When it doesn’t feel worth it

And then you realize it is

Do you ever wonder if it’s all worth it? All the endless hours of work and the ache that fills your bones as you wake up day after day. The endless heartache that fills you when you’re trying so hard to be that friend you’re looking for in everyone else and no one seems to notice.

When you wonder, look at your parents.

I can’t imagine the hell that I’ve put my parents through. I arrived as the last of the herd, the baby of four to round out our family. Judging from how stubborn I am now, I can only imagine the torture my parents endured when they first brought me home. The crying, the screaming, the refusal to eat anything.. (I’m speculating, because I imagine I was as picky then as I was as a teenager.) Not to mention they already had three young children to worry about.

And then I started growing up. As my mom would put it, I’ve thought that I was the oldest and wisest member of our family since I was two years old. I don’t doubt it. I was a bundle of sass, refusing to wear the matching outfits my mother made for my sister and I and matching the most horrendous clothes I owned instead. I was a bundle of energy, running through the house past my bedtime and creating a cacophony of noise more equatable to a stampeding rhino than a six year old child.

And as I grew into a teenager I realized the power that came with being the youngest child and the manipulation set in. Let me tell you, manipulation and a stubborn attitude were probably about as fun for my parents to deal with as plunging a toilet. And this stage went on for years.

But my parents never gave up on me. Oh sure, there were fights. There was yelling and tears and locked doors galore. But those two amazing individuals were always there to tell me they loved me, and they would continue loving me no matter what.

And as I grew into an adult and starred in horror at the calendar as yet another year passed and my independence looked more like a death sentence than the blessing my 18-year-old self had thought it, I realized just how much they had given me.

My parents taught me to be patient. They survived 18 years of mood swings. They survived the angsty shade I threw their way and they survived the drama filled friendships with mean girls and the anger at rules and distress at punishment. They were patient through it all and with their steady and unwavering love, they showed me that good things take time.

They taught me to have courage. I can’t imagine saying goodbye to the youngest of the clan. Dropping me off at college and driving away, hoping against hope that I would remember what they taught me. Hoping that I would make good choices and make good friends, but realizing that if I didn’t it wouldn’t change their love for me. They said goodbye and bravely walked away, knowing that my mistakes would have to be my own.

My parents taught me to work hard. They showed me that love isn’t easy. That sometimes love is mean and you don’t want to try anymore. They showed me that love is a choice that requires time and effort and a whole lot of work. And they showed me year after year that the hard work was worth it. And just like love, nothing worth having comes easy.

They taught me respect and kindness. There is nothing more valuable than knowing your parents see you as an individual who can make her own decisions and survive the consequences they may bring. They showed me that treating others as your equal will endure them to you more than false words or flattery. Respecting others and being kind to them will take you further in life than any other character trait, because if you can make someone feel important they will never leave your side.

So when you wonder if it’s all worth it, and you’re tired of working hard and respecting people who belittle you, you’re sick of being patient, being kind and having courage. Think about your parents. Think about all the times they lay awake worrying about you, hoping for you, praying for you and loving you.

I think that makes it all worth it.

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Originally published at emilyamullins.wordpress.com on April 14, 2016.