Who Even Am I?

I’m probably what some people would call a “late bloomer”.

I am the striking yet lonely autumn crocus, chrysanthemum, or aster that pops up in your garden long after the daffodils and tulips and usually even the roses have left. I’m a little late to the party, showing up after all the cool kids have gone to the cooler party that I don’t know about yet. I’m always slightly out of the loop. I am aware of the loop, but I’m just not quite in the loop. Sometimes I make it into the loop, but once I do there are new more cutting edge loops forming.

I wasn’t a late bloomer when it came to talking, writing, or learning. I was a smart kid. I was, and still am, the unfortunate kind of late bloomer who doesn’t develop good social skills early on. Hence being late to the party and out of the loop. “Shy” is the word that probably comes to mind. That cringe-inducing word.

Just because I don’t want to talk to you doesn’t mean I’m shy.

For whatever reason I felt this way — and I can speculate as to the reasons — it always left with me a little bit of an identity crisis. A person is largely defined by their social circle, at least outwardly and superficially, and especially in the elementary school through early college years. Oh, that person’s a jock. A drama kid. A goth. A preppy. A stoner. We are all, more or less, The Breakfast Club tropes.

And which group did I fall into? Who was I? The answer’s always eluded me. I had friends in all of those different groups (except the jocks, never the jocks) and yet I was never really in those groups.

And now? Who am I? Thirty-year old me is just beginning to figure it out.

It sure took a while, but I’m starting to feel a sense of self, regardless of what label you want to put on me.

It doesn’t really matter what you call me, because I’m beginning to know who I am. At least a little bit. Inch by inch. Day by day. I’m finally beginning to learn more about who I am, what I value, what makes me happy, and where I want to be going. I don’t even mind being slightly out of the loop. I don’t mind being the autumn flowers. Actually, I rather like these qualities. Once you accept yourself for who you are, and you begin to like who that person is, oddly enough, other people begin to take notice and like you for those same reasons too.

If you look, there are really a lot of beautiful flowers in the fall.