What Really Matters
A Letter to myself
You are not going to do it. I know that you are not.
You have TOLD yourself that ‘maybe I won't be able to do it.’ You've thought of the impossible even before you thought it was possible. It’s not laziness. Stop blaming laziness!
Yeah, I am talking about these- Aspirations.Gigs.Relationships. Those you pushed back in the deepest recesses of your memory long ago, abandoning them to oblivion.
It’s your Mom and Dad. It’s your brother/sister or a friend you care less about. It’s their pains- backache, cervical, arthritic, emotional; it’s their approaching old age or messed up teenage/adult life that you have stopped paying attention to. “They'll be alright. Nothing to worry”, you say. You might have already decided to live away from them when you finally have achieved your ‘goals’. Is it because you realized that true caring takes time and real effort? Is it because now you know that to comfort someone requires being a little uncomfortable? Are you so busy chasing your life’s problems that you've become blind to the problems of your loved ones? When was the last time they abandoned you in your time of need?
It’s the boy/girl you say good morning to and wish good night every day. He/She is the first thing that comes to your mind when you climb out of bed. Not your job, not your family but him/her. The one human being that your mind has mistakenly perceived as your mirror image in this world. The one person on whom you are risking your future on. However, you won't express your feelings to him/her. Why? You want to keep waiting for the ‘right’ moment. It’s not an infatuation, it’s love. True love will throw you out of your little comfort-zone and you are not ready for it yet, isn't it?
It’s the next big thing you wanted to do. It’s the next ‘entrepreneurial’ thing you wanted to build. You have a good ‘job’, sure. You are ‘settled’ in the world’s eye. You are a ‘productive’ person. You've set up calendar and reminders- Wake up, Have your protein, Leave for work, Meeting with Boss, Go to gym, Have dinner, Sleep. Crafted your day perfectly, isn't it? Is perfection what you crave for? Is perfection the reason you have abandoned the reason for why you truly began in the first place? Is this drive to achieve your ‘micro-goals’ so pleasing to you that it does not let you the bigger picture? Don't tell me, “I have no time”. Don't tell me, “It’s been too long, I feel ashamed to start”. When did shame stop you in the past from excelling in life?
Does your heart start pounding when somebody reminds you any of these? Do words start slithering away from your mouth when a close friend asks you about these? Do the spiritual discourses or motivational talks seem meaningless to you now, as you have conditioned yourself to think that you won’t follow them?
You know why it happens, isn't it? You fear. You fear to do the right thing. You fear taking even one step ahead but you feel no fear when you take a step back from courage. You fear to choose your dreams and that’s why the world has chosen dreams for you. It’s safe and comfortable. Changing your attitude requires a step to be taken every day but you can't do it, isn’t it?
‘Why should I do it?’
You need to do it simply because you are that. What you do defines you more than who you are. You need to do what you ought to do if you want to die peacefully. ‘Ugh, really, are we talking about my death now?’ Yes! It’s because in your last moments when your whole life comes back to you in exquisite flashbacks, you'll see that.
You'll see the life you lived was the way it was because you did not do what you really had got passionate about.
Then, you’ll feel sorry for yourself.
However, it’s not going to matter because you'll die miserably, anyway. No?
