatically heartbreaking relationships that make you question your self-worth again and again.

But that’s not you, is it?

Without this list, you’d do what most people do. Meet someone, have sex, fall in love and then figure out whether this person is what you want. If they are really what works within your lifestyle.

That’s ass backwards.

Meet Dr. Gottman. He is one of the world’s most renowned marriage therapists, and he made a list of common things couples fight over.

Everything on that list began with the word differences.

Your ideal partner list will help guide you to finding someone who you will have fewer (or better) fights with. Someone who will ultimately make you happy.

Compatibility helps you assess whether what you want and need meshes with what the person you want to be romantically involved with wants and needs. Compatibility can range from nonexistent to amazing, with everything in between.

The higher the levels of compatibility, the more likely your partner and you will create a win-win relationship. And that’s should be the entire goal of any type of interaction or relationship, even if it’s only for a few humps.

The 7 Pillars of Compatibility

Even the happiest and healthiest relationships have conflicting values. Overall, I’ve found seven areas that couples generally struggle with. A couple that is compatible in at least four areas typically has enough compatibility to endure any hardships the future may have.

1. Life Goals: If you want to get married and have kids while your partner never wants to be a parent, your future will end in a pile of clothes on the side of the street. Or you’ll at least be miserable and depressed. Not aligning your life goals with your partners is a top difference lover’s fight about.
2. Love Laws: What do you need to feel loved and be loving? Some people need to feel touched. Others need regular text messages. Often times, love laws are not major deal breakers if partners have differences, but they are deal breakers if neither partner loves the partner in the way their partner needs to be loved.
3. Sexual Needs: From polyamory to sex, couples who have similar views, sexual preferences, and desires tend to have longer lasting and healthier relationships.
4. Differing Intellect: Maybe you like reading Nietzche and going to musicals, while your guy prefers video games. You may find ways to make it work, but it will be tough. Over time, the differences in how each of you spend your time will cause you to spend your time away from each other.
5. Communication: Are you afraid to share your feelings with your lover? Do you avoid serious conversations that could potentially fix the problems in the relationship? If you find yourself in a relationship where you struggle to honestly communicate, both the good and bad, then you seriously need to reconsider your relationship. It’s not a relationship if you lack communication; it’s an acquaintanceship.
6. Religious: If you believe in God and your partner doesn’t, then you are bound to disagree — not only about the differences in your beliefs, but also in how you may raise your children.
7. Financial: If your partner is a spender and you value saving, disagreements and fights are bound to follow. If you’re both frugal, then you will save a lot of money and value your savings equally. If both of you are spenders, you will probably have a lot of fun running up credit card debt together.

In the beginning of many relationships, both partners tend to walk in with open arms. Fully accepting the incompatibilities.

Oh, you pick your nose and eat your boogers?

That’s cute.

When we turn negative traits into a positive light, we tend to do so because we are neurologically drugged by love. The chemistry of love lures us into the exciting sleepless nights and the ignorance of the little small differences. And then as the drug of chemistry fades — between three and twenty-four months in — you begin to notice these small, differences.

And suddenly, they start to get bigger.

You lose your tolerance, and gradually come down from your high. When you hit this stage, like all long-term relationships do, your compatibility is the driver that endures the hardships and slight differences.

All relationships are made up of both good and bad moments. That’s why relationships follow the oldest of clichés — they require work.

“I don’t love him anymore.”

“She’s driving me crazy.”

“I don’t even like him now.”

These phrases happen when the incompatibilities are no longer tolerable.

This is where the choice comes in. To accept and work with each others’ differences, or to move on. Unfortunately there is no clear path to do this.

Ultimately the quality of your compatibility with your partner will determine the longevity and quality of your relationship into the abyss of the future.

The key to lasting love is to find both high levels of compatibility with high levels of chemistry. With high levels of compatibility and low levels of chemistry, you’re just roommates. And that sucks.

Read Chemistry + Compatibility = Sex?

Originally published at kylebenson.net on January 11, 2016.